When Things change..

There comes a point in your life from where things cannot get any worse. Accompanied cursed fate has changed many things in past two months. The effect was so severe that it isolated me from the world. It destroyed my sense of fear, worry, reality, relations, hopes and humor. The Only thing I did in past 15 days was thinking. Some people, I thought are the ones who will always give me a shoulder, were the first one who crushed me right under their feet, and some people whom I thought as "ready-to-dance-on-my -grave" were the ones who helped me in these critical situations. It's funny. It really is. The fact that I have to start everything from the scratch scares me. In one minute,I was secure and in next, insecure. Suddenly change has become enemy and I am trying to cling on to the past with dear life. I want to stop that moment when everything went wrong. But soon I realized past is drifting further and further away. Lying on bed, I feel like an idiot. My priorities have changed, my opinion about people has changed. But the storm inside is now settled. In one way, I have controlled my mind to think what I want to think. It is settled and the answers are now clear. I am still in the hope that sun will shine.

The Lost Mind

It has been more than 4 nights, I am wide awake. Eccentric changes in heinous relationships and the fact that life cannot be predicted, have changed something in me. I no longer feel a part of this world, where there is no value for honesty, trust, caring nature or relations. The only person you can rely on for solving brutal problems of life is "you". Attachment, wanting someone's shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to or dependency on anyone is nothing but your weaknesses. Only haplessly incompetent people need these things. Within 3 weeks, I have buried that ever smiling, cracking-stupid-joke-on-every-single-sentence, caring and helping Mani somewhere deep in my heart. He is no longer a part of me. I no longer feel attached to anyone. I don't know what happened. Many things happened to me all of a sudden and the effect was catastrophic. It destroyed the very existence of me. I don't know how much time will it take me to recover from this impasse.


All I want to do now is to be focused on my future. My desire to be perfect in my dreamed aspects has grown more stronger. Ever since I was born, life has never been fair to me. I struggled almost in every phase. Very few people know the struggle I did for my entire goddamn identity. But I never complained. I smashed the fate every-time it tried to let me down. But there has to be limit. I mean why me? This fact turned me into an agnostic 5 years before. I never believe in God. Because if he were there, he would have done something about me. But he never helps. May be God only helps the stronger. So damn it, one day, I will be. No matter how many times you let me down, I will come back. So dear god and all those "inspirational" people, WATCH ME !

GMAT : The End?..A New Beginning..

Many things have changed in last week. For some personal reasons, my family is going through a very flinty situation and I have decided to postpone the exam by 5 months. To be honest, this is not what I wanted. I was in extreme positive mood about taking the exam and resigning my job. But sometimes things change with a blink of an eye and you are forced to take some tough decisions. I am not demotivated. I just need to devote some time to my family. And considering some other situations, I have planned to take the exam in January. But this decision did not sway my attitude towards the exam neither I will stop studying. In fact, this dilemma has enlivened my desire to get an mba, at any cost.And I have got enough patience to wait for the right time. It's okay to lose a couple of battles, keep your eyes focused on the war! But one thing for sure,  you will never know how bad life can get. Even perfectly planned things descend into an anarchy. All you can do is to have faith in your abilities.I need to be focused for next 5 months. I know it's tough. But I am left with the only option. After all, this is not the end. It's just a new beginning.

My Life Partner!

Well, Since few days, I am getting this question every now and then. "Mani, what are your expectations from your life partner?" And all I can do is to stare at the questioner! I mean come on, I am just 22 and I have many things to accomplish in my life before I get into this love feeling. (Of course, hope so, it will be a love marriage!). It's not that I am a saint and I never flirted with girls. I did and I do! But deciding your life partner needs time. I mean much time. I have a poster of "suggestion for Success" hanging on my wall and the very first point is "Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery. Anyway, not getting into that "I-will-give-you-lectures-about-how-a-life-partner-should-be" mode, I will just jot down things that I expect from my life partner!

1. She should NOT be perfect. Well, yes, no one is perfect. But still there are certain creatures in this world who are close to perfect. I mean I have seen some girls who are gorgeous, talented, good in nature, passionate and what not! But so far I have observed that perfection goes hand in hand with the arrogance. I want someone who is down to earth. At least She should know the fact that she is not the only one in the world.

2. The most important condition, She should take care of my parents. I am the only son of my parents and considering "I-want-my-own-space" mentality of our young generation, I think I may need to search for a long time for a woman possessing this quality. I don't expect her to bow down before my parents and take care of them as if it's her duty. But at least she should give them the respect they deserve. And of course, same is equally applicable to me when it comes to her parents.

3. She should be at least 5'1"-5'2".

4. Though I am of the mentality to prefer nature over the looks, things need to be a bit practical. Of course, nature is the first thing I will look at, but yes, she should at least be noticeable, if not good looking.

After all, I will have to my life with her, and you know how guys are :)

5. She should be educated! I think it is very important to have that compatibility level with your fellow partner, otherwise practically, things become difficult. I am okay if she earns or doesn't earn. It really doesn't matter. Because deep inside I know I will earn enough amount so as not to let my family deprived of any facilities! So even if she earns, it's her choice whom to spend money on. I will not interfere with it!

6. I won't give a damn about her background or any bad thing related to her family. After all, she didn’t born in that particular family by her choice :) And it's the girl I want to marry, not her family.

7. I am not race-caste biased. My parents had love marriage. Though my mother has some personal reasons and she wants me to marry me a girl of our caste, I can persuade her! I am okay to marry a girl of different caste or religion. It is least of my worries. And if she loves me, I have enough guts to convince her parents about the same factor!

8. I don't mind if she drinks or smokes or is a non-veg eating girl  (My entire family excluding me is vegetarian. I had to learn to eat non-veg to survive in hostel and now in south India). But there should be a limit about drinking-smoking habits. I think these things do not necessarily decide a person's character. It's okay to do them in a moderate proportion.

9. She should be caring and romantic. At least honest in relationship. I don't give a damn about her previous life. Whether she had a boyfriend or not or anything for that matter. But once we are in a relationship, we should be loyal to each other.

10. I am enough broad minded to accept the fact that if she is working too, then she may not be able cook or may have to stay for long hours in the company or she may have friends or colleagues just like I do. These people might be in our lives before we will even meet each other. So cut the crap! She will have her liberty and own-space about these things :)

11. I prefer someone who is from my field. Though the lowest of all conditions. I think if partners are from the same educational background then it helps them to understand each other’s concerns in more relative ways.

12. I am okay if she is elder to me by 2-3 years. It doesn't matter. After all, we never know what will happen in next moment :) I want to be with her and not with her age

Well, as of now, this is it! I believe these are very simple and straightforward expectations, still I can compromise if situation demands it. (Sometimes even a single factor about the person is sufficient to spend the entire life with him/her!). It's been quite some time that I haven't posted anything on this blog. GMAT is on my nerves. 46 days to go. More on this later.

My mother was right, Hell is real

I didn't post anything in past 6 days (on the GMAT blog), and I hated it! I am devastated. Work load is increasing day by day and I am not able to cope up with maintaining both job and studies. But it's not really about work. I still come from office around 6 but the guilty part is, I don't study. My Exam is just 50 days away and I am losing my grasp. When I see my friends enjoying life, I feel like why I am the only one who has to lock himself at home for studies? Why can't I be careless and stop worrying about this bullshit thing? This feeling wasted my 3 days. I was out and partying like a wild animal. But then I realized that it's complete foolishness. It was I who decided to go for the exam. It was I who want to be something in my life. What we are doing for enjoyment now is just hallucination. Real enjoyment of life will last till the end if we build a solid base in earlier years. As they say, "it always tastes bitter before sweet"! Well, I regret what I did this week, but it's better late than never. Now I am back, rocking and kicking. I have revised my timetable so as to compensate the lost time. Hopefully I will do it. It's very important to stay motivated. When feel frustrated, I picture a Top B-school, my first day, that environment and of course! my first 6 digit pay check. That everything brings me back to my schedule. What the heck, if these 50 days will decide my lifetime then I would like to screw my parties, my friends and everything for that matter. Let’s get back to real enjoyment! When you feel like giving up, think of all the reason why you held it for so long, Do or Die is the old saying, "Do before you Die" is the new one. Hold on GMAT, Mani is back !

My Friends,My Life.. :)

How many people are there with whom you can share the deepest secret knowing that it will remain a secret? That if the entire world refuse to stay with you, they will always be there behind you? That they can do anything just to make you smile? That they can travel all across the way just to "see" you at once? that you can call them not caring what time of the night it is, just to say "I am missing you"? In short how many friends you have as your "BEST" friends? 1?2?4? Well, I am blessed in this case, I have at least 12 such friends who are an integral part of my life. Who made my life. Who were/are/will be there with me through thick and thin. Who believed in me. Who always stood behind me. They are the people I own for a lifetime. Here are the people I love more than my life.

Not to make this list contentious, I will list them alphabetically :)

1. Akanksha - This girl came in my life one and half years before, but man! It feels like she is there with me since my childhood. An ever smiling gal,a chatter box. She knows almost everything about my life. The best thing about her is I can fool her anytime and she doesn't mind! She always believed in my capabilities and assured me that I am destined to do greater things in my life. She can talk for hours, and the best part is you don't get bored with that :) God bless u my buddy..Tu duuu duuunn !!

2. Angha - She is with me since my collage days, but we came closer few years before. If she is there,I don't need anyone else. She can tolerate my balderdash for hours,and still can say, "I love it when you talk!" This is the only case I am into a role of a chatter. She is a no-nonsense girl and I am still investigating if she has any of those "girls" qualities. She hate shopping, for example. She doesn't like chocolates. And she may not talk unless asked to! And yes,she came traveling 1000 kms just because I said "I am feeling lonely!!" Crazy?? You bet she is!

3. Ashish - This guy is an equal mixture of coolness and sentiments and a damn good cook. He was my collage roommate, now working in Delhi and god, I miss him. I miss all those parties, all that struggle for money to have two bottles of beer. Sharing only a cigarette among three friends, those forest night-outs, those long night talks, those sharing of secrets. I miss you buddy. :) Saale "garib" ! :P

4. Alex - He is destined to rule the world. I spent few months with him, but he always will be an icon for me. At the age of 22, he had every plan about how to make money, and opened his own company. He always has a bigger picture on his mind and he can beat anyone when it comes to applying profit making fundamentals. Sheer talent!

5. Diya - She is a beauty queen!  And yet manages to go with no ego or arrogance. A damn romantic and jolly person I have ever met. And yes, she is flirty too :P When I took critical decisions of my life, she was the one who guided me. She taught me how to struggle for a dream and make it a reality. She is forthright and is never afraid to speak her mind. I mean it's rare to see a girl with both "beauty and brain" (no offense!). I call her at any possible weird timings but she never complains. All she says is "Hey sweetie,are you okay?" :D 

6. Mahim - She is two years elder to me, but I bet she looks at least 10 years younger! There are countless poor creatures who had proposed her, but bad luck! When I hang out with her, almost everyone on the street stares at us wondering what good deeds this boy had done in the past to be with her. And mind you, if you even dare to go out with her, you should be extremely conscious about how you look. She made me go home from a party just because I was wearing a pair of jeans for the third time in a row :) . She is very organized and one mistake can make you suffer at least for a "3-hour-lecture" :P

7. Nisha - We came closer through our MBA coaching classes. And whoever said girls are not good in mathematics or technical, was a liar! She alone is sufficient to beat 10 techies like me. She is a career oriented person and have a clear idea about what she is doing or why she is doing. A party animal, always ready for hangouts (at least with me :)). If I feel lonely, all I have to do is to call her or to meet her! We meet, we talk on phone and then again we come online for a talk! It never feels enough to be with her. Now she is in IIM-A, but she never misses calling me once in a day.

8. Vaiju - This guy is more like a brother to me than a friend. A crazy, wild, careless, not-afraid-to-do-anything kinda guy. He is the one who can do anything (yes,anything) for me. He was there with me almost in every phase of my life. And yes, he abandoned his girlfriend just because she dint like me and asked him to choose either of us. If he or I were gay,we would have made a very nice couple :). He knows in and out of me and can go beyond the normal boundaries to make me smile. Love you buddy. :)

9. Rachana - She is the only person who can tell you what is going on my mind. No matter how good I am in convincing people, I cannot play words with her and I hate that fact. Even before I talk, she can predict what will I say and in what mood I am. Gosh! Sometimes I am so afraid of her that I literally keep my mouth shut and just perform role of a good listener. I guess she knows about me more than my mother, or more than any other person on the earth.

10. Sunny - He is with me since my school days. A very down to earth person and my best mate. He is so in our family that sometimes my parents don't even miss me if he is there. He helps them in everything and I always think that he is a part of my family. A very honest and loving creature!

11. Sumit - He also was my roommate in engineering. He taught me how to take everything in life in a positive manner. In 4 years,I haven't seen him depressed even for a single day! The "best-sportsman-of-the-year" award winner for 3 consecutive years, this guy knows how to live a life! It's very hard to find what is going on his mind and damn, he is handsome! With 6 ft height and an athlete built, any girl can fall prey to him. He is the person I talk when I am depressed.

12. Sweetu ( shiksha) -10 PM and I have to be online. No matter what! Even a difference of 5 minutes here and there brings down her to "I-don't-wanna-talk-with-you-EVER" mood. In her case, distance never really mattered to me. We spend endless hours chatting together and though through chatting, we are in damn good relationship. She is easy to go out with, a very innocent and uncomplicated person.

Thanks guys for being with me.you are the first 12 people I never wanna lose in my journey of life. Cheers!

A Girl's Psychology :)

1. Gossip isn't a sin. It's an art!

2. They don't wake up looking pretty. It takes time and effort. For most of them.

3. They win the argument. Period.

4. They love Ben and Jerry's more than "you"

5. They are not ashamed of crying

6. They must go to the restrooms in groups

7. Behind every Bitch, there is a guy who made her that way

8. They love their best friends more than their boyfriends

9. No matter how does a girl look or how rude or selfish she is, she has a boyfriend

10. They should be treated equally with boys when it comes to receiving pay checks but when it comes to "work", they must be treated like a "girl"

11. They have this thing called feeling. Don't hurt them!

12. They look good, no matter what they wear

13. Love may be their first choice, but money and security factor also give a tough competition. 

14. Their eyes are located in their heads, not on their chest or ass . So when you are not looking in their eyes, THEY KNOW.

15. They look cute when they argue.

16. Never ever ask a girl what she weighs or how old  is she, just don't do it.

17. They can understand your intentions just by the way you touch them. 

18. No matter how close you are to them, they can easily neglect you or can completely forget about you, if they want.

19. Their heels may look hot, but they hurt like crap.

20. They hold grudges and they never forget  things you say to them that hurt.

21. No guy wants to marry a whore. Well, no good girl wants to marry a pimp either. 

22. It is funny the way they hit you and expect it to hurt!

23. The only thing you can do when a girl cries is to be there, not uttering a single word.

Believe me, you saying anything will make it only worse.

24. Boys should never use girls as an object. Girls get scattered. But vice versa is not true or not necessary or not worthy to mention!

25. If you take their chocolates, they will get ugly.

26. They aren't all blond bimbos. So stop treating them like one.

27. They always fish for compliments!

28. When you have a girl in your life, things organize themselves. You will no longer be a dirty-messy-with no-dressing-sense-bachelor.

29. They are unpredictable. The best way to deal with them is simply not to expect anything.

30. When they say, "let’s not fight anymore", all you have to do is wait for a day or two!

The ocean of emotions.

Today is his birthday. I dialed the same number again and again and then allowed it to let go after realizing the fact that it does not exist anymore. He left for his heavenly abode two years before. The day, May 8,2008, is the one I will never forget. Sagar came to my house, fully drunk. He had lost the only person he loved more than his life. He had crossed all the possible boundaries  for that one person. But Like all other girls, she was selfish. And I have no regrets or offense to say this now, because I have seen one of my best friends die for nothing. They met. Fell in love. He proposed. She accepted. Vows of togetherness were taken.  But today, he realized how sunken the promises were. She had decided to get married to an NRI guy her parents had chosen. When a girl has  an option between a lucrative future with a guy of her caste and someone whom she loves, most of the times, she goes for the former choice. It’s beauty of being a girl that you can easily neglect someone with whom you are in love for 3-4 years. She was no exception. But he couldn't bear that shock. When he came to me, he was scattered into pieces, crying like a kid who might have lost its loveliest thing. We were together for next three hours. I tried every way to console him, but I failed to realize what is coming next. If only I knew he would do such a thing, I could have made any attempt to stop him from doing. But alas. Though I knew how much this fact had shattered him, I believed it is more of his drink showing such extreme emotions. I was wrong. After lecturing him for three hours, I asked him to go to home and to have some sleep, oblivious that this is the last time I am talking to him. He committed suicide on that very evil night, on his birthday. I was his best friend and perhaps the only friend who knew every deepest secret of his life. How could I not see what was on his mind? I will never be able to forget it and forgive myself for that reason. I am sorry buddy. I could have saved you. You really deserved more than that shameless and selfish creature. I miss you. I really do. Wish you many happy returns of the day Sagar. May your soul rest in peace.