Ugh. I don't want to get married !!

Today I was looking at my blog stats which are now constantly showing a remarkable improvement. I never really cared about people viewing/not viewing my posts because I write for myself, most of the times. But alas, this bloody human nature always seeks appreciation. Though it always makes me wonder why the number of people reading my blog is never proportional to those commenting or following. I mean guys, your one extra little step to comment/feedback/(or even insult, though less preferable) makes my day and helps me improve my writing. (Of course, If my articles make sense to you, which, I assure you will be a very rare case!)


Anyway, coming back to the post. My parents and I were having serious (of course, one sided) discussion about the marriage thing. I don't understand. My parents always think I am too childish and I always behave like a kid. On the other hand, how can the same people insist me to get married every now and then. The discussion went something like this


(Scenario - Phone on speaker mode. Big deal?  I will prefer running naked on the road than talking to both my mom and dad at the same time ! And I mean it. (provided I am allowed to cover the most important body part))


Mother - So? Have you thought about your marriage?
Me : (Damn Maa, why are you so straight forward? At least don't jump to the topic right away!) -Oh please. For God's sake, I am just 24.
(And the adviser enters!) Father : I was 21 when I got married. We still live a happy life. What is wrong about it?
Me : (Oh yeah. Just because you found your pretty lady so soon. I am not that lucky)  Things were different back then ! I need to get settled first. Financially.
Father: Yeah. Talk about financial stability. Your father has enough money to let you live life of a king size. Why don't you quit that bullshit job and join me? Even I pay my people more than what you get.
Me : (Right. Whatsoever happened to "I-Want-To-Establish-My-Own, Sucking-Poor-But-OWN-Identity" concept? )(Almost shouting) Look at the petrol prizes.
Father : (Surprised)- What the hell it has to do with you? You don't even own a bike/car. You said you don't need one as of now.
Me : (Feeling like a jack-ass now) - But girls prefer guys that have a stable future (And of course, much more. But I should only talk about the things that I am capable of)
Mother - Look, I have only one son. And I want to see him get married before I die.
Me : (Now, where the heck this came from? Emotional blackmailing..I so hate it !) -There is no guarantee of life.  Even I can die before you (After-all I am your son, So I also know a bit of "How-to-return-tortures" ;))
Father : Are you dating someone? You can tell us. At least we can then stop searching girls for you. We are getting a lot of proposals from our community.
Me : (Now this is the couple that had an ..may I quote it.."inter-caste" love marriage when there were so many restrictions in the society. Still he takes care to say, "from our community". Really?  What makes you think I will marry a girl of our caste only? I could have ended this topic by saying "yes" but again, that would have led to an infinite series of questions that they don't even care about in reality, such as, "Who is she?" , "How does she look?" " Is she of our caste?", etc., so decided otherwise.) - No. I am not dating anyone. But you can still stop searching for me.
Mother : You know about %$%^ right? He is having a fat paycheck but now he has crossed age 30. No one is willing to make an alliance with him. Just don't cry once your young age is passed.
Me : (Okay. Think of it logically. He is 7 years older to me..7 fucking years. And No one is willing to make an alliance with him  because %$%^ is not only ugly but also rude and arrogant and has tons of dirty habits. Din't anyone tell you that?) - Don't worry. I will manage.
Mother : Also, You are getting bald. Aren't you? Where is your hair? I din see it last time you came home.
Me : (:Bangs his head: )I am not getting bald. I cut my hair. There is a hell of difference between these two. You had problems when I grew it up to my shoulders. Now you have problems when I keep it short. And a Girl is not going to marry me because of my hair anyways. (Just an assumption ;))
Mother : Fine. So tell us how much time you need? It takes almost a year to search for the right girl, knowing her background and all preparation stuff. Would you be interested in looking at some of the photos?
Me : (Yeah, send all of them to me along with mobile numbers :P I will then decide what to do with them ;)) -
At least 3 more years. Period. 
(After a long long pause!) Mother: This guy is impossible. (To father) You tell him.
Father : Look beta.. (And the Gyan Begins!) $@##%$^%&*^*^*#$%...
Me : (Puts the phone aside, washes his face, combs his "bald" headed hair, eats an apple and comes back) - Yes paa. I get it. I will think over it. Happy? Now please, I have a call to attend.
Father : You always avoid the topic. Don't tell me you are not interested in girls. I get that a lot now-a-days. Big city culture. 
Me: (Dumbstruck! Thinking: There was a time when even uttering the word "sex" in front of your parents could cause them a heart attack. And now the same parents are raising concerns about their son getting into a homosexual relationship. Either Indian culture is getting out if it's traditional thinking or my father has lost it. Don't worry Paa, Law 377 has not provoked me . But let's see how you can take it!)
Me : Hmm.. Not sure :P
(I din imagine that little sentence of mine could cause disaster. Within 2 mins , my mother cursed every known guy friend of mine. If she had the authority, she might have even deported them to US, the country she believes that started this trend of homosexuality, thereby reducing human species, and in turn, the number of girls her son has a shot with! But who will dare to tell her that it all started decades ago and that too in her holy India)
Me : oh stop it ! I was just kidding. I swear on you. I am straight !
Father : (still suspicious) - So why don't you want to take this marriage thing seriously?
Me : (Bite me) - I said I will think about it.
Mother : (Not willing to give up this time) - WHEN?
Me : When I get my hair back :D (Hangs up abruptly, looking in mirror and silently praying his hair to grow as slowly as possible ;))

Like many men my age, I am now 25 years old !

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the heck happened ! :D


Recap :
Before Birth :
Doctor : "We can save either mother or child ! ". But my mother was a strong woman. She fought like hell and finally gave birth to the dumbest creature on the earth ! "Welcome", I said to myself. Now, "what next?"


2.5 years Later :
Father : "Let's send him to a school'. He seems to have a quick learning ability. I think he will manage.
Mother : "No way, we will wait for 2 more years. It will become difficult for him to compete against other guys in future.
Father : "Okay. We send him now. If things get tougher for him, we will make him sit in the same class in senior kg."
For first 4 years, I topped the school so finally my headmaster told my parents that no gap is needed. Damn ! And there was a small boy, sitting in a class of people that were at least 1.5 years elder to him. :(. Mercy God, mercy!


Early Childhood :
A pampered child. Good at studies. Sucked in social protocols. An Introvert. In simple words, sucked in almost everything that is defined by attitude-confidence-passion trilogy.


Late Childhood :
A torturous, struggling period. Life fucked hard and that too every single day. Those 3 years were a nightmare, but that period brought out a "new" me ! Everything changed, right from my height to my personality, I achieved whatever I wanted. Looking back, those were the most dreadful days I have ever had. But no complains.  Memories of them now make me smile. This period taught me that the concept of luck and destiny is futile. Life certainly can be the way you want. You make choices and you don't look back !


After 20 :
A hopeless romantic turned into a damn good flirt. An introvert turned into a chatter box, an ever smiling guy. A sentimental fool turned into a reason for people to smile, laugh. The guy who once struggled for one single friend now have at least dozens of people loving and caring for him. Most importantly, Manoj turned into Mani. What's the difference? I cant even pen it down!


At the age 25 :
I am still not clear about what I want in life. But I definitely have targets. I am achieving them one after another, though slowly, but consistently. In short terms, I know where I want to be. In long terms, who cares? Life is an unpredictable bitch! So I want to enjoy this moment. After its share of bitterness, life has now blessed me with awesome friends, achievements, secure future and stability. I am simply at peace. Hope this will continue :)


A promise to self ! 


1. Now is the time to fall in love! Three more years from now I will be with my better half ! (Considering my parents' pressure ). I hope she is somewhere (hopefully on the Earth !)out there reading this ;) Anyone interested? :P


2. Change the way I look ! This thing has been pending for quite a long time now and I want to get it done ! I am satisfied with the way I look,  but I want to be a bit better.. Anyway, I am not talking about my face. But certainly many things related to my personality and appearance can be changed. Let's see how it goes.


3. Gift something expensive to my parents within next one year. It can be anything. It's not just about money but I want to show my gratitude for the people who sacrificed everything just to see me happy, who never let things affect me when they, my parents, were financially down, who were with me through thick and thin. Now that your stupid boy is able to stand on his legs, you will always be the first priority for me. Though things you did for me cannot be expressed with just a "thank you" or return favor, this is least I can do to start off. :)


4. I never hurt anyone, even my enemies in past one decade. It gives me an ineffable feeling to see/make people happy. So, even if I hurt someone unknowingly, it is never what I wanted. I will try to improve. Words make a dangerous weapon so I should better be careful before using them.


Well, as of now, this is it ! 


P.S. Oh yes, I never knew so many people will actually remember my b'day. But they did. After certain point, I had to stop counting number of people wishing me. You guys made me feel special ! Thanks a ton. This thing will be long remembered. 

A Dreadful Dream :(

The house was certainly haunted. Or may be I was. In the sheer darkness, that image still looked pretty clear to me. It was none other than my reflection in the mirror. But it was not me. It didn't make sense. The ugly, half-burned face in mirror was asking me to join him. There was a strange attraction I felt towards him. The force was too strong to resist and I was getting pulled over by his side, wanting to be a part of his pain. But then, it was him who was screaming. Not me. I was not scared. I was just calm, waiting to accept whatever happens. Was I being hypnotized?

All of a sudden, the mirror broke into pieces, half of them piercing through my body. Within a minute, every part of me was drenched in blood. But I was still smiling. There was no sign of pain. Whenever I looked into the broken pieces of mirror, each one showed me a different face. But none of them were me. Was I dreaming? "Who are you?" I asked in a low voice. The faces in the broken mirror were getting uglier each passing moment. Among them, he was a devil. His one red eye and half burned face showed no traces of mercy. Why was I not scared of him? "You are not scared because I am your reflection." , the hideous voice whispered into my ears. How could he know what is going on my mind? Something was terribly wrong. unusual. He was so far yet so near to me. I could not even discern moon ,stars or colors of any kind. All was grey, impenetrable and dead dim. 

What place this was? Nowhere was the least sign of life. The house was utterly deserted. What was I doing there in the midst of profound silence and desolation? Silence? No! As I listened, there came to my ears from all sides, dully at first and almost imperceptibly, a low creeping sound like subdued moaning; a sound that never ceased, and that was so native to the place, I had at first been unaware of it. But now I clearly gathered in the sound and recognized it as expressive of the intensest physical suffering. To my astonishment , this time It was my voice ! But I was calm.. Then who was screaming? "Someone murdered me here! the voice screamed". Who murdered whom? I was still there, alive ! I slapped myself hard, hoping this all to be a part of my dream. But all in vain. Voice kept screaming, asking me to find him. But I was too confused. If it were my reflection, why dint it say, "Someone murdered "YOU" here." why did it say "ME?". 

"There is no time!, you need to free my spirit." And suddenly he started laughing. That was a cruel laugh. How was I able to see him when I don't know where he was? The red teeth clearly indicated they tasted blood before a while" Was he trapping me? Despite all the negative clues, why was I so sure that he was me? It was a strange immeasurable sympathy I felt towards him. He was asking me to open a door. As I approached it, the wailing sound redoubled in intensity, and a noise as of struggling made itself audible within. When I reached the door, the sounds around me grew and gathered volume, formulating themselves into distinct cries and bursts of frenzied sobbing. "Why Am I not scared?" I cried. There was no answer. The door was impassable. It had neither lock nor handle from outside. The idea of interference was futile. It could be opened only from within. I beat madly against the door with my hand and shrieked for help; but nothing moved. 

Strangely, voices suddenly stopped screaming . And the door slowly opened itself with a deadly noise. My beast appeared in front of me. Desperate to make me a part of his world. And before I could recognize what happened next, with the swiftness and shock of a fall, I opened my eyes.

A committed loser :@

 "What do you know about girls dude, you are still single". A "committed" friend of mine was having heated argument with me about the most complicated creatures on the earth.  Those harsh words pierced through my feelings. It was I who helped him to fall in love. It was I who made it possible for them to be in love. And now the same guy was insulting and abusing me for not knowing anything about relationship.


Yes. I am single. But I understand the delicate heart of a girl way more than you losers who treat them as an object. To be single is my own choice. And for your information, I do not have bank-balance neither do I have stunning looks or any special talent. But girls still feel comfortable with me. Ever wondered why is that most beautiful and talented girls are ready to commit to a dumb like me? It's simple. They need someone who understands, supports and love them the way they are. Not male chauvinist pigs like you who proudly want to show the world that they have a girlfriend and who do not think anything other than sleeping with them. I am still single because I feel I should be in love only when I have the potential to keep my girl happy, to take care of that precious gem, be it in any sense. I don't give a damn about what world or suckers like you think of me. What do you feel so proud about? When your girlfriend expresses her concerns with me despite you being her lover, what have you earned in a relationship? You feel inferior to her because she is more talented, beautiful and earns more than you. So you ask her to quit her job. Is that all you have got, you asshole? Ever considered raising your standards instead of not torturing her on a daily basis? And you still have guts to provoke me ! You call me flirty. Yes I am ! But I never hurt a girl's feelings . I respect them the way I respect my mother. They too have a heart. In fact much more sensitive and caring than you guys. And not everyone is a bitch. Even a bitch has a heart that seeks respect. You taunt me for being virgin? I have had chances to sleep with them when you din even know how to talk to a girl. But I don't need labels just to prove you suckers that I can do it. And I am NOT afraid of commitment. I am just waiting for a proper time and a perfect person. How is that your business anyway? People like you are responsible for girls losing their faith in boys. If being in love means stalking your girlfriend, calling her at midnight just to check whether she is on call with someone else, being jealous when she talks to some other guy, asking her to stop to meet her guy friends, calling her in front of a bunch of people and asking her to say "I love you" so that you can boast about it, not allowing her to wear short clothes just because she looks adorable and someone else might hit on her, and asking her to sacrifice her job because she earns more than you, then I am proud that I am not a committed loser !

The Versatile Blogger Award !

This post has been pending for long, not because I din't want to write, but because I was not sure what to write. When I started this blog, I was not even 1% sure that somebody will actually read it ! Now,after 2 and half years, I feel overwhelmed by the fact that people around the globe and all my friends take out time to read my stupidity. I still remember, I was so naive in expressing my feelings in English. My grammar and vocab sucked. I maintained a personal diary since the age of 14, so I knew I am somewhat good at expressing my feelings. But being a Marathi/Hindi medium student,and with no proper background/environment in school/collage, English always scared me. This blog and MBA preparation were the reasons I spent endless nights in learning the language.


@Soumya - You were the reason I started this blog. (Remember  Stalker Scare?:P). You were (and still are) the one whose constant feedback (and of course, taunts :( )  make me improve my writing each passing day. This blog is the reason we turned from strangers to enemies, then friends and then best friends ( at least I feel so :P). Thanks for everything my Lioness . And thanks for the award as well. It means a lot, specially coming from a diversified writer like you !


Hmm..What next? 


7 Random things about me - Well, I knew this would be coming one fine day ;) So I already have a post for this. In fact, I have 20 such things which make a stupid-unique "ME". Check out ... 20 facts about me


My favorite song - Summer of 69- Bran Adams :D


My favorite Dessert - Hmm.. Let's skip this part ;) 


What pisses me of - Dirty/messy rooms, flamboyant/unhygienic  people,  girls with poor dressing sense, poor English grammar ( Can you believe that?:P)


Best feature(s) - Damn ! I wish I had at least one :(


Everyday attitude - Make someone smile :)


What is perfection - Hmm..There is no such thing as "perfection".. 


Guilty Pleasure - Prefer not to reveal it ;)


People I will pass this award to -

This is the toughest part. Well, to be honest, I sincerely feel I am not worthy enough to judge someone's writing. So be it. Who cares about my opinion anyway when there are masters out there on this site :)


Cheers ! :D

Wrong Number and an Affair ! :D

On weekends, I don't usually wake up before afternoon. This applies even when somebody around me is dying (not literally, but still :D). I don't really need any entertainment or "counting-sheep" thing before sleeping. I just close my eyes and bang ! I am dead at least for next 8 hours. Today, that bastard suddenly started ringing at the ungodly hour. I just cut the call even without bothering to look at the screen. 5 mins of silence and it started ringing again ! "What the fuck ! go to hell you jackass !", I shouted and threw it away, hoping it to be broken. But it being Nokia's cheapest model, refused to give up. 10 more minutes and it started ringing again. Trust me, I was in a mood to kill whoever it was across the line. Fumbling, I somehow answered it. 


"You screwed my wife's life, you bastard. Now tell me everything that happened between you two !" a voice at the other end shouted, desperate to kill me. "damn !?" Within a moment, my brain searched for every possible "lady" in my friend list, but none came across as a "screwed-by-me" one. Keeping my voice level to minimum, I asked  "May I know whom do you want to talk to?". "Playing  smart huh? I know you are the one, Vivek!".
I heaved a sign of relief. "I am sorry sir, but you have dialed a wrong number". That gentleman was in no mood to listen. "Tell me your address and I will settle everything once and for all, you coward. You think you can tell my wife about my extramarital affair and sleep with her?". Now this was the limit!. I still tried to keep it cool. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about sir. My name is Manoj and I don't know your wife. You have dialed a wrong number". "Oh yeah, how would your mother feel if she finds out that your father is having extramarital affair?". Now though this was for that so called "Vivek",the effect of last night's drink and disturbed sleep started taking out the "real me". And I am a harmless creature only until my senses are in control. Once I lose the grip, there is no looking back. So I decided to jump in, for Vivek's and his married lover's sake !  


"Listen you jackass, my father is not like you. And when you can sleep with other woman, what is wrong with your wife sleeping with me? Now I am even going to tell this to all your family members. Do what you want to do !" (Sorry Vivek, I am putting you at stake!;)).


I could feel the anger reaching to its extreme levels at the other end. "You know who I am, boy? Once I find out your address, I assure you, you are dead. I know you are from Kolkata".. (My smart mind started doing quick calculations before going further. Now considering this number was a land-line one with code 020 (Pune), and Kolkata being a huge city and that too at the other side of the country , I knew this dumb is never gonna figure out Vivek's address ! ) So I went ahead. " hmm..I get that a lot, just go and sleep with your bitch you loser. And what I do with your wife is none of your business ! (Bingo ! I should get an award for that lame line :D)". 


Now that man started abusing me in local language. I was tempted to do the same, but stopped. (who cares? Vivek, being from Kolkata, must not know Marathi. Though it was still a mystery for me  how he came so long to meet this  gentleman's wife). "I swear to god, I will find you $@%$#%%$#%" .." the man had lost all his control. It was fun and I couldn't stop laughing. That made it even worse.


 "Tell me what do you want to get out of my wife's life?" he demanded after 10 mins of "fun-abuse-cry-torture" drama. Now you are talking buddy ! And after all the boasting he had done about himself, a thought of asking him a million rupees crossed  my mind. I knew he would happily give them away. (What ? Don't give me that look :P. I did not start it and opportunity knocks only once ! And besides, I am under heavy debt !) But alas, this bloody conscience and principles of mine always ruin my life. So all I asked him was "Okay. You immediately quit from your extramarital affair and I won't ever see your wife again!" ( Now this logic was more dependent on his wife, assuming if her husband comes back to her, she will put an end  to her relation with Vivek. Only Vivek will be on the losing side. But what the heck. If he can make a married woman fall in love, he will definately make it with someone of his age ;) Sorry Buddy :P ).


Two minutes of Silence and the man spoke.. " If I keep my word, will you keep your side? I was mislead. I promise never to hurt my wife again". Now it was necessary to pull his wife in so I added , "confess everything in front of your wife and tell her you are not gonna see that other girl again. It's a deal !" (Assuming she won't ditch him for Vivek or else this dumb-ass will again revert back to me :S) "Fine" the man said and simply hung up the phone.


 "Heck, forget about money, I din even get a "thank you" for reunioning two lives :(

When Alcohol Speaks ;)

1. Just 3 pegs down dude, I am not drunk !


2. I will drive, you just shut up and take the "driver's seat" :P


3. Today I will tell her that I love her. (But I will call from your cell, not because I am running out of balance, but because I want to call her from an unknown number)


4. I can die for you my buddy


5. Don't you think we will need more? I still feel absolutely normal.


6. I am paying the bill. Money is not important, you are. (After looking at the bill) - Only because you are insisting, but next time, it's my turn !


7. I never get high, you wanna bet?


8. This is my last peg . I will quit from tomorrow. I swear.


9. Do you think she loves me?


10. When I drink, I love everybody. :D

Top 10 Funny/Irritating Facebook status !

1. I am going Home - Seriously? And you really think people care?

2. Just took a shower - Dude, are you freaking kidding me? I hope you at least put on the clothes or did you directly come in front of your laptop to update status?

3. Feeling Hungry - Then go and eat, you dumb-ass. How hard is that? and why the heck the world needs to know about it anyway?

4. She broke my heart ,she is a bitch - I am glad she did. People like you who don't understand the word "privacy"  deserve to be kicked. And even if she had feelings for you, now after reading your status, rest assured, she is never gonna come back !

5. Reached Karnataka border, 120 km away from home- Well.. No comments !

6. Watching XYZ movie with my GF , it's awesome - How on the earth your GF din mind to come with an attention seeker like you? You idiot, if you keep us updating like this(not that we care!), probably this is the last movie you will ever watch with your GF.

7. I am in a sad mood - Tell me, what do you expect from us? Dance for you? 

8. Yippe, got a new laptop/mobile/bike - Buy one for us as well and we will think about liking your status or commenting on it :P

9. Feeling sleepy - Asshole and you still have time to update people about it. Just go and sleep. We don't care whether you are feeling sleepy or dead !

10. I will now have breakfast at 8 - For this one, I was literally banging my head against the wall for 10 mins. I mean come on ! Thank god you din feel it worthy to share your bowel movements !