Oh Thou Mighty Maid!

“Saheb, Mai nahi aa rahi aaj, khana khud bana lo,” my maid shouted on phone. In my apartment, her words are final verdict.  This is not a new thing to me now. Having a maid who takes away her salary on the 1^st of every month, thereby making an intense impression about her punctuality, which she doesn't even remotely apply in her job, is a common sight in Mumbai. You can find a nice job in this city of dreams, even a true love, even a wife. But bai, and that too a hardworking-bai? Ney!

So may I introduce this one of the most typical maid creatures found in this part of world, my dear “sarla tai”.

Well, in Mumbai if you are a bachelor and that too living alone, people in the society automatically label you as “That-Guy-Stays-Alone-So-He-Gets-Laid-With-A-Different-Girl-Every-Night” kind of playboy. It took me all my sophistication to prove to other equally assholes, but hidden beneath "Married" mask people that a maid can come to my house, cook and go away without I raping her. So by mercy of the aunty next door, I was introduced to “Sarla tai”. 

When she first came to meet me, it was I who was scared to death of being robbed and then raped in my own house. “2000 rupaya legi, ek time shamko khana banayegi wo bhi 9 baje se pahele(you got the hint, right?), ek time zaadu maregi, sirf Saturday ko kapde dhoyegi subah aake, toilet-bathroom mai nahi saaf karegi  aur Sunday ko chutti hona mangta”, she said everything in one breathe, flashing her tobacco stained teeth, in her typical tapori Mumbai tone. I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me !? You give me 2000 Rs. and I will do more work than you :P". But at that point my life was just fucked up and I desperately needed a maid. So I accepted all her terms and conditions.

Gradually, hearing things like, “Cooker laga diya maine, teen sitti marne ke baad band karneka, mereko aur bhi kaam hai, ja rai mai”, “Aaj bedroom nahi zadungi to kya bura ho jayega?” “Itna clean chahiye sab to khud zaadu marneka ek baar aur, waise bhi akele hi to sote ho. Kaunsi ladkiya aati hai yaha? ”,  “Mai do din nahi aa rahi, aaj 25^th hai, siddha 1^st ko aaungi (hain? 2 din? :P) salary lene”, “Sunday ke saath Saturday bhi chutti diya ho kya hota?, 5 din to karti na itni mehnat mai (Mehnat? Scratches his balls - because hair is too mainstream??)” , have become an integral part of my life.

For grocery shopping, I hand her over 1000 Rs. each month, along with a list, that at the most costs 700-800, but I never get money back. Despite all rudeness, she is really a nice person at heart. There was a time when I was ill and she took care of me like my own mother for 3 days. There was a time when she told me things about her drunken husband and all the worries she had. How she alone slogs to support her entire family.  But over the time, it became almost impossible for her to manage all the work in the evening. I never complained when she did not show up even for weeks. Last month, she came only for 3 days in the entire month, still I did not say anything. The main reason was, I felt I was under her debt for taking care of me when I was sick. And besides, considering her worries, it was not really a big deal to pay her that much money for whatever she does for me. I don’t know how, but she managed to come to me day before and said, “aap bohot acche ho saheb. Mai itni chuttiya marti fir bhi kabhi kuch nahi bola aapne. Yaha koi samajhta nahi itna. Lekin mereko bhi lag raha hai ke aise haram ka paisa nahi khaneka.” Mai na chhod rahi aajse. Hua to dekhti hu koi acchi kaam karne waali bai aapke liye. Waise aap khud bhi acche se kar lete to tension nahi leneka. Milungi kabhi”, she said with a heavy heart and returned me her last month’s salary despite my attempts to persuade her to keep it.

That was really noble of her. Just one day gone and I already miss her presence. Most of the times, It was me who used to cook and she used to taste it. Half an hour of her typical tapori language and her drama would made my mood fresh like anything. Anyway, things should move on, so should life. :) Long live, Sarla tai.

Rape of a poor language ;)

Few people are bad with grammar and languages. But raping it to the core is a different thing altogether. My higher authorities, for example, speak like a random word generator software. It’s like they know the words necessary to complete the sentence but they just put them in any order, irritating readers/listeners to the extent that we literally scratch our hair. As these people are born entrepreneurs, they refuse to abide by the grammar rules and instead, create their own “raped” version of a sentence. Here are some golden sentences from my friends and some other people.

   If you want(have?) any issues, mail me.

   Why the heck I want to do that?

   You are confusion.

   Asshole, say this to your child. I am not confusion. I have a confusion.

   Please be on top of this issue.

   Thank God, you are courteous enough not to mention the position!

   I am having a bad headache today

   Yeah, as If I get a good one

   This issue is very erotic no?

    Sir, you speak like this in front of the people whose first language is English. And then you complain why aren't we getting enough business from these clients. It’s erratic , you hole.

   (To a Girl) – You will work down with Manoj!

   No wonder I didn't see that girl again.

   I am taking my “wife’s back” to  a doctor

   Haha, lets just hope buddy. You get the point. Don’t you?

   I am taking leave for 2 weeks. So you can expect my absence in that duration

   How hard was that to guess, huh?

   You did it tomorrow, no?

    I just can't take it when people append a "no" to every sentence they speak. And Nope, I will do it yesterday!

   I will brief you "in detail" about this topic today

   Thank you sir, thank you very much. Only Rajnikant or you can do it.

   Would you like to “cum” with me? Ping me.

   No thanks, I would rather “cum” alone :P

  

The Corporate Creatures! ;)

 “I-know-how-to-use-my-charm" girls
These girls are usually blessed with an angelic/pretty face and a perfect body. They define the word "beauty". And the worst part is, they know what they are and how to use their charm. They don’t really need to struggle in order to get the work done. Be it a coding assignment, which they pass on to their colleagues by saying “DEAR,(yes, this much is sufficient for a guy) could you do it for me, please?” or a leave application to be approved my their managers. They spend half of their office time over phone or talking nonsense (or in washrooms, for that matter!) and still manage to get the best rating by their mere charm. Everyone in the team including married bastards try hard to hit on them and these girls don’t mind. For it serves their purpose too to have a licking puppy. These girls usually neglect people who have no commanding position in the project and chess after people like team leaders or managers who are responsible for hike in the paycheck. They are pain-in-the-ass for people who slog almost 10 hours a day in office and still get no credit, because higher authority prefers to scan these girls’ inner-wears rather than checking other's sucking line of codes. 

“Mustache-girls-with-sucky-dressing-sense”

Honey, I agree God has not given you a cute face or a nice body. May be he was in depression while creating you! But least you can do on your part is to make yourself presentable. I mean, you get the paycheck every month. Ever given it a thought to buy something useful? Umm. How about a razor? And sensible girls do not wear sport shoes on a salwar kameez, a dark lipstick on already dark face, slippers on sari. So on and so forth!

“committed-to-work-girl”
A rare type, indeed, when it comes to GIRLS. (Feel offended? Drag me to the court!). These girls either have no personal life, or don’t know how to use their charm or simply don’t prefer to use it or are carrier oriented. They may be good looking, but in most of the cases, they are not. So they bypass the trouble of people hitting on them and make sure they utilize their office time well, in learning the actual work. They don’t have to butter every other lusty bastard in the project to get their promotion. They don’t bitch about other people, or even about bitches. They fight alone and their work says it all.  

“Girls-with-no-knowledge-but-good-presentation-skills”

    They know what to ask and when to ask. By using this dangerous weapon called "word", they create such an impression that people actually think these girls are master resource of the project. Well, the truth is, if you observe it keenly, they have a repeated pattern of when to nod, when to say yes, when to raise a doubt. They are masters when it comes to using perfect timing and situations. In actuality, they don't even have a slightest idea about the work and they tremble when you press things a bit deeper. Marketing genius, I call them! Who gives a fuck about what work they do as long as they know how to allude senior authority with their presentation skills? 


 “Good-for-nothing" girls

    Take negative points from all above points and combine them into one loser. You will get your "good-for-nothing" girls. They have the most depressing face on the earth, hairy hands/mustache, no knowledge, no charm, no dressing sense, no social manners, inferiority complex and no presentation skills. They still survive in the industry. Phew, hats off. Being a girl helps sometimes, huh?


 Decent girls

    They come to office only to work and nothing else. Well mannered and quite knowledgeable. It really doesn't matter whether they are good looking or not, have a nice dressing sense or not. All that matters is they are good at heart and are always willing to share other's responsibility. They are dedicated to work and yet know how to enjoy life. They never behave like a bitch even when they don't get promoted or credit of work. Instead, they try to work hard next time. They can be your good office friends, a resting shoulder in your hour of needs. They mind their own business. They come to office, work, go home. As simple as that. Respect for such girls.


 A Perfect corporate beauty

   These girls are very good at what they do. They are gifted with stunning beauty and are knowledgeable too. They don't need to use their gifted beauty for getting the hikes. Instead, they let their performance do all the talk. Nonetheless, they posses the killer ability to sugar quote their work with advertising. If performance fails, they still know how to get the promotion by using other things. But at least they define their standards and don't let every tom-dick-harry cross their path. 
  
The nagging bastards

   These assholes are never happy with what they get. Be it a promotion or a project or something else. They just send a wave of frustration among their colleagues and are looked down upon. They are responsible for all the negative energy in the team. They always fart frustration. No matter what the situation is, they lose!

"I-know-it-all" boys”

   These creatures consider themselves the pinnacle of the company. Ask them anything and they will have an answer. (Not necessarily the right answer!). They never skip a chance to boast about their achievements. These guys usually suck at building rapport with other people due to this egoistic/flamboyant nature and end up scoring lowest, be it in promotion or impressing girls.

    
 The "cool" dudes
  These guys know how to impress higher authority despite being a guy! They have knowledge, good convincing skills, know how to advertise their work when necessary and have a good impression on girls. People don't usually utter bad things about them, even behind their back. They go well along with any kind of people and are good at heart



 Lusty fuckers

   These guys have an inbuilt scanner in their eyes. They scan each and every girl from top to bottom and usually find something good in ANY girl (of course, only physically). They don't really bother or complain about their type of work but yes, put them in a project where there are no girls and they develop suicidal tendencies.


    So which category do you fall in? ;)


    P.S. I am back! For those who thought I will commit suicide after what they have done to me, well, not so easy suckers! Now it's revenge time.
   P.S.1 There is something terribly wrong with the indentation. I can't figure out why. (Yes, I am an IT engineer!) :P

Pain-in-the-ass-habits !

Habits describe human nature. Don't they? But nowadays, mine are such a pain in the ass. I don't know what is wrong, but past two weeks, few things have turned into a weird routine. Mind you, what you are about to read are just two weeks older! But bitches are getting consistent each passing day.


1. It's getting colder here day after day. I usually take bath with cold water. Nowadays, after entering the bathroom, all I do is stare at that icy water, wondering what to do with it. How am I supposed to take bath with that icy bitch? So I just stare for 5 mins and all of a sudden I take that bucket full of water on my body. Sigh! No wonder I feel sick. 
P.S. I do have a geyser in my bathroom. Am I dumb?


2. Every night I swear to God that I will keep my door key in place. I never do. It specially irritates me to the core. Because I am obsessed with this organization thingy. In my room, you won't find a thing moved an inch away from its place. But when it comes to the door key, I get screwed. Now missing the office bus or running after it is a part of my life. I get up exactly half an hour before arrival of the bus and I spend at least 10 mins searching for this damn key ! I mean how hard is to get a key-chain or place the key on the table?


3. I spill milk almost everyday. To break this routine, I used to stand in front of gas like an idiot, hoping to cut off the ignition at the boiling point. 5-10 mins and nothing happens. Then I suddenly feel this urge to listen to music. So I go to bedroom, switch on my laptop and by the time I return, bang ! it's all gone. Bastard is playing with me huh?


4. I sleep chanting , "I am the master of my own bladder" The simple reason is, if I wake up to pee in the middle of night, I can't sleep afterwards. So I make sure that I drink plenty of water, pee and then sleep. And fuck! After few hours, I again wake up to pee! The more I try to not think about it, the more intense it becomes. Winter effects or bloody moody penis of mine?


5. I stare at people for no reason. Actually I have this tendency to stare at someone when I am lost in my thoughts. But nowadays, every-time I stare at someone, it happens to be a beautiful girl. No wonder I get "Mind-your-own-business-you-creep, never-saw-a-girl-before? You-horny-bastard" look. :(


6. I switch on alarm clock in my phone. I sleep for 15 mins and then convince myself that it's not on. Furious, I wake up again. Stare at it. See it is on. In frustration, turn it off and then on again. Then sleep. I still don't realize it's on for 7.30 PM and not AM. I have been doing this since 4 days now. Even apes are smarter than me !




Is the world really coming to end? Somebody save me :(

Ugh. I don't want to get married !!

Today I was looking at my blog stats which are now constantly showing a remarkable improvement. I never really cared about people viewing/not viewing my posts because I write for myself, most of the times. But alas, this bloody human nature always seeks appreciation. Though it always makes me wonder why the number of people reading my blog is never proportional to those commenting or following. I mean guys, your one extra little step to comment/feedback/(or even insult, though less preferable) makes my day and helps me improve my writing. (Of course, If my articles make sense to you, which, I assure you will be a very rare case!)


Anyway, coming back to the post. My parents and I were having serious (of course, one sided) discussion about the marriage thing. I don't understand. My parents always think I am too childish and I always behave like a kid. On the other hand, how can the same people insist me to get married every now and then. The discussion went something like this


(Scenario - Phone on speaker mode. Big deal?  I will prefer running naked on the road than talking to both my mom and dad at the same time ! And I mean it. (provided I am allowed to cover the most important body part))


Mother - So? Have you thought about your marriage?
Me : (Damn Maa, why are you so straight forward? At least don't jump to the topic right away!) -Oh please. For God's sake, I am just 24.
(And the adviser enters!) Father : I was 21 when I got married. We still live a happy life. What is wrong about it?
Me : (Oh yeah. Just because you found your pretty lady so soon. I am not that lucky)  Things were different back then ! I need to get settled first. Financially.
Father: Yeah. Talk about financial stability. Your father has enough money to let you live life of a king size. Why don't you quit that bullshit job and join me? Even I pay my people more than what you get.
Me : (Right. Whatsoever happened to "I-Want-To-Establish-My-Own, Sucking-Poor-But-OWN-Identity" concept? )(Almost shouting) Look at the petrol prizes.
Father : (Surprised)- What the hell it has to do with you? You don't even own a bike/car. You said you don't need one as of now.
Me : (Feeling like a jack-ass now) - But girls prefer guys that have a stable future (And of course, much more. But I should only talk about the things that I am capable of)
Mother - Look, I have only one son. And I want to see him get married before I die.
Me : (Now, where the heck this came from? Emotional blackmailing..I so hate it !) -There is no guarantee of life.  Even I can die before you (After-all I am your son, So I also know a bit of "How-to-return-tortures" ;))
Father : Are you dating someone? You can tell us. At least we can then stop searching girls for you. We are getting a lot of proposals from our community.
Me : (Now this is the couple that had an ..may I quote it.."inter-caste" love marriage when there were so many restrictions in the society. Still he takes care to say, "from our community". Really?  What makes you think I will marry a girl of our caste only? I could have ended this topic by saying "yes" but again, that would have led to an infinite series of questions that they don't even care about in reality, such as, "Who is she?" , "How does she look?" " Is she of our caste?", etc., so decided otherwise.) - No. I am not dating anyone. But you can still stop searching for me.
Mother : You know about %$%^ right? He is having a fat paycheck but now he has crossed age 30. No one is willing to make an alliance with him. Just don't cry once your young age is passed.
Me : (Okay. Think of it logically. He is 7 years older to me..7 fucking years. And No one is willing to make an alliance with him  because %$%^ is not only ugly but also rude and arrogant and has tons of dirty habits. Din't anyone tell you that?) - Don't worry. I will manage.
Mother : Also, You are getting bald. Aren't you? Where is your hair? I din see it last time you came home.
Me : (:Bangs his head: )I am not getting bald. I cut my hair. There is a hell of difference between these two. You had problems when I grew it up to my shoulders. Now you have problems when I keep it short. And a Girl is not going to marry me because of my hair anyways. (Just an assumption ;))
Mother : Fine. So tell us how much time you need? It takes almost a year to search for the right girl, knowing her background and all preparation stuff. Would you be interested in looking at some of the photos?
Me : (Yeah, send all of them to me along with mobile numbers :P I will then decide what to do with them ;)) -
At least 3 more years. Period. 
(After a long long pause!) Mother: This guy is impossible. (To father) You tell him.
Father : Look beta.. (And the Gyan Begins!) $@##%$^%&*^*^*#$%...
Me : (Puts the phone aside, washes his face, combs his "bald" headed hair, eats an apple and comes back) - Yes paa. I get it. I will think over it. Happy? Now please, I have a call to attend.
Father : You always avoid the topic. Don't tell me you are not interested in girls. I get that a lot now-a-days. Big city culture. 
Me: (Dumbstruck! Thinking: There was a time when even uttering the word "sex" in front of your parents could cause them a heart attack. And now the same parents are raising concerns about their son getting into a homosexual relationship. Either Indian culture is getting out if it's traditional thinking or my father has lost it. Don't worry Paa, Law 377 has not provoked me . But let's see how you can take it!)
Me : Hmm.. Not sure :P
(I din imagine that little sentence of mine could cause disaster. Within 2 mins , my mother cursed every known guy friend of mine. If she had the authority, she might have even deported them to US, the country she believes that started this trend of homosexuality, thereby reducing human species, and in turn, the number of girls her son has a shot with! But who will dare to tell her that it all started decades ago and that too in her holy India)
Me : oh stop it ! I was just kidding. I swear on you. I am straight !
Father : (still suspicious) - So why don't you want to take this marriage thing seriously?
Me : (Bite me) - I said I will think about it.
Mother : (Not willing to give up this time) - WHEN?
Me : When I get my hair back :D (Hangs up abruptly, looking in mirror and silently praying his hair to grow as slowly as possible ;))

Wrong Number and an Affair ! :D

On weekends, I don't usually wake up before afternoon. This applies even when somebody around me is dying (not literally, but still :D). I don't really need any entertainment or "counting-sheep" thing before sleeping. I just close my eyes and bang ! I am dead at least for next 8 hours. Today, that bastard suddenly started ringing at the ungodly hour. I just cut the call even without bothering to look at the screen. 5 mins of silence and it started ringing again ! "What the fuck ! go to hell you jackass !", I shouted and threw it away, hoping it to be broken. But it being Nokia's cheapest model, refused to give up. 10 more minutes and it started ringing again. Trust me, I was in a mood to kill whoever it was across the line. Fumbling, I somehow answered it. 


"You screwed my wife's life, you bastard. Now tell me everything that happened between you two !" a voice at the other end shouted, desperate to kill me. "damn !?" Within a moment, my brain searched for every possible "lady" in my friend list, but none came across as a "screwed-by-me" one. Keeping my voice level to minimum, I asked  "May I know whom do you want to talk to?". "Playing  smart huh? I know you are the one, Vivek!".
I heaved a sign of relief. "I am sorry sir, but you have dialed a wrong number". That gentleman was in no mood to listen. "Tell me your address and I will settle everything once and for all, you coward. You think you can tell my wife about my extramarital affair and sleep with her?". Now this was the limit!. I still tried to keep it cool. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about sir. My name is Manoj and I don't know your wife. You have dialed a wrong number". "Oh yeah, how would your mother feel if she finds out that your father is having extramarital affair?". Now though this was for that so called "Vivek",the effect of last night's drink and disturbed sleep started taking out the "real me". And I am a harmless creature only until my senses are in control. Once I lose the grip, there is no looking back. So I decided to jump in, for Vivek's and his married lover's sake !  


"Listen you jackass, my father is not like you. And when you can sleep with other woman, what is wrong with your wife sleeping with me? Now I am even going to tell this to all your family members. Do what you want to do !" (Sorry Vivek, I am putting you at stake!;)).


I could feel the anger reaching to its extreme levels at the other end. "You know who I am, boy? Once I find out your address, I assure you, you are dead. I know you are from Kolkata".. (My smart mind started doing quick calculations before going further. Now considering this number was a land-line one with code 020 (Pune), and Kolkata being a huge city and that too at the other side of the country , I knew this dumb is never gonna figure out Vivek's address ! ) So I went ahead. " hmm..I get that a lot, just go and sleep with your bitch you loser. And what I do with your wife is none of your business ! (Bingo ! I should get an award for that lame line :D)". 


Now that man started abusing me in local language. I was tempted to do the same, but stopped. (who cares? Vivek, being from Kolkata, must not know Marathi. Though it was still a mystery for me  how he came so long to meet this  gentleman's wife). "I swear to god, I will find you $@%$#%%$#%" .." the man had lost all his control. It was fun and I couldn't stop laughing. That made it even worse.


 "Tell me what do you want to get out of my wife's life?" he demanded after 10 mins of "fun-abuse-cry-torture" drama. Now you are talking buddy ! And after all the boasting he had done about himself, a thought of asking him a million rupees crossed  my mind. I knew he would happily give them away. (What ? Don't give me that look :P. I did not start it and opportunity knocks only once ! And besides, I am under heavy debt !) But alas, this bloody conscience and principles of mine always ruin my life. So all I asked him was "Okay. You immediately quit from your extramarital affair and I won't ever see your wife again!" ( Now this logic was more dependent on his wife, assuming if her husband comes back to her, she will put an end  to her relation with Vivek. Only Vivek will be on the losing side. But what the heck. If he can make a married woman fall in love, he will definately make it with someone of his age ;) Sorry Buddy :P ).


Two minutes of Silence and the man spoke.. " If I keep my word, will you keep your side? I was mislead. I promise never to hurt my wife again". Now it was necessary to pull his wife in so I added , "confess everything in front of your wife and tell her you are not gonna see that other girl again. It's a deal !" (Assuming she won't ditch him for Vivek or else this dumb-ass will again revert back to me :S) "Fine" the man said and simply hung up the phone.


 "Heck, forget about money, I din even get a "thank you" for reunioning two lives :(

When Alcohol Speaks ;)

1. Just 3 pegs down dude, I am not drunk !


2. I will drive, you just shut up and take the "driver's seat" :P


3. Today I will tell her that I love her. (But I will call from your cell, not because I am running out of balance, but because I want to call her from an unknown number)


4. I can die for you my buddy


5. Don't you think we will need more? I still feel absolutely normal.


6. I am paying the bill. Money is not important, you are. (After looking at the bill) - Only because you are insisting, but next time, it's my turn !


7. I never get high, you wanna bet?


8. This is my last peg . I will quit from tomorrow. I swear.


9. Do you think she loves me?


10. When I drink, I love everybody. :D

Top 10 Funny/Irritating Facebook status !

1. I am going Home - Seriously? And you really think people care?

2. Just took a shower - Dude, are you freaking kidding me? I hope you at least put on the clothes or did you directly come in front of your laptop to update status?

3. Feeling Hungry - Then go and eat, you dumb-ass. How hard is that? and why the heck the world needs to know about it anyway?

4. She broke my heart ,she is a bitch - I am glad she did. People like you who don't understand the word "privacy"  deserve to be kicked. And even if she had feelings for you, now after reading your status, rest assured, she is never gonna come back !

5. Reached Karnataka border, 120 km away from home- Well.. No comments !

6. Watching XYZ movie with my GF , it's awesome - How on the earth your GF din mind to come with an attention seeker like you? You idiot, if you keep us updating like this(not that we care!), probably this is the last movie you will ever watch with your GF.

7. I am in a sad mood - Tell me, what do you expect from us? Dance for you? 

8. Yippe, got a new laptop/mobile/bike - Buy one for us as well and we will think about liking your status or commenting on it :P

9. Feeling sleepy - Asshole and you still have time to update people about it. Just go and sleep. We don't care whether you are feeling sleepy or dead !

10. I will now have breakfast at 8 - For this one, I was literally banging my head against the wall for 10 mins. I mean come on ! Thank god you din feel it worthy to share your bowel movements !

Awesome One Liners !

Well, these one liners always make me laugh, no matter fucked up my life is.
The most effective ones include






1. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.


2. Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are. ;)


3. If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"


4. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth !


5. Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.


6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


7. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?


8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


9. If you ever want to see a man cry..Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other..And..MAKE HIM CHOOSE!


10. I used to think the brain was the most important organ in the body, then I realized --- look what's telling me that.


11. I dont make mistakes, I date them.


12. Do you belive in love at first site, or shall I walk past again?


13. I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on EBAY


14. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.


15. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich


16. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time


17. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing .


18. If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now :P


19. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem !


20. Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys. ;)

Dare to pick up the phone, I am an Insurance Agent !!

"Hello Mr. Manoj, If you remember I have had calling  you since one month for taking  LIC and you tell me to call in July asking about it". A voice over the phone with superior(?) English accent and who just "murdered" grammar with a mere sentence, literally made me jump of out the bed. "Heck , Not this jerk again !", were the only expressions I could afford . "So you are free to talk , right?" , the tone of his voice was rather commanding, than inquiring. Knowing that I have nothing else to do , I decided to pull him a bit and so started the conversation

Manoj - I can talk. Tell me what is it?

Agent : (For the reader's sake, I will translate his speech in what I think is "English !" ) Sir, are you interested in an LIC policy now? If yes, I can go ahead and provide you plans that suit to your requirement.

Manoj - (Haha, even I cant provide myself worthy enough to fulfill my own requirements,but anyway) I am , now. What kinda plans do you have to offer?

Agent : There are a number of schemes available. May I ask you how much do you earn per month?

Manoj : (Wow, thanks for suggesting me the easiest way to get rid of you !) 5000 pm. A flat reply .

Agent : ( Probably after a 30 second pause !) - Okay (This time he omitted "Sir" ;) ), and how much can you invest in a plan?

Manoj : ( Fuck ! This guy is a real optimist, try one more time Mani ) - Hmm..Dunno, around 500 rs? :P

Agent : Sir, as you very young, I would suggest you should go for at least 2k per month's plan.

Manoj : (Fine, it's now on Bitch. I am tough when it comes to give up , son!) I am sorry, but not possible, I just got married and have a wife to take  care of. Max I can invest is 1 grand.

Agent : That will do , sir. But I were told that you work with an IT company past three years. Your salary is a bit low as compared to your experience.

Manoj : (What the heck ! Who on the earth provides information to these people?) Well, the company fired me one month before.

Agent : Oh , I am sorry. But I do have plans for 1 grand. You can take that one as of now and later upgrade it or take a new plan in parallel.

Manoj - (Okay, I give up, you win .Happy?) Hmm.. seems good . So tell me about it. (Now considering the fact that I already knew what he is going to say because I already have a policy, I switched my cell to speaker mode , kept it aside, washed my face, changed cloths and returned.)

Agent : (Still talking ! It surprised me because he was "he" and not "she" ) x%$$^^%^&*.. You there ,sir?

Manoj : I am listening.

Agent : So as I was saying, maturity period can be 20-30 years, depending on your choice and you can get a fair amount which summons up to approximately 6 lacs. 

Manoj : (I get that amount in less than one year you jackass. But anyway, who cares?) It's not very much.

Agent : But sir, you are investing ONLY 1k per month. 

Manoj : (This time laughing on the insult ) . Right. But I met another agent who says I can get up to 15 lacs on the same investment. 

Agent : (Not quite sure about his own expertise in the field) I din come across such policy which gives so much return value. Can you tell me which company he represents?

Manoj : (only if I knew !)He has asked not to reveal the name. Sorry.

Agent : (Still not willing to give up)- As you can see sir, this policy does not involve risk factor. So you will not have to be worried about your money. And there are many additional benefits.

Manoj : ( Why the heck will I be worried about 1k per month anyway? And dude, can't you get it? I am not interested. Why did I start the conversation in the first place?) I don't want additional benefits.

(Do something you idiot..)

Agent : But sir, once you listen to me, I am sure you will be interested.

Manoj : ( It's high time for me to hang up ! So the drama begins!) - Hello..hello.. I can't hear you.

Agent : But I am getting your voice very clearly, as I was saying..

Manoj : Hello..Hello..I think some problem in the network . Please do call me after some time.

Finally ! Damn it, exhausted after this half an hour "Even-if-you-are-a-beggar, please-take-my-LIC-policy" conversation, I quickly added that number to my black list and heaved a sigh of relief. 

Insurance Agents ! They Bite :(

The "Real" Son of a Bitch !

       Glad that for the first time, I am using this phrase at the right place ! (Most of the times, I end up offering it to the creatures called "friends" ). Few days before, I went to the other part of city to attend my cousin's wedding. Well, I am not much into attending marriages but then one day my mother scared hell out of me saying, "Mani, If you don't attend family weddings, no one will bother to come to yours". From that day, I made it compulsory to show my stupid face and bless(?) bride and groom. After the ceremony was over, I was on my way back home and saw this cutest puppy. He was walking amid the traffic street, not caring that this is not a property of his forefathers. He had no sense or fear, whatsoever. As I am born with a nature that cannot see people/animal helpless (Slight exaggeration, but will do for this point!), I decided to adopt him. By looking at his face, no one can say he is a street dog. On the other hand, every time I go to a standard place, I need to convince people that I am a "professional" earning nice paychecks. Anyway, carrying  him home was another big problem as PMT buses here don't allow to carry "Low profile animals" (pets) along with "high profile animals" like me. My attempts to bribe conductor failed despite me offering him 50rs for a 7rs ticket. So Finally I had to spare around 350 bucks to hire an auto and take him home. As soon as he entered home, he gave me a clear warning of not to confuse his cute face by what he actually is by turning my white tiles into a dirty green-yellowish color . I never thought God will be so kind that I will actually have to clean someone's shit one day. I named him Patchy after a brown patch on his whitish body. So as I thought, Doctor declared him a "dalmatian" cross breed . He must have left home and unknowingly ended up on the streets. Knowing his breed, I spent around solid 5 grands purchasing his stuff. Hell, taking care of a dog is much more costly than taking care of a human being. I mean 900 bucks for a small injection? 1000 for pedigree? 850 for a bed? You must be kidding me. Soon every single thing that once belonged to me was his property. He is like a flatmate offering poo and pee instead of rent ! He eats more than a weight lifter following hefty diet and poops more than a disturbed-stomach person . I was patient, believing that one day he will be trained and make it a habit to do his dirty stuff outside. But he is not ready to change. On the other hand, now I got a habit to clean his stuff before going to and after coming from office. My once neatly cleaned and organized room , hygienic nature are no longer a part of my life. Anyway, he is too young to understand it all. Patience is the key. He is very clever by the way. For example, He never cries or barks at night which helps me to get up on time for the office. And God, you cannot break his defense mechanism . He is adept in hiding himself from danger and if you try to dominate him, he goes very aggressive biting you at the "right" positions that will force you to give up. He is a highly active creature and requires a lot of attention so I have decided to send him home. It is not possible to take care of him throughout day due to office timings and I don't want his active nature to go waste. My parents are very much excited. The proud words from my mother were, "Don't worry, we will take very good care of him. Anyway, we feel lonely after one dog left the home ( Why do I feel it was for me? well, it was !) so another one will make home alive again" . He is such a sweetheart. I can literally spend hours just by having him on my laps. His innocent eyes talk to me. He shows his affection towards me by licking my face all the time. (Okay, that once was the most unhygienic thing for me, but now, it isn't !). I do give him a lot of time but I feel he needs more. Apart from his fecal matters, he doesn't trouble me much . Sending him away is rather a situational demand than my will. Anyway, I can go home every weekend and meet him so this is not a big deal. This is least I can do for him, after all, he is one of the best things ever happened to me !

A "Missed" Journey :)

As per the new sucking time-table, my three alarms rang making hideous sounds that usually force to wake up everyone but me in the building . Trust me, even three alarms mean nothing when you are deep down in your fancy dream holding onto some gorgeous. ;)  Anyway, my home-gifted-cooler makes more noise than the breeze it throws, so most of the times I don't hear alarm bell. Today when I woke up, it was raining. For a moment I literally forgot the fact that I have only one bus that takes me to the office. The weather effects forced me to go back into my dreams and when I woke up again, it was already quarter to 10. "Fuck !" was the only  word I could utter. My area is still under developing stage and many residents here belong to IT industry who either follow strict bus timings or have their own car, so the Government here doesn't bother much to increase the frequency of buses. In simple terms, there was no way for me to get to the office, unless I was lucky enough to be at the bus stand and catch that "we-can't-promise-you-any-proper-timing" PMT bus. Fortunately I was lucky ! A bus came within 15 minutes, showing the real side of India, where people were hanging onto every possible place, in and outside the bus. Knowing that there is no other option, I somehow managed to get into. And the  drama begun !

First shock came when the conductor snatched those 100 Rs. from my hand and handed me over a ticket of 10 Rs., not returning anything back. I tried to protest but that fellow gave me that "you-jackass-either-bring-the-change-or-forget-your-money" glance. He soon disappeared into the crowd, despite me yelling at him. After a 10 minutes struggle, I somehow got a seat. Soon a lady comes to me and points that this seat is reserved for ladies. I stare at her stupidly. I mean come on, every single "Reserved for Ladies" seat was occupied by men so gimme one reason why should I quit on my seat. But alas, I abandoned  the seat like a gentleman ,neglecting that "you-coward" glance of a man seating next to me . The best part was that the driver was still searching for passengers ! I mean how greedy can someone get?  After half an hour, I was standing in a position , which would have put me behind the bars, had I not been in a bus ! Surrounded by 4 feminine creatures touching "every" part of my body and absolutely no space to move, I finally gave up on my money, considering worthiness of the ride. Usually a 20-minute journey took around one hour due to traffic and when I finally reached the office, it  was quarter past to 12. (Thankfully  my lead understood what it means by missing a bus and said nothing when I gave him the reason.) .I then vowed before my "10-100 rs. ticket" in hand that I will never miss the office bus again. Damn it, I need more alarms and less fancy dreams to make that happen !

The Interview Drama ! :D

Worst day of my life ever! Though now I am seriously preparing for GMAT, considering the booming market in Telecom, I decided to take an interview for Samsung and Aricent. Well, I regret my decision. This is one of the very few situations where I felt like I am the dumbest creature on the earth. Samsung had a written test which I couldn't clear. No regret for this! Test was damn tough. My head was literally spinning for first 10 minutes after looking at the questions. I abused myself with every possible "self-insulting" words when I found out that I can't get around. I am glad that at least I was not the only one having this feeling. After the confirmation from dozens of other interviewees, I somehow convinced my mind that test was really tough. But worse was yet to come. Being humiliated by the test, I then headed to Aricent walk ins. Oh man, why didn't someone stop me from doing that? There were two guys who interviewed me. It went something like this

1st guy - Okay Manoj, So tell me about yourself.

Manoj - (Yawning right on his face! Not my fault, I was awake since 2 am! ) ^%%&^**@$#
Both guys stare at me!
Manoj -(What?) excuse me, I am a bit exhausted.
2nd guy - So you are working with IBM past two years huh..Your coding must be excellent!
Manoj - (Damn you, If it were excellent, I would have been taking Google's interview. Not yours! But buck up Mani, this is not a place to cry about your project's poor exposure!) Well, we don't do extensive coding but yeah, I have a fair idea about fundamentals.

2nd guy - Cool. So tell me what do you do in your project.

Manoj-(What do you think I will do for 20 K? I come to office, I chat, I wander around, I go to cafeteria ,I hopelessly stare at the new girls in our project and then I go home!) I will give you a brief overview as my module is very large and explaining it will take much time. Is it okay? Feel free to interrupt me if you need details at any point in time.

2nd guy- Sure. Go Ahead.

Manoj - blah blah blah..^%^8&*((88#%#%

1st guy -Seems interesting. Tell me more about ^%&^

Manoj - Screw you. If I knew more, I would not have offered a " brief view"!) *&^*^ is blah blah blah..

2nd guy - So Manoj, can you write a program to &^*^&$

Manoj-(Yippee. I had mugged it day before yesterday. Lucky! Now listen jerk) sure. The logic goes as follows..%$&^&^

1st guy- Can you implement it using ^%%*%& ?

Manoj - (I bet even your father does not know how to implement it that way! Thank to god son, your at the other side of the table!) -I can try.
For next 10 minutes I wrote something which was hard to decipher. Even for me! Actually I gave up as soon as he asked that question. But well, let him think that I am doing something!

2nd guy- (Frustrated after 7 minutes..) Can you do it,Manoj?

Manoj - (Dumb-ass ,hell NO, but lets see what you have got!) Seems a bit tough, I have never used this type in my coding. But I am curious to know about it. Can you please explain it to me?)
Phew..and the sides change!

2nd guy Wrote some bullshit on the paper. Anyway,I don't give a damn to what he explained. But I had to pretend as if I am willing to learn!

Manoj- hmm..ohh..yeah..didn't strike me earlier..you are right!

1st guy - So do you know UNIX?

Manoj - (I know about UNIX more than your forefathers! Glad you came to this area. Now ask whatever you want! )Yes. I have a good grasp on UNIX fundamentals.

1st guy - Okay. I will come back to it later (He never did! :() first tell me more about %$%&*

Manoj - (You are a real son of a bitch.I know you have decided not to take me in.)
I don't know.(This time I was losing my patience,so no more polite words!)

2nd guy - I thought you know c++ well.

Manoj -(I never said this, you moron. Anyway.) As I said,we don't do extensive coding. But I am willing to learn (of course if you are willing to pay me twice my salary!)

1st guy - Wrote some crap function..Can you please explain the output of this function?

Manoj - (As if I am a walking compiler !) (That was a damn tough program code he had written) hmm..well..actually..basically..I can try..give me a minute please..okay..the output will be..I don't remember the implementation..but I think..this goes here..so ...returning value will be.. (and it went on..!)

1st guy - Never mind. What about this one (wrote another program!) and this time gave me 4 options. (He must have understood,this guy is gonna suck!)

Manoj - (choose something idiot..!Do inky-pinky-ponky--!) Answer will be option 3 (Damn it, give me less salary, but don't ask "how"?) (Thankfully he dint :))

2nd guy- So tell me about possible future scope in your project!

Manoj-(If my project had a "scope", I would not have bothered to come here, you really are a jackass!) blah..&%^&$#%#%..blah..^%$^
They asked 10 more questions after that and finally decided this guy is good for nothing..(yeah, I know it, why did it take so long for you guys to figure it out? :P)
Okay Manoj, please wait outside. We will let you know the results in a while!
Manoj - (Haha. Your company is not up to my standards! I don't want your job) okay. Nice to meet you both (But for God's sake, please don't ever meet me again,or else that would be your last day on the earth)
Then I came home,without even bothering to wait for results.
Happy(?) Ending!

But one thing,I never felt so humiliated in my life before this. I was damn good at some point in time in collage, but this mba fever took me away from technical.
But after this incident, I have decided to clear a damn interview first(I don't care if I get a job or not,I just want to satisfy myself that I can do it!). Screw the GMAT. I will postpone it again, if need arises. But now I cant sleep without clearing an interview. I am starting my technical preparation. Not because I want a job (yeah..that is a reason, but the main reason is I have to convince myself that I am good at technical. Because this is the first time I was so down in my own eyes) . And frankly I cant cope with this feeling. I always did things by giving my best shots. I go to extremities in anything I do(whether it is good or bad.)
So, next one month in technical studies and I will surely make the interviewer (and of course, my attitude!) happy.

A Typical Day at THE Office...!!!

Ney! Misleading title! A typical day at my office is now becoming more like an ordinary day. The guy who used to work almost for 12-13 hours, gradually learned how to live the corporate life :) And Bingo! Only with a book named "How to manage(or kill!) time when you are at office" (Don't ask me who is the author. It's a hidden treasure) and with some guidance from my cohorts, I have aced the art of keeping my professional and personal life way apart from each other. Though the work load is triple than it used to be, now I usually devote only 20% of the time working efficiently. (Come on! Don't give me that look, everyone else in IT does it). I no longer care about my manager's "I-will-throw-you-out-if-you-don't-work" look neither I care about the deadlines. Gone are the days when I used to slog my ass for the entire night to solve a priority issue.

Here was my regular day at office 1 year before.

9 in the morning and I am at my desk! (Every neonate goes through it), spending maximum half an hour in checking mails and other crap. Like a newly honeymoon couple committed to sex, I then used to switch to the client port and get myself immersed in that coding and debugging stuff. Terms like "coffee breaks" or "going down for a walk" were yet to be invented in those days. After 3 hours of mental torture and struggle with that "you-need-a-genetically-cloned-brain-from-Newton-to-understand-me" technical stuff, I used to leave for lunch.

Overwhelmed with "I-have-to-be-honest-in-my-work-to-go-up-in-the-corporate-ladder" feeling, I used to finish my lunch within 45 minutes and used to come back to the desk again! For Next five hours (yes, without a single coffee break. And if sometimes I got that opportunity to go for a coffee with someone ,it was more like an incentive), the situation used to be no less than a battlefield, with the only soldier fighting with c++, Linux, Telecom, protocols and debugging the most critical issues that have no solution.(I mean, at least logically, no solution).

By the time I debug something and could even enjoy the satisfaction like a cat having eaten the mouse, It used to be 9 PM! (No, it was not a typical day, it alarmingly used to be EVERYDAY at my dear office.) I continued this schedule for almost 9-10 months, opening up myself to every single client and manager's mail which literally had the potential to rape me (Of course, mentally! :P. You guys never think sober, do you?) . And to be honest, this did not bring me anything apart from my manager's "You-are-still-not-there-buddy" opinion. He is obdurate in his determination to hate me. I made every attempt to show myself in better aspect but some people are immune to notice work. But then, as they say,"TIME CHANGED."

Now after 20 months, Here is what I do in my office :)

My phone rings, "where the hell are you Mani? you are again late!" and I jump out the bed and don't even dare to look at the watch (Because I very well know, it's either mid-day or ahead). Find a reason you idiot, I murmur to myself. Well, as my friends say, I am good at it! There are standard reasons to which no one can object and I have a list of them, which I use alternate day. (And yes, recycle them after some point in time!) The most effective one's include

1.MONDAY - "My aunt suddenly showed up, I had to go to pick her up at the airport" [If it's quarter past 11]

2.TUESDAY - I am not feeling well (Yes, you can be sick as many times as you want.) [if it's half past 11]

3.WEDNESDAY - Hussshhhh. My favorite day as my manager works from home!

4.THURSDAY - My roommate forgot to keep the key. (As we have only one key and he is careless, I have to wait for him until he comes back. I cannot leave the door open) works most of the times. (Usually when it's 12 PM. Yes, I do have my own key. Do you mind? :P). My rumie, the poor creature doesn't even know how much I use him.

5. FRIDAY- I got stuck in traffic. Well, no one can complain about it, everybody knows it's Bangalore. (Though very few people know the fact that I stay right beside my office, which is a 5-min walk from my apartment. But as long as my manager doesn't figure it out, who cares?). This is again when it's quarter past 11)

I switch the"day-reason" combination depending upon various situations and time availability and in rare cases, if I am in a good mood (or have nothing else to do on this Earth), I show up at 10 :)

Well, This is just an exercise before coming .What do you think I do after coming to office? Sample this.

We have a team meeting at quarter to 12, and If I am available, we spend next one hour in the cafeteria( Yes, My teammates, including team-lead are compatible with me in every aspect of this corporate time management. Sometimes I even think we did our graduation from the same collage. Thanks a ton to them for creating "we-don't-give-a-damn" milieu..). So by the time we finish our "coffee-cum-official(?)-meeting", it's lunch time..:)

My lunch now takes almost 2 hours (Which includes meandering around feminine creatures and discussing the most useless topics in the world). Real work starts at 3. Now if there are critical issues, I actually work..( Yes, experience of more than one year in the same field and struggle in those initial days have made me efficient enough to complete the work in half of the time, which, otherwise needed a full day attention.) Then dot at 6 PM, I close my shop (In this case, shut down my computer, no matter what)

Welcome to the corporate world. :D