"Out of Mind" Reply!

I am currently out of my mind. But you may leave a message!

Regards,

A Careless Blogger with a fucked up life!

Rape of a poor language ;)

Few people are bad with grammar and languages. But raping it to the core is a different thing altogether. My higher authorities, for example, speak like a random word generator software. It’s like they know the words necessary to complete the sentence but they just put them in any order, irritating readers/listeners to the extent that we literally scratch our hair. As these people are born entrepreneurs, they refuse to abide by the grammar rules and instead, create their own “raped” version of a sentence. Here are some golden sentences from my friends and some other people.

   If you want(have?) any issues, mail me.

   Why the heck I want to do that?

   You are confusion.

   Asshole, say this to your child. I am not confusion. I have a confusion.

   Please be on top of this issue.

   Thank God, you are courteous enough not to mention the position!

   I am having a bad headache today

   Yeah, as If I get a good one

   This issue is very erotic no?

    Sir, you speak like this in front of the people whose first language is English. And then you complain why aren't we getting enough business from these clients. It’s erratic , you hole.

   (To a Girl) – You will work down with Manoj!

   No wonder I didn't see that girl again.

   I am taking my “wife’s back” to  a doctor

   Haha, lets just hope buddy. You get the point. Don’t you?

   I am taking leave for 2 weeks. So you can expect my absence in that duration

   How hard was that to guess, huh?

   You did it tomorrow, no?

    I just can't take it when people append a "no" to every sentence they speak. And Nope, I will do it yesterday!

   I will brief you "in detail" about this topic today

   Thank you sir, thank you very much. Only Rajnikant or you can do it.

   Would you like to “cum” with me? Ping me.

   No thanks, I would rather “cum” alone :P

  

An unconventional valentine Story

This is the first time I felt it worthwhile to post someone's article on my blog. A must read :)

Splash story winners…

This story won the third prize. But it simply deserves the first place. Truly amazing.

Do take sum time to read it. An unconventional valentine story…

Third Place - Prathama Plakkatt

Valentine’s Day is not just for the young or for lovers. It’s the day we celebrate love with person whom we love most and whom we want in our life forever! This fictitious story is about one such person.

Prakriti, as I am called, was born to a single mother but it was when I grew up that I realized the stigma attached to it. So we both went far away from the people who knew us and whom we knew to started life anew, me as student and mom as a teacher. As time flew by, I had become a successful pediatrician, on the way, achieving a state and university ranks and many accolades!

One day as I was at work, I got a call from mom asking me if I can come home a bit early than usual. I felt something amiss as mom never called me during work hours. I immediately applied for an emergency leave and left for home.

The moment I saw her, I rushed to her and hugged her. I felt her softness – she was so soft, her skin full of wrinkles and her warmth had unlimited love – love that you can receive from no other than a mother! I wanted her hug for a long long time, I never wanted her to take her hands off me, but then she pulled me back and took me to her room. In all these years that I was striving for my achievement I had never once gone into her room. But after all these years, I felt like I was entering a museum – that had every single memory, every single achievement, the simplest of the simple beauties of my life!

My mom opened a small box and placed it in front of me and asked me to open it. I thought she had brought some jewellery but to my surprise it was something extraordinary, something precious, something even money can’t buy! She had collected all the things, the tiniest of the tiniest things that I had thrown away – there were hair pins, ribbons, small buttons of my dress, toys, clips, the friendship band that I had got from my friends, greeting cards, the dresses that had torn and I had asked them to use it as spare cloth, rubber bands, the flowers that I had thrown away after cultural programs, the pens, pencils, crayons, painting box and brushes, dissection instruments, nose rings, bangles, earings, bracelets, the letters that I had written to her when I was away from her and even one of my tooth that had fallen – the list is endless. It was a box filled with memories, a box more precious that anything else in this world. She told me how she would look into that each night before sleeping so that she felt closer to her daughter. My eyes moistened on seeing that, I could not speak, I had done an unrepairable wound in my mother’s heart, but she never once complained, even now when she opened the box! I regretted – regretted for not caring for my mom, for my own selfishness, for my own happiness that I had got by suppressing my mom’s wishes and most of all not giving her my TIME – something that will never ever come back.

After a long silence she asked me “Can you be my valentine?” I was speechless! I checked the date – it was 14th February. All through my growing years I had celebrated this day with friends, enjoyed a lot, I had got many gifts too but never once had I thought that my mom could become my Valentine! How wrong I was!

As my eyes filled with tears, mom’s face blurred. I realized what true meaning of Valentine was. All I could say was a simple “YES!” - And it was forever the best Valentine’s Day for me – for life!

The Corporate Creatures! ;)

 “I-know-how-to-use-my-charm" girls
These girls are usually blessed with an angelic/pretty face and a perfect body. They define the word "beauty". And the worst part is, they know what they are and how to use their charm. They don’t really need to struggle in order to get the work done. Be it a coding assignment, which they pass on to their colleagues by saying “DEAR,(yes, this much is sufficient for a guy) could you do it for me, please?” or a leave application to be approved my their managers. They spend half of their office time over phone or talking nonsense (or in washrooms, for that matter!) and still manage to get the best rating by their mere charm. Everyone in the team including married bastards try hard to hit on them and these girls don’t mind. For it serves their purpose too to have a licking puppy. These girls usually neglect people who have no commanding position in the project and chess after people like team leaders or managers who are responsible for hike in the paycheck. They are pain-in-the-ass for people who slog almost 10 hours a day in office and still get no credit, because higher authority prefers to scan these girls’ inner-wears rather than checking other's sucking line of codes. 

“Mustache-girls-with-sucky-dressing-sense”

Honey, I agree God has not given you a cute face or a nice body. May be he was in depression while creating you! But least you can do on your part is to make yourself presentable. I mean, you get the paycheck every month. Ever given it a thought to buy something useful? Umm. How about a razor? And sensible girls do not wear sport shoes on a salwar kameez, a dark lipstick on already dark face, slippers on sari. So on and so forth!

“committed-to-work-girl”
A rare type, indeed, when it comes to GIRLS. (Feel offended? Drag me to the court!). These girls either have no personal life, or don’t know how to use their charm or simply don’t prefer to use it or are carrier oriented. They may be good looking, but in most of the cases, they are not. So they bypass the trouble of people hitting on them and make sure they utilize their office time well, in learning the actual work. They don’t have to butter every other lusty bastard in the project to get their promotion. They don’t bitch about other people, or even about bitches. They fight alone and their work says it all.  

“Girls-with-no-knowledge-but-good-presentation-skills”

    They know what to ask and when to ask. By using this dangerous weapon called "word", they create such an impression that people actually think these girls are master resource of the project. Well, the truth is, if you observe it keenly, they have a repeated pattern of when to nod, when to say yes, when to raise a doubt. They are masters when it comes to using perfect timing and situations. In actuality, they don't even have a slightest idea about the work and they tremble when you press things a bit deeper. Marketing genius, I call them! Who gives a fuck about what work they do as long as they know how to allude senior authority with their presentation skills? 


 “Good-for-nothing" girls

    Take negative points from all above points and combine them into one loser. You will get your "good-for-nothing" girls. They have the most depressing face on the earth, hairy hands/mustache, no knowledge, no charm, no dressing sense, no social manners, inferiority complex and no presentation skills. They still survive in the industry. Phew, hats off. Being a girl helps sometimes, huh?


 Decent girls

    They come to office only to work and nothing else. Well mannered and quite knowledgeable. It really doesn't matter whether they are good looking or not, have a nice dressing sense or not. All that matters is they are good at heart and are always willing to share other's responsibility. They are dedicated to work and yet know how to enjoy life. They never behave like a bitch even when they don't get promoted or credit of work. Instead, they try to work hard next time. They can be your good office friends, a resting shoulder in your hour of needs. They mind their own business. They come to office, work, go home. As simple as that. Respect for such girls.


 A Perfect corporate beauty

   These girls are very good at what they do. They are gifted with stunning beauty and are knowledgeable too. They don't need to use their gifted beauty for getting the hikes. Instead, they let their performance do all the talk. Nonetheless, they posses the killer ability to sugar quote their work with advertising. If performance fails, they still know how to get the promotion by using other things. But at least they define their standards and don't let every tom-dick-harry cross their path. 
  
The nagging bastards

   These assholes are never happy with what they get. Be it a promotion or a project or something else. They just send a wave of frustration among their colleagues and are looked down upon. They are responsible for all the negative energy in the team. They always fart frustration. No matter what the situation is, they lose!

"I-know-it-all" boys”

   These creatures consider themselves the pinnacle of the company. Ask them anything and they will have an answer. (Not necessarily the right answer!). They never skip a chance to boast about their achievements. These guys usually suck at building rapport with other people due to this egoistic/flamboyant nature and end up scoring lowest, be it in promotion or impressing girls.

    
 The "cool" dudes
  These guys know how to impress higher authority despite being a guy! They have knowledge, good convincing skills, know how to advertise their work when necessary and have a good impression on girls. People don't usually utter bad things about them, even behind their back. They go well along with any kind of people and are good at heart



 Lusty fuckers

   These guys have an inbuilt scanner in their eyes. They scan each and every girl from top to bottom and usually find something good in ANY girl (of course, only physically). They don't really bother or complain about their type of work but yes, put them in a project where there are no girls and they develop suicidal tendencies.


    So which category do you fall in? ;)


    P.S. I am back! For those who thought I will commit suicide after what they have done to me, well, not so easy suckers! Now it's revenge time.
   P.S.1 There is something terribly wrong with the indentation. I can't figure out why. (Yes, I am an IT engineer!) :P

A screaming heart

Dear Blog,


It's been quite sometime I didn't visit you. Trust me, this is not what I ever wanted. You are a part of me that cannot be separated. No one is able to figure out what is wrong. Well, to some extend I know. People say I am a fighter. Screw the people. I once was. There is no fighting back when fate decides to fuck you. I still try. I have always tried. Friends wonder about my drastically changing nature. They say I am no longer charming, I have lost it ! They say I seem depressed. They complain I never tell anyone what is wrong in my life. They are right. I like to keep things to myself. The incidences in early childhood have made me that way. I trust only myself. I don't like anyone's sympathy or advises. Life has never been fair to me. Did I ever complain? At least I don't remember cribbing about my problems. I stand upright and I face them. I always did. 


Till date, no body has ever been able to figure out the intensity of pain behind this ever smiling face. But I guess you know it all, don't you? Remember our first encounter when I was 10 years old? You were a diary then. Remember the things I went through? Those insults, tortures? infinite sleepless nights? That inability to find a single person to talk to? These things are locked somewhere in your pages. It took me years to be what I am today. You know that everything was next to impossible. Did I ever give up? People say I am a role model for them. They say they want to be like me. Do I consider this as my achievement? Why don't I feel happy about it anymore? Only you and I know what had happened in past one month. Tell me, did I ever do something wrong to anybody? Did I hurt anybody in my life? You know I am a good person. I know I have dozens of friends who are there for me. So why is that my life keeps fucking me every now and then? Why am I having problems in every aspect of life? Am I turning into a beast and a loner? I need to get out of this. The fucking fate/luck can't write my life the way it wants. I won't let it do it. I am working on things. One at a time. I know it will take time. But you have to keep your faith in me. I have to keep faith in myself. I won't let my life go back to the time when it was nothing. I am a born bellicose. Trust me, Mani will be back. Rocking and Kicking.


Dear Followers/Readers/Friends,


I am glad to see that you are still there with me. It means a lot. A strong bond I share with you guys which cannot be expressed in words. I don't get time even to visit you people, to see what is happening in your life, but you still understand me. Thanks for being there. Just hang on a little longer, I will be back with my stupid comedy articles ! :)

Sex and The Mentality !

/***Disclaimer : This post is not meant to offend anyone's views. And I am NOT provoking sex here. I am just trying to explain my views. Respect to the people who think otherwise! ***/


"What exactly do they do in blue films?" one teenager asked another. I was sitting at some local tea stall and this group of 5 boys was having a conversation about what sex is all about.
I was surprised as they were very young (not more than 15 years). 15 years? I mean come on! Till my early 20s, I firmly used to  believe that only kissing makes someone pregnant and masturbating leads to AIDS. Generation gap it is, I think. "Dude, you are such a dumb! They do all the positions in blue films. I am even working on my stamina. You need to hold at least for 20-30 mins!"  The confidence in his voice made me feel sad. Not the stamina part, but the way by which they were trying to understand this sex thing.


Sex is something we (specially Indian)people avoid to discuss. Since decades, our so called priests, sages, pandits and other religious people have created so much hype about topics like presence of god, love, bramhacharya etc and on the other hand, same people have succeeded poisoning the very core of this feeling. This antagonism of religion against sex drives me crazy. Aren't they sides of the same coin? Sex is one of the irresistible feelings God have given to mankind (or every animal on planet, for that matter). So if sex is dirty, doesn't that mean the God you believe in is also dirty?


We are curious creatures by nature and our mind mostly gets attracted to the things we are forbidden to think of. Parents don't discuss sex talk with their children. No wonder we grow up having this thing all the time on our minds. Thanks to the society and it's decades old rules! You don't give sex education, youth will learn it anyway. So rather than they learning it from dirty books/magazines/porn sites, isn't it better to give them a crystal clear idea of what it is all about? 
Even after so much modernization of our society, people still hesitate to go to the chemist and buy a condom. If somebody does try, people around(sometimes even the chemist himself!) give him a look as if he has committed a serious crime and should be punishable by death!


Fortunately, I have had people in my family who taught me the essence of this eternal feeling. I have read more than n number of books to understand it. Right from the origin to methods and views of people about it. And trust me, to understand the sex is a complicated procedure. When girls see me talking/having books about it in my shelf, they are like "YUK!" you discuss/read THAT? and when boys find it out, normally their question is, "Please tell me how to do it better?(As if I am a sex-guru! :( ) You have an encyclopedia with you". Both opinions I find pretty irritating.

I laugh on people when they say sex is dirty, animalistic, different than love or when they just cut the topic in the middle of a discussion, avoiding it altogether.

So let me clear these things for you!

1.Isn't sex animalistic?

YES. It is. But aren't you forgetting something honey? Man IS an animal. As much of an animal as any other animal. But that doesn't  mean man finishes with animality here. He can be far more than animal and far less than animal. That is the glory of being human. Our infinite potentiality gives us the freedom and the danger, the agony and the ecstasy, the longing and the suppression. It is as simple as that. we get to choose ! Since the origin of mankind, man has killed infinite number of same/other species through war, murder and what not. And you call sex animalistic? Animals have never been more animalistic than man. Sex can be animalistic, but it can also raise to higher level. It can become love or divine prayers. It all depends on you. Sex is nothing like a fixed entity, it's just a possibility. You can make it the way you want ! Period.

2. sex is YUK. sex is dirty!/ I hate sex/I can represses my desires.

Slap hard on the face of whosoever says this to you!(except the elder ones, of course! Respect). Neither love is the first stage of a feeling nor sex is the last! They both go hand in hand to achieve the ultimate. But again, thanks to the religious people who have poisoned all mankind with their gyan! And this is going on since decades and has become a part of our mentality. Do you even know the origin why it all started? I do. I am someone who believes only in facts and evidences. But every-time I try to open my mouth, somebody shuts me down. Hating it is simply repressing it. Don't you know that whatsoever is repressed will come up the one way or other? The other ways lead to anger, guilt, agony, hate, unstable mind, which, when combined together, create a disaster. Ever wondered why do people rape or murder someone? Or why teenagers are so much desperate to get into a sex relationship? The origin lies somewhere in your repression. Remember, sex is natural. Don't even try to find out a substitute for it. Substitutes don't help, they CANT help! Also, sex is mortal, Religion is doing what you have been told, no matter what is right. Mortality is doing right things, no matter what you have been told.

Be natural if you want to go beyond nature, be rooted in your body if you want to become a soul, be rooted in sex if you want to become a lover! Yes, the more energy is converted into love, less and less interested you will become in sex, but you will then not hate it.

Understand why the process was created in the first place. Understand why not to overdo it, understand the motive of sex being irresistible, understand why it is a divine feeling and where it can lead you to. Understand why our society is not willing to give up it's conventional thinking. Understand why religious people have poisoned the mentality of people about sex. Most importantly, understand that sex is not the problem, lust is. When you put all these pieces together, may be my pravachan will make sense to you!


P.S. So much from a guy who have not had sex yet ! :P :D


P.S.1 - Ahh..Could somebody please give me pointers to how to add "you may also like" links below the posts? I am too lazy to dig it out from blogger. Thanks in advance

Pain-in-the-ass-habits !

Habits describe human nature. Don't they? But nowadays, mine are such a pain in the ass. I don't know what is wrong, but past two weeks, few things have turned into a weird routine. Mind you, what you are about to read are just two weeks older! But bitches are getting consistent each passing day.


1. It's getting colder here day after day. I usually take bath with cold water. Nowadays, after entering the bathroom, all I do is stare at that icy water, wondering what to do with it. How am I supposed to take bath with that icy bitch? So I just stare for 5 mins and all of a sudden I take that bucket full of water on my body. Sigh! No wonder I feel sick. 
P.S. I do have a geyser in my bathroom. Am I dumb?


2. Every night I swear to God that I will keep my door key in place. I never do. It specially irritates me to the core. Because I am obsessed with this organization thingy. In my room, you won't find a thing moved an inch away from its place. But when it comes to the door key, I get screwed. Now missing the office bus or running after it is a part of my life. I get up exactly half an hour before arrival of the bus and I spend at least 10 mins searching for this damn key ! I mean how hard is to get a key-chain or place the key on the table?


3. I spill milk almost everyday. To break this routine, I used to stand in front of gas like an idiot, hoping to cut off the ignition at the boiling point. 5-10 mins and nothing happens. Then I suddenly feel this urge to listen to music. So I go to bedroom, switch on my laptop and by the time I return, bang ! it's all gone. Bastard is playing with me huh?


4. I sleep chanting , "I am the master of my own bladder" The simple reason is, if I wake up to pee in the middle of night, I can't sleep afterwards. So I make sure that I drink plenty of water, pee and then sleep. And fuck! After few hours, I again wake up to pee! The more I try to not think about it, the more intense it becomes. Winter effects or bloody moody penis of mine?


5. I stare at people for no reason. Actually I have this tendency to stare at someone when I am lost in my thoughts. But nowadays, every-time I stare at someone, it happens to be a beautiful girl. No wonder I get "Mind-your-own-business-you-creep, never-saw-a-girl-before? You-horny-bastard" look. :(


6. I switch on alarm clock in my phone. I sleep for 15 mins and then convince myself that it's not on. Furious, I wake up again. Stare at it. See it is on. In frustration, turn it off and then on again. Then sleep. I still don't realize it's on for 7.30 PM and not AM. I have been doing this since 4 days now. Even apes are smarter than me !




Is the world really coming to end? Somebody save me :(

Ugh. I don't want to get married !!

Today I was looking at my blog stats which are now constantly showing a remarkable improvement. I never really cared about people viewing/not viewing my posts because I write for myself, most of the times. But alas, this bloody human nature always seeks appreciation. Though it always makes me wonder why the number of people reading my blog is never proportional to those commenting or following. I mean guys, your one extra little step to comment/feedback/(or even insult, though less preferable) makes my day and helps me improve my writing. (Of course, If my articles make sense to you, which, I assure you will be a very rare case!)


Anyway, coming back to the post. My parents and I were having serious (of course, one sided) discussion about the marriage thing. I don't understand. My parents always think I am too childish and I always behave like a kid. On the other hand, how can the same people insist me to get married every now and then. The discussion went something like this


(Scenario - Phone on speaker mode. Big deal?  I will prefer running naked on the road than talking to both my mom and dad at the same time ! And I mean it. (provided I am allowed to cover the most important body part))


Mother - So? Have you thought about your marriage?
Me : (Damn Maa, why are you so straight forward? At least don't jump to the topic right away!) -Oh please. For God's sake, I am just 24.
(And the adviser enters!) Father : I was 21 when I got married. We still live a happy life. What is wrong about it?
Me : (Oh yeah. Just because you found your pretty lady so soon. I am not that lucky)  Things were different back then ! I need to get settled first. Financially.
Father: Yeah. Talk about financial stability. Your father has enough money to let you live life of a king size. Why don't you quit that bullshit job and join me? Even I pay my people more than what you get.
Me : (Right. Whatsoever happened to "I-Want-To-Establish-My-Own, Sucking-Poor-But-OWN-Identity" concept? )(Almost shouting) Look at the petrol prizes.
Father : (Surprised)- What the hell it has to do with you? You don't even own a bike/car. You said you don't need one as of now.
Me : (Feeling like a jack-ass now) - But girls prefer guys that have a stable future (And of course, much more. But I should only talk about the things that I am capable of)
Mother - Look, I have only one son. And I want to see him get married before I die.
Me : (Now, where the heck this came from? Emotional blackmailing..I so hate it !) -There is no guarantee of life.  Even I can die before you (After-all I am your son, So I also know a bit of "How-to-return-tortures" ;))
Father : Are you dating someone? You can tell us. At least we can then stop searching girls for you. We are getting a lot of proposals from our community.
Me : (Now this is the couple that had an ..may I quote it.."inter-caste" love marriage when there were so many restrictions in the society. Still he takes care to say, "from our community". Really?  What makes you think I will marry a girl of our caste only? I could have ended this topic by saying "yes" but again, that would have led to an infinite series of questions that they don't even care about in reality, such as, "Who is she?" , "How does she look?" " Is she of our caste?", etc., so decided otherwise.) - No. I am not dating anyone. But you can still stop searching for me.
Mother : You know about %$%^ right? He is having a fat paycheck but now he has crossed age 30. No one is willing to make an alliance with him. Just don't cry once your young age is passed.
Me : (Okay. Think of it logically. He is 7 years older to me..7 fucking years. And No one is willing to make an alliance with him  because %$%^ is not only ugly but also rude and arrogant and has tons of dirty habits. Din't anyone tell you that?) - Don't worry. I will manage.
Mother : Also, You are getting bald. Aren't you? Where is your hair? I din see it last time you came home.
Me : (:Bangs his head: )I am not getting bald. I cut my hair. There is a hell of difference between these two. You had problems when I grew it up to my shoulders. Now you have problems when I keep it short. And a Girl is not going to marry me because of my hair anyways. (Just an assumption ;))
Mother : Fine. So tell us how much time you need? It takes almost a year to search for the right girl, knowing her background and all preparation stuff. Would you be interested in looking at some of the photos?
Me : (Yeah, send all of them to me along with mobile numbers :P I will then decide what to do with them ;)) -
At least 3 more years. Period. 
(After a long long pause!) Mother: This guy is impossible. (To father) You tell him.
Father : Look beta.. (And the Gyan Begins!) $@##%$^%&*^*^*#$%...
Me : (Puts the phone aside, washes his face, combs his "bald" headed hair, eats an apple and comes back) - Yes paa. I get it. I will think over it. Happy? Now please, I have a call to attend.
Father : You always avoid the topic. Don't tell me you are not interested in girls. I get that a lot now-a-days. Big city culture. 
Me: (Dumbstruck! Thinking: There was a time when even uttering the word "sex" in front of your parents could cause them a heart attack. And now the same parents are raising concerns about their son getting into a homosexual relationship. Either Indian culture is getting out if it's traditional thinking or my father has lost it. Don't worry Paa, Law 377 has not provoked me . But let's see how you can take it!)
Me : Hmm.. Not sure :P
(I din imagine that little sentence of mine could cause disaster. Within 2 mins , my mother cursed every known guy friend of mine. If she had the authority, she might have even deported them to US, the country she believes that started this trend of homosexuality, thereby reducing human species, and in turn, the number of girls her son has a shot with! But who will dare to tell her that it all started decades ago and that too in her holy India)
Me : oh stop it ! I was just kidding. I swear on you. I am straight !
Father : (still suspicious) - So why don't you want to take this marriage thing seriously?
Me : (Bite me) - I said I will think about it.
Mother : (Not willing to give up this time) - WHEN?
Me : When I get my hair back :D (Hangs up abruptly, looking in mirror and silently praying his hair to grow as slowly as possible ;))