Top 10 Funny/Irritating Facebook status !

1. I am going Home - Seriously? And you really think people care?

2. Just took a shower - Dude, are you freaking kidding me? I hope you at least put on the clothes or did you directly come in front of your laptop to update status?

3. Feeling Hungry - Then go and eat, you dumb-ass. How hard is that? and why the heck the world needs to know about it anyway?

4. She broke my heart ,she is a bitch - I am glad she did. People like you who don't understand the word "privacy"  deserve to be kicked. And even if she had feelings for you, now after reading your status, rest assured, she is never gonna come back !

5. Reached Karnataka border, 120 km away from home- Well.. No comments !

6. Watching XYZ movie with my GF , it's awesome - How on the earth your GF din mind to come with an attention seeker like you? You idiot, if you keep us updating like this(not that we care!), probably this is the last movie you will ever watch with your GF.

7. I am in a sad mood - Tell me, what do you expect from us? Dance for you? 

8. Yippe, got a new laptop/mobile/bike - Buy one for us as well and we will think about liking your status or commenting on it :P

9. Feeling sleepy - Asshole and you still have time to update people about it. Just go and sleep. We don't care whether you are feeling sleepy or dead !

10. I will now have breakfast at 8 - For this one, I was literally banging my head against the wall for 10 mins. I mean come on ! Thank god you din feel it worthy to share your bowel movements !

Midnight

He sat there alone, in the corner of a dark room. The weather outside with dark night and heavy rain created a perfect milieu. “Do I have any reason to live without her?” He asked. But the mind refused to give the answer, knowing the rhetorical question. He was a strong person having ability to overcome the emotions. But again, he WAS. Today was different. His heart wanted to scream and this time he allowed the tears to flow. He remembered his old days. He was a man of honor and principles. There were no addictions, love life, whatsoever.  Over the years, things changed. And before he could recognize what is going wrong, he found himself trapped in the cruel hands of Love and now, suddenly released.

How can she do this to me? How can she end 4 years of a relationship within a minute? There were no answers. Just the questions. He was crying like a kid who might have lost its loveliest thing. Giving it a thought for few more minutes, he finally picked up a knife from the kitchen. The tool looked dangerous in his hand. He stared at it for a long time. Then slowly, he started cutting his vein. He felt no pain. At least not physically.  The darkness in the room overshadowed the red colored liquid oozing from his hand. Knowing that there is no pain, he stabbed the knife deep in his another hand and then in stomach. Memories from the childhood flashed in front of him. Loving parents, his achievements, the days when he was single and happy.  For a second, he decided not to die. “But it is too late now”, he whispered, feeling the weakness.

She was not sure how it would affect him. She din even have an idea that the funny plan of trapping someone on an April fool’s day could lead to his death. She gave no explanations,  just said “I don’t want to meet you ever, we are breaking up. It’s over”  and left. She was desperately waiting for 12 O’clock, to reveal the truth, not knowing that it will never be revealed.

“Should I call him? He is too sensitive and might take all this fun thing in a wrong way”, she thought.

“Oh come on, let us see his face when you tell him that you made him a fool, just wait for another half an hour”, one of the friends gave a “valuable” suggestion.

She hesitated. She had kept her phone off since morning to make him think that she is serious about what she had said. “What harm can half an hour do?” she said, oblivious that the harm is already done.

He could feel the drop of pulse rates. He was not sure how much time had passed . Drenched in the blood, he was now certain about his death. It was just a matter of time. “May be 5-10 minutes more”, he thought. He was worried about his parents. 

“How would they react after knowing their only son died?”. “Who would take care of them?”  “Is she of more importance to me then my parents?” . “Do I deserve to die for others harsh decisions?” A number of thoughts flooded his mind. But he was too weak even to respond to the thoughts. The phone on the table started ringing. He just smiled. “No calls on this number from tomorrow”, he said, slowly closing the eyes.

The unread message said, “ Hey, I am so sorry. We had a bet to trap you on April fool’s day. How can I ever leave you alone? The day you die, I will die honey. Please pick up the call, I love you.”

Awesome One Liners !

Well, these one liners always make me laugh, no matter fucked up my life is.
The most effective ones include






1. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.


2. Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are. ;)


3. If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"


4. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth !


5. Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.


6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


7. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?


8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


9. If you ever want to see a man cry..Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other..And..MAKE HIM CHOOSE!


10. I used to think the brain was the most important organ in the body, then I realized --- look what's telling me that.


11. I dont make mistakes, I date them.


12. Do you belive in love at first site, or shall I walk past again?


13. I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on EBAY


14. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.


15. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich


16. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time


17. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing .


18. If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now :P


19. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem !


20. Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys. ;)

A Thought

"Despite having so many friends, why do you sit alone at home like an idiot? Go out Mani, enjoy the life!". I just smiled. Someone who doesn't even know about me was showing me the path to happiness. Though I am a party animal who is always ready for hangouts and mixing with everyone around, now-a-days I enjoy spending time with myself. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you are sad. In fact when I am very happy about something, I just like to be with myself. Because this part of me is eternal. The only person who is not bound to materialistic things, when it comes to being there for me. Over the years I have seen friends and priorities changing. Nothing lasts the way you want. I mean think about it. How many of your old school/collage friends are still there with you? Even if they are, what is the frequency of calling them or when was the last time you met them? Dint they make promises to you once about not ever letting you go out of there lives? That they cant live without you or vice-versa? Nobody noticed but gradually the number of calls reduced from 5 times in a day to once in five days, then once in a week, then once in a month and now somebody just calls me on my b'day and then we don't speak until the next b'day. On social sites, they are just a part of  big crowd saying "Hi" or pressing "like" button. Everybody has excuses, "I don't get enough time" is one of them. How can you not have time for the people you care? And anyway, how much time does it take just  to say, "I am missing you and our old days?" You very well know that 10 mins of yours can add to someone's everlasting memories. What stops you then? It is really the time constraints or is it something else? Why is that the sharing 1 beer among 4 friends used to make you happy despite you now being able to afford a whole can for yourself? Why is that rides by filling 30 Rs. petrol in a friend's bike used be the best rides of your life but now a ride in your own car seems not so worthy? Why is that the pleasure of having 6 roommates in 1 BHK was more than you owning a 2 BHK for yourself? Why is that you still remember begging someone asking for his mobile just because you ran out of balance in the middle of the conversation with your best buddies but now when you have all the balance you need , you don't have someone to talk to for hours? The more I think about it, the more I feel that this so beloved Money has ruined everyone's life. I have started hating the words such as dreams, aspirations, career ,future growth. Why do you need all these things in the first place? Simple. To be happy. Isn't it ironic that we had literally screwed our one part of happiness in order to gain another? Why do you wonder where you will be in a year or two when you don't even know where you are now? Except your office colleagues, how many numbers are there in your cell? People whom you have not called in ages? I am sure you will come up with more than a dozen numbers. Weren't they an integral part of your life once? Now what happened? We always have the lame excuse of "Life needs to move on" . No, it doesn't. We force it to move on. Going back in times, I realize that the friends I have lost touch with are the most important ones and the friends I think I am so close to aren't exactly the greatest people I have ever met. So when you know that the people you gonna be friends with wont last for a lifetime, Isn't spending the time with yourself a better choice?

Dare to pick up the phone, I am an Insurance Agent !!

"Hello Mr. Manoj, If you remember I have had calling  you since one month for taking  LIC and you tell me to call in July asking about it". A voice over the phone with superior(?) English accent and who just "murdered" grammar with a mere sentence, literally made me jump of out the bed. "Heck , Not this jerk again !", were the only expressions I could afford . "So you are free to talk , right?" , the tone of his voice was rather commanding, than inquiring. Knowing that I have nothing else to do , I decided to pull him a bit and so started the conversation

Manoj - I can talk. Tell me what is it?

Agent : (For the reader's sake, I will translate his speech in what I think is "English !" ) Sir, are you interested in an LIC policy now? If yes, I can go ahead and provide you plans that suit to your requirement.

Manoj - (Haha, even I cant provide myself worthy enough to fulfill my own requirements,but anyway) I am , now. What kinda plans do you have to offer?

Agent : There are a number of schemes available. May I ask you how much do you earn per month?

Manoj : (Wow, thanks for suggesting me the easiest way to get rid of you !) 5000 pm. A flat reply .

Agent : ( Probably after a 30 second pause !) - Okay (This time he omitted "Sir" ;) ), and how much can you invest in a plan?

Manoj : ( Fuck ! This guy is a real optimist, try one more time Mani ) - Hmm..Dunno, around 500 rs? :P

Agent : Sir, as you very young, I would suggest you should go for at least 2k per month's plan.

Manoj : (Fine, it's now on Bitch. I am tough when it comes to give up , son!) I am sorry, but not possible, I just got married and have a wife to take  care of. Max I can invest is 1 grand.

Agent : That will do , sir. But I were told that you work with an IT company past three years. Your salary is a bit low as compared to your experience.

Manoj : (What the heck ! Who on the earth provides information to these people?) Well, the company fired me one month before.

Agent : Oh , I am sorry. But I do have plans for 1 grand. You can take that one as of now and later upgrade it or take a new plan in parallel.

Manoj - (Okay, I give up, you win .Happy?) Hmm.. seems good . So tell me about it. (Now considering the fact that I already knew what he is going to say because I already have a policy, I switched my cell to speaker mode , kept it aside, washed my face, changed cloths and returned.)

Agent : (Still talking ! It surprised me because he was "he" and not "she" ) x%$$^^%^&*.. You there ,sir?

Manoj : I am listening.

Agent : So as I was saying, maturity period can be 20-30 years, depending on your choice and you can get a fair amount which summons up to approximately 6 lacs. 

Manoj : (I get that amount in less than one year you jackass. But anyway, who cares?) It's not very much.

Agent : But sir, you are investing ONLY 1k per month. 

Manoj : (This time laughing on the insult ) . Right. But I met another agent who says I can get up to 15 lacs on the same investment. 

Agent : (Not quite sure about his own expertise in the field) I din come across such policy which gives so much return value. Can you tell me which company he represents?

Manoj : (only if I knew !)He has asked not to reveal the name. Sorry.

Agent : (Still not willing to give up)- As you can see sir, this policy does not involve risk factor. So you will not have to be worried about your money. And there are many additional benefits.

Manoj : ( Why the heck will I be worried about 1k per month anyway? And dude, can't you get it? I am not interested. Why did I start the conversation in the first place?) I don't want additional benefits.

(Do something you idiot..)

Agent : But sir, once you listen to me, I am sure you will be interested.

Manoj : ( It's high time for me to hang up ! So the drama begins!) - Hello..hello.. I can't hear you.

Agent : But I am getting your voice very clearly, as I was saying..

Manoj : Hello..Hello..I think some problem in the network . Please do call me after some time.

Finally ! Damn it, exhausted after this half an hour "Even-if-you-are-a-beggar, please-take-my-LIC-policy" conversation, I quickly added that number to my black list and heaved a sigh of relief. 

Insurance Agents ! They Bite :(

When life doesn't move on

A lot of things are going on these days. When I try to contemplate the situation two years back to the current one, I realize that nothing much has changed in life. Time is running faster than I anticipated. The concept of enjoying life as a youth is lost somewhere among career growth , Struggle, financial stability, family issues, load of loans, and other worries. After few months, I will turn 24 and damn it, living this way makes no sense to me. Being a happy-go-lucky animal, my nature does not permit me to regret over the mistakes I did. I think, I think a lot. I do realize the fact that it's not too late and there are some major things I can still start over or change. But I lack the power to implement them. The feeling of loneliness is the toughest to get rid of. Despite having blessed with so many best friends, at the end of the day, I literally need to convince myself that I am not alone ! Office work has no connection whatsoever with what I thought I would be doing at this stage. I always dreamed big, but my aspirations have buried somewhere in the corner of my heart after successive futile attempts to make them a reality. What I do today is just to pay my bills and loans. Financial security always overcomes my willingness to take a risk and in turn, my self-confidence. With my comedy nature, boyish charm and mature thoughts, I have always been centre of attraction for people. But these things are no longer helping me to stop ever growing inferiority complex. There is not one aspect of my life in which I am good at. Work wise, forever fluctuating between whether to continue with technical field or to get an MBA. Financially, despite earning a decent salary, overburdened with loan EMIs. Love life wise, still a single despite having opportunities to get along with caring, beautiful friends. Family wise, despite being the only son, the inability to call parents to stay with me due to other worries. An Introvert who once did everything that it takes to be an extrovert is eventually turning into an introvert again. I feel I have isolated myself from the world. Now, most of the times I sit idle at home thinking for hours and trying to put some sense in my life, but nothing much comes out. It hurts and feels helpless to see myself turning from once an advice consultant to an advice seeker. Heck ! Life sucks. It does. I need to figure out how to deal with these things otherwise soon I will be a body living with no respect, self-confidence and in turn, no soul.

The "Real" Son of a Bitch !

       Glad that for the first time, I am using this phrase at the right place ! (Most of the times, I end up offering it to the creatures called "friends" ). Few days before, I went to the other part of city to attend my cousin's wedding. Well, I am not much into attending marriages but then one day my mother scared hell out of me saying, "Mani, If you don't attend family weddings, no one will bother to come to yours". From that day, I made it compulsory to show my stupid face and bless(?) bride and groom. After the ceremony was over, I was on my way back home and saw this cutest puppy. He was walking amid the traffic street, not caring that this is not a property of his forefathers. He had no sense or fear, whatsoever. As I am born with a nature that cannot see people/animal helpless (Slight exaggeration, but will do for this point!), I decided to adopt him. By looking at his face, no one can say he is a street dog. On the other hand, every time I go to a standard place, I need to convince people that I am a "professional" earning nice paychecks. Anyway, carrying  him home was another big problem as PMT buses here don't allow to carry "Low profile animals" (pets) along with "high profile animals" like me. My attempts to bribe conductor failed despite me offering him 50rs for a 7rs ticket. So Finally I had to spare around 350 bucks to hire an auto and take him home. As soon as he entered home, he gave me a clear warning of not to confuse his cute face by what he actually is by turning my white tiles into a dirty green-yellowish color . I never thought God will be so kind that I will actually have to clean someone's shit one day. I named him Patchy after a brown patch on his whitish body. So as I thought, Doctor declared him a "dalmatian" cross breed . He must have left home and unknowingly ended up on the streets. Knowing his breed, I spent around solid 5 grands purchasing his stuff. Hell, taking care of a dog is much more costly than taking care of a human being. I mean 900 bucks for a small injection? 1000 for pedigree? 850 for a bed? You must be kidding me. Soon every single thing that once belonged to me was his property. He is like a flatmate offering poo and pee instead of rent ! He eats more than a weight lifter following hefty diet and poops more than a disturbed-stomach person . I was patient, believing that one day he will be trained and make it a habit to do his dirty stuff outside. But he is not ready to change. On the other hand, now I got a habit to clean his stuff before going to and after coming from office. My once neatly cleaned and organized room , hygienic nature are no longer a part of my life. Anyway, he is too young to understand it all. Patience is the key. He is very clever by the way. For example, He never cries or barks at night which helps me to get up on time for the office. And God, you cannot break his defense mechanism . He is adept in hiding himself from danger and if you try to dominate him, he goes very aggressive biting you at the "right" positions that will force you to give up. He is a highly active creature and requires a lot of attention so I have decided to send him home. It is not possible to take care of him throughout day due to office timings and I don't want his active nature to go waste. My parents are very much excited. The proud words from my mother were, "Don't worry, we will take very good care of him. Anyway, we feel lonely after one dog left the home ( Why do I feel it was for me? well, it was !) so another one will make home alive again" . He is such a sweetheart. I can literally spend hours just by having him on my laps. His innocent eyes talk to me. He shows his affection towards me by licking my face all the time. (Okay, that once was the most unhygienic thing for me, but now, it isn't !). I do give him a lot of time but I feel he needs more. Apart from his fecal matters, he doesn't trouble me much . Sending him away is rather a situational demand than my will. Anyway, I can go home every weekend and meet him so this is not a big deal. This is least I can do for him, after all, he is one of the best things ever happened to me !

A "Missed" Journey :)

As per the new sucking time-table, my three alarms rang making hideous sounds that usually force to wake up everyone but me in the building . Trust me, even three alarms mean nothing when you are deep down in your fancy dream holding onto some gorgeous. ;)  Anyway, my home-gifted-cooler makes more noise than the breeze it throws, so most of the times I don't hear alarm bell. Today when I woke up, it was raining. For a moment I literally forgot the fact that I have only one bus that takes me to the office. The weather effects forced me to go back into my dreams and when I woke up again, it was already quarter to 10. "Fuck !" was the only  word I could utter. My area is still under developing stage and many residents here belong to IT industry who either follow strict bus timings or have their own car, so the Government here doesn't bother much to increase the frequency of buses. In simple terms, there was no way for me to get to the office, unless I was lucky enough to be at the bus stand and catch that "we-can't-promise-you-any-proper-timing" PMT bus. Fortunately I was lucky ! A bus came within 15 minutes, showing the real side of India, where people were hanging onto every possible place, in and outside the bus. Knowing that there is no other option, I somehow managed to get into. And the  drama begun !

First shock came when the conductor snatched those 100 Rs. from my hand and handed me over a ticket of 10 Rs., not returning anything back. I tried to protest but that fellow gave me that "you-jackass-either-bring-the-change-or-forget-your-money" glance. He soon disappeared into the crowd, despite me yelling at him. After a 10 minutes struggle, I somehow got a seat. Soon a lady comes to me and points that this seat is reserved for ladies. I stare at her stupidly. I mean come on, every single "Reserved for Ladies" seat was occupied by men so gimme one reason why should I quit on my seat. But alas, I abandoned  the seat like a gentleman ,neglecting that "you-coward" glance of a man seating next to me . The best part was that the driver was still searching for passengers ! I mean how greedy can someone get?  After half an hour, I was standing in a position , which would have put me behind the bars, had I not been in a bus ! Surrounded by 4 feminine creatures touching "every" part of my body and absolutely no space to move, I finally gave up on my money, considering worthiness of the ride. Usually a 20-minute journey took around one hour due to traffic and when I finally reached the office, it  was quarter past to 12. (Thankfully  my lead understood what it means by missing a bus and said nothing when I gave him the reason.) .I then vowed before my "10-100 rs. ticket" in hand that I will never miss the office bus again. Damn it, I need more alarms and less fancy dreams to make that happen !