Born Again. Resurrected !

The effect of those memories was too intense to get rid of. Sitting in the darkness, He remembered that day,Nov 18,2000. The day which changed his identity, the very nature of who he was.

He was in 8th standard, with 5'3" height, with no social awareness. He had a problem with his tongue. He used to stammer. Everybody around him used to make fun of him and he never cared because he had accepted the fact that he was good for nothing. There was only good thing about him. He was a class topper . They had a combined class of boys and girls. And on the very first day, he saw her ! She was the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. With a 5'7" height, slim figure and with a humanly unimaginable beauty, she was far above any boy's standard. She was so beautiful that he even scared to talk with her.  But to his surprise , on fine day, she came to him and the guy went crazy just by talking to her ! So as time passed ,they became friend ( at least the guy thought so!), but he never realized that she was befriends with him only to let him down in grades. He helped her in everything. 7 months passed. Gradually ,the boy thought he has this "love" feeling for her but he was not even the option she could ever think of.  But love was love (ahh..at that age anything we feel was love!). So one fine day, he proposed her. As he had a problem with his tongue, he wrote down everything in a letter and gave it to her. She read it but din say anything. She asked him to meet on the next day. Boy was happy and waiting for the next day,Nov 18, 2000. Next day,he went to school to meet her, to persuade her. She was with 10 other girls and the stupid boy din have any idea what was coming to him. He went in the class. The first thing she did was to slap him. He stood there ,not saying anything.Then it started.

The first question she asked was, " Have you ever seen your face in the mirror ?" You don't even come up-to my breast . Look at your height. And about this letter bullshit. If you have guts, do one thing, Just say the entire sentence without a pause that "I love you and I want to marry you". You say this in one attempt and I will marry you. The boy stood there. Silently. He had nothing much in life but whatever it was, it was destroyed that day. Yet he tried.

I love..love ..you.. and..and ..I ..and stopped. Everybody around her started laughing. Then for next 40 minutes, she and her friends humiliated the very existence of him. They even insulted his parents for giving birth to him. The boy stood there, weeping and listening to each and every word. Then he came home and for the first time in his life, he cried. He cried for his appearance, he cried for his inability to speak. He cried for every god damn thing that was responsible for his identity.  Finally he decided to end his life. But there was someone who was there for him. His mother stopped him. She understood something very bad has happened to him . She asked and the boy told her everything. His mother listened silently and then finally she spoke.

You are my son.  Don't let someone insult you like this. Do you wanna die the way your were born? Doing nothing? The way that people wont even spit on your body? If you really are my son then show me that you have the guts. Show me that you can make people fall in love with you. Show me that you can make your identity. Or die insulted. I wont stop you .

That was the day, Many things changed. The boy quit school and decided to take the exam from home. For next 17 months, he did everything that listed impossible in his directory. For next 17 months, he slept only for 2-3 hours, concentrating rest of the time to work on his height, tongue twisters and with only one purpose in mind, "I don't wanna die like this!". Doctors even warned that if he din get sleep, he can go mental. But the boy din care anymore. All he wanted was to be better.Each passing Day.

As time passed,

A damn introvert, having no friends and most useless creature on the earth gradually turned into a person who now has some identity.

A boy who was 5'3" and who used to stammer turned into a 5'10" and a chatterbox.

A boy who almost never laughed in first 16 years turned into an ever smiling guy and a source for others to laugh.

A hopeless romantic turned into a damn good flirt.

A guy who once struggled for having one good friend now have dozens of people loving and caring for him.

Things were impossible, two people made them possible.

3 years passed. When the right time came, the boy went to see her. She din recognize him at first, She said ," Do I know you?" .The boy smiled on his victory. He said, you know me very well, just try to remember. She stared at him for 5 minutes and then suddenly shouted, Oh My God..I cant believe it, Are you what I think you are?

The boy just smiled and said, nope I am changed a lot. Thank you for everything. He then left and never saw that girl again.

Happy Ending.!!

 P.S. A fiction? Comment are deleted because those were leading to misunderstanding !

The Interview Drama ! :D

Worst day of my life ever! Though now I am seriously preparing for GMAT, considering the booming market in Telecom, I decided to take an interview for Samsung and Aricent. Well, I regret my decision. This is one of the very few situations where I felt like I am the dumbest creature on the earth. Samsung had a written test which I couldn't clear. No regret for this! Test was damn tough. My head was literally spinning for first 10 minutes after looking at the questions. I abused myself with every possible "self-insulting" words when I found out that I can't get around. I am glad that at least I was not the only one having this feeling. After the confirmation from dozens of other interviewees, I somehow convinced my mind that test was really tough. But worse was yet to come. Being humiliated by the test, I then headed to Aricent walk ins. Oh man, why didn't someone stop me from doing that? There were two guys who interviewed me. It went something like this

1st guy - Okay Manoj, So tell me about yourself.

Manoj - (Yawning right on his face! Not my fault, I was awake since 2 am! ) ^%%&^**@$#
Both guys stare at me!
Manoj -(What?) excuse me, I am a bit exhausted.
2nd guy - So you are working with IBM past two years huh..Your coding must be excellent!
Manoj - (Damn you, If it were excellent, I would have been taking Google's interview. Not yours! But buck up Mani, this is not a place to cry about your project's poor exposure!) Well, we don't do extensive coding but yeah, I have a fair idea about fundamentals.

2nd guy - Cool. So tell me what do you do in your project.

Manoj-(What do you think I will do for 20 K? I come to office, I chat, I wander around, I go to cafeteria ,I hopelessly stare at the new girls in our project and then I go home!) I will give you a brief overview as my module is very large and explaining it will take much time. Is it okay? Feel free to interrupt me if you need details at any point in time.

2nd guy- Sure. Go Ahead.

Manoj - blah blah blah..^%^8&*((88#%#%

1st guy -Seems interesting. Tell me more about ^%&^

Manoj - Screw you. If I knew more, I would not have offered a " brief view"!) *&^*^ is blah blah blah..

2nd guy - So Manoj, can you write a program to &^*^&$

Manoj-(Yippee. I had mugged it day before yesterday. Lucky! Now listen jerk) sure. The logic goes as follows..%$&^&^

1st guy- Can you implement it using ^%%*%& ?

Manoj - (I bet even your father does not know how to implement it that way! Thank to god son, your at the other side of the table!) -I can try.
For next 10 minutes I wrote something which was hard to decipher. Even for me! Actually I gave up as soon as he asked that question. But well, let him think that I am doing something!

2nd guy- (Frustrated after 7 minutes..) Can you do it,Manoj?

Manoj - (Dumb-ass ,hell NO, but lets see what you have got!) Seems a bit tough, I have never used this type in my coding. But I am curious to know about it. Can you please explain it to me?)
Phew..and the sides change!

2nd guy Wrote some bullshit on the paper. Anyway,I don't give a damn to what he explained. But I had to pretend as if I am willing to learn!

Manoj- hmm..ohh..yeah..didn't strike me earlier..you are right!

1st guy - So do you know UNIX?

Manoj - (I know about UNIX more than your forefathers! Glad you came to this area. Now ask whatever you want! )Yes. I have a good grasp on UNIX fundamentals.

1st guy - Okay. I will come back to it later (He never did! :() first tell me more about %$%&*

Manoj - (You are a real son of a bitch.I know you have decided not to take me in.)
I don't know.(This time I was losing my patience,so no more polite words!)

2nd guy - I thought you know c++ well.

Manoj -(I never said this, you moron. Anyway.) As I said,we don't do extensive coding. But I am willing to learn (of course if you are willing to pay me twice my salary!)

1st guy - Wrote some crap function..Can you please explain the output of this function?

Manoj - (As if I am a walking compiler !) (That was a damn tough program code he had written) hmm..well..actually..basically..I can try..give me a minute please..okay..the output will be..I don't remember the implementation..but I think..this goes here..so ...returning value will be.. (and it went on..!)

1st guy - Never mind. What about this one (wrote another program!) and this time gave me 4 options. (He must have understood,this guy is gonna suck!)

Manoj - (choose something idiot..!Do inky-pinky-ponky--!) Answer will be option 3 (Damn it, give me less salary, but don't ask "how"?) (Thankfully he dint :))

2nd guy- So tell me about possible future scope in your project!

Manoj-(If my project had a "scope", I would not have bothered to come here, you really are a jackass!) blah..&%^&$#%#%..blah..^%$^
They asked 10 more questions after that and finally decided this guy is good for nothing..(yeah, I know it, why did it take so long for you guys to figure it out? :P)
Okay Manoj, please wait outside. We will let you know the results in a while!
Manoj - (Haha. Your company is not up to my standards! I don't want your job) okay. Nice to meet you both (But for God's sake, please don't ever meet me again,or else that would be your last day on the earth)
Then I came home,without even bothering to wait for results.
Happy(?) Ending!

But one thing,I never felt so humiliated in my life before this. I was damn good at some point in time in collage, but this mba fever took me away from technical.
But after this incident, I have decided to clear a damn interview first(I don't care if I get a job or not,I just want to satisfy myself that I can do it!). Screw the GMAT. I will postpone it again, if need arises. But now I cant sleep without clearing an interview. I am starting my technical preparation. Not because I want a job (yeah..that is a reason, but the main reason is I have to convince myself that I am good at technical. Because this is the first time I was so down in my own eyes) . And frankly I cant cope with this feeling. I always did things by giving my best shots. I go to extremities in anything I do(whether it is good or bad.)
So, next one month in technical studies and I will surely make the interviewer (and of course, my attitude!) happy.

Confession of a Regretted soul

I lost 30K in Poker. This is first time in my poker history I lost so much money. I had stopped playing poker 7 months before,despite being very good at it. Though till date I have earned 1000s of dollars in poker, I stopped playing because somewhere deep inside I thought this is not a way to earn money. Now today, after 7 months, I was in desperate need of money for some family issue, so I decided to gamble. (This is not gambling,but still..) Ahh..nothing was in favor. My heart was screaming and asking me to stop, but I dint. What is wrong with me?In hope of earning more money,I lost my 3 month's saving. This is not a very good place for repentance but I have to tell it to someone. Anyone. So much for a guy who once boasted about his ability to control his mind. I feel like an idiot. I swear on my parents,I will never play poker again.

This is not about money,this is about life's principles. I never go against my principles,no matter what. I am sure I can earn everything back in one night, but I don't want to. I am glad at least I din lose anything from my pocket because that was poker saving. But damn it,when you are in need,source doesn't matter.

Anyway, good that this chapter ended once and for all. This has to end someday. The early the better.

The decision

Hmm.. Check out

http://a-non-official-guide-to-gmat.blogspot.com/2010/10/when-attitude-meets-determination.html

:)

The BirthDay !

Finally,one more year is added (subtracted?) to/from my life.No big deal.It happens sometimes ;) .more on this later!

When Things change..

There comes a point in your life from where things cannot get any worse. Accompanied cursed fate has changed many things in past two months. The effect was so severe that it isolated me from the world. It destroyed my sense of fear, worry, reality, relations, hopes and humor. The Only thing I did in past 15 days was thinking. Some people, I thought are the ones who will always give me a shoulder, were the first one who crushed me right under their feet, and some people whom I thought as "ready-to-dance-on-my -grave" were the ones who helped me in these critical situations. It's funny. It really is. The fact that I have to start everything from the scratch scares me. In one minute,I was secure and in next, insecure. Suddenly change has become enemy and I am trying to cling on to the past with dear life. I want to stop that moment when everything went wrong. But soon I realized past is drifting further and further away. Lying on bed, I feel like an idiot. My priorities have changed, my opinion about people has changed. But the storm inside is now settled. In one way, I have controlled my mind to think what I want to think. It is settled and the answers are now clear. I am still in the hope that sun will shine.

The Lost Mind

It has been more than 4 nights, I am wide awake. Eccentric changes in heinous relationships and the fact that life cannot be predicted, have changed something in me. I no longer feel a part of this world, where there is no value for honesty, trust, caring nature or relations. The only person you can rely on for solving brutal problems of life is "you". Attachment, wanting someone's shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to or dependency on anyone is nothing but your weaknesses. Only haplessly incompetent people need these things. Within 3 weeks, I have buried that ever smiling, cracking-stupid-joke-on-every-single-sentence, caring and helping Mani somewhere deep in my heart. He is no longer a part of me. I no longer feel attached to anyone. I don't know what happened. Many things happened to me all of a sudden and the effect was catastrophic. It destroyed the very existence of me. I don't know how much time will it take me to recover from this impasse.


All I want to do now is to be focused on my future. My desire to be perfect in my dreamed aspects has grown more stronger. Ever since I was born, life has never been fair to me. I struggled almost in every phase. Very few people know the struggle I did for my entire goddamn identity. But I never complained. I smashed the fate every-time it tried to let me down. But there has to be limit. I mean why me? This fact turned me into an agnostic 5 years before. I never believe in God. Because if he were there, he would have done something about me. But he never helps. May be God only helps the stronger. So damn it, one day, I will be. No matter how many times you let me down, I will come back. So dear god and all those "inspirational" people, WATCH ME !

GMAT : The End?..A New Beginning..

Many things have changed in last week. For some personal reasons, my family is going through a very flinty situation and I have decided to postpone the exam by 5 months. To be honest, this is not what I wanted. I was in extreme positive mood about taking the exam and resigning my job. But sometimes things change with a blink of an eye and you are forced to take some tough decisions. I am not demotivated. I just need to devote some time to my family. And considering some other situations, I have planned to take the exam in January. But this decision did not sway my attitude towards the exam neither I will stop studying. In fact, this dilemma has enlivened my desire to get an mba, at any cost.And I have got enough patience to wait for the right time. It's okay to lose a couple of battles, keep your eyes focused on the war! But one thing for sure,  you will never know how bad life can get. Even perfectly planned things descend into an anarchy. All you can do is to have faith in your abilities.I need to be focused for next 5 months. I know it's tough. But I am left with the only option. After all, this is not the end. It's just a new beginning.