Senseless nonsense!

I want to hug you tightly. A little aggressively, may be. A hug that tells you how much I need you. You might resist, not because of the fear, but because of the inexpressible  nervousness. I want to feel that sweet aroma of your body, that washed and then slightly dried hair of yours, those silky lips wearing light colored gloss, and those eyes! How madly I am in love with your eyes. They have all the expressions. Of need, of love, of helplessness, of fear and of lust, too. You are like my alcohol. Giving me temporary pleasure but killing me from inside, slowly and sweetly. I know it and still I want you in my life. For a moment, I want you to forget everything and be a part of me, mentally and physically. Yes, love, when reached to its madness, doesn't stop on heart. It needs everything, flesh, bones and blood.

How does it feel to lose someone you truly care about? How does it feel to see eventually your love turning into hatred? How does it feel when someone who is world to you, betrays you right in front of your eyes? How does it feel to turn into a person who cannot feel anything anymore?

All my hatred, all my frustration, all my sadness, all my love fail to give my expressions that understandable form of words. The more I try to go back to my normal life, the more senseless my writing becomes. Everything is hidden beneath a mask. Everyone is confused. Some do not know when to start and some do not know how to start . At time, life doesn't make sense. 

Changing Times.

My heart is drenched in blood. Still it’s not painful. I am yearning for pain, for love, for sting, for itch. My brain cells are buried under the weight of hurt caused by the unexpected. I finish my dinner unwillingly, drink water, wash my hands, wipe my lips and face with a napkin, fold it back and keep it on the table, clean the dishes, stand up and tiptoe to the roof. Standing on the edge of the height, I look down. Arrays of red and yellow lights are in quest to overtake each other. The life is all about overtaking or stumbling behind, I think. I lit a cigarette. It’s been 2 months I last touched it. But I need it today, desperately. I look at the time. It’s half past three. Sometimes you get so engrossed in something, you forget the existence of time. Why am I so left behind in the race when my intentions were honest and my love was pure? I think. May be because I did not get enough time to communicate? Or May be because someone else was already there occupying my place? Or maybe because distance does the trick? If I were with her all the time, would the things have been same? I don’t think so. The more you know about the person, the more you start liking him/her. Eventually, the good/the bad/the ugly/the rich/the poor, everything boils down to void. Yes, time is one ruthless bastard. It takes away the hardest of the pain, does things which we never think of. Unfortunately, I did not get the privilege of time. Someone else did. Sheer luck, as we call it. This entire dilemma has scattered away my self-confidence. My player image has somehow returning back to haunt me. All I did was to love someone. Honestly. Words never fail me to express. Then why is that I came to this stage? Girls are complicated creatures. No wonder it’s impossible to figure out what a woman wants. They behave two faced, securing all the options. When it comes to love matters, they are confused and cautious as always. A guy lacks rational thinking in love matters. He does what his heart says. 

A biker loudly honks horn on the road, bringing me back to the conscious stage. I cannot bear noise nowadays. Not a bit. Even slightest disturbance makes my brain cells tear apart. Sometimes, I literally hit my head against the wall, hoping to get rid of the severe headache. Yes, migraine is back as well. It took me so long to fight it. But it came back like Karma. “Too much stress and thinking”, doctor had warned. This is not what I deserve for being honest, I cry aloud. Unfortunately, there is no one to hear me. Who imagined my life would be like this all of a sudden? I have lost that charm. And for whom? And WHY? I honestly don’t know why! I have started hating girls. Stopped talking with everybody. Even my best friends. It’s funny how some experiences make your opinion so generalize. I love, I try to show, I then try to hide, I talk, I then go silent, I stare, I then don’t even look, I come out of it for some time, I then go much deeper. Ah! Love is a bitch.

I hear screeching sound of my heart and head. I am well aware of the result, but my yearning for pain suddenly swells. No. I am not a person who gives up things so easily. And pain? I have learned to laugh at it. I had seen worse. This phase shall pass.

My feet trembles, but my determination doesn't.

P.S. After pondering over for a long time, I have decided to come back to blogger! Thanks a lot guys for your inspiration and support. And more importantly, thanks for not leaving me and having faith in me :) 

Born Again. Resurrected !

The effect of those memories was too intense to get rid of. Sitting in the darkness, He remembered that day,Nov 18,2000. The day which changed his identity, the very nature of who he was.

He was in 8th standard, with 5'3" height, with no social awareness. He had a problem with his tongue. He used to stammer. Everybody around him used to make fun of him and he never cared because he had accepted the fact that he was good for nothing. There was only good thing about him. He was a class topper . They had a combined class of boys and girls. And on the very first day, he saw her ! She was the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. With a 5'7" height, slim figure and with a humanly unimaginable beauty, she was far above any boy's standard. She was so beautiful that he even scared to talk with her.  But to his surprise , on fine day, she came to him and the guy went crazy just by talking to her ! So as time passed ,they became friend ( at least the guy thought so!), but he never realized that she was befriends with him only to let him down in grades. He helped her in everything. 7 months passed. Gradually ,the boy thought he has this "love" feeling for her but he was not even the option she could ever think of.  But love was love (ahh..at that age anything we feel was love!). So one fine day, he proposed her. As he had a problem with his tongue, he wrote down everything in a letter and gave it to her. She read it but din say anything. She asked him to meet on the next day. Boy was happy and waiting for the next day,Nov 18, 2000. Next day,he went to school to meet her, to persuade her. She was with 10 other girls and the stupid boy din have any idea what was coming to him. He went in the class. The first thing she did was to slap him. He stood there ,not saying anything.Then it started.

The first question she asked was, " Have you ever seen your face in the mirror ?" You don't even come up-to my breast . Look at your height. And about this letter bullshit. If you have guts, do one thing, Just say the entire sentence without a pause that "I love you and I want to marry you". You say this in one attempt and I will marry you. The boy stood there. Silently. He had nothing much in life but whatever it was, it was destroyed that day. Yet he tried.

I love..love ..you.. and..and ..I ..and stopped. Everybody around her started laughing. Then for next 40 minutes, she and her friends humiliated the very existence of him. They even insulted his parents for giving birth to him. The boy stood there, weeping and listening to each and every word. Then he came home and for the first time in his life, he cried. He cried for his appearance, he cried for his inability to speak. He cried for every god damn thing that was responsible for his identity.  Finally he decided to end his life. But there was someone who was there for him. His mother stopped him. She understood something very bad has happened to him . She asked and the boy told her everything. His mother listened silently and then finally she spoke.

You are my son.  Don't let someone insult you like this. Do you wanna die the way your were born? Doing nothing? The way that people wont even spit on your body? If you really are my son then show me that you have the guts. Show me that you can make people fall in love with you. Show me that you can make your identity. Or die insulted. I wont stop you .

That was the day, Many things changed. The boy quit school and decided to take the exam from home. For next 17 months, he did everything that listed impossible in his directory. For next 17 months, he slept only for 2-3 hours, concentrating rest of the time to work on his height, tongue twisters and with only one purpose in mind, "I don't wanna die like this!". Doctors even warned that if he din get sleep, he can go mental. But the boy din care anymore. All he wanted was to be better.Each passing Day.

As time passed,

A damn introvert, having no friends and most useless creature on the earth gradually turned into a person who now has some identity.

A boy who was 5'3" and who used to stammer turned into a 5'10" and a chatterbox.

A boy who almost never laughed in first 16 years turned into an ever smiling guy and a source for others to laugh.

A hopeless romantic turned into a damn good flirt.

A guy who once struggled for having one good friend now have dozens of people loving and caring for him.

Things were impossible, two people made them possible.

3 years passed. When the right time came, the boy went to see her. She din recognize him at first, She said ," Do I know you?" .The boy smiled on his victory. He said, you know me very well, just try to remember. She stared at him for 5 minutes and then suddenly shouted, Oh My God..I cant believe it, Are you what I think you are?

The boy just smiled and said, nope I am changed a lot. Thank you for everything. He then left and never saw that girl again.

Happy Ending.!!

 P.S. A fiction? Comment are deleted because those were leading to misunderstanding !