Confession of a Regretted soul

I lost 30K in Poker. This is first time in my poker history I lost so much money. I had stopped playing poker 7 months before,despite being very good at it. Though till date I have earned 1000s of dollars in poker, I stopped playing because somewhere deep inside I thought this is not a way to earn money. Now today, after 7 months, I was in desperate need of money for some family issue, so I decided to gamble. (This is not gambling,but still..) Ahh..nothing was in favor. My heart was screaming and asking me to stop, but I dint. What is wrong with me?In hope of earning more money,I lost my 3 month's saving. This is not a very good place for repentance but I have to tell it to someone. Anyone. So much for a guy who once boasted about his ability to control his mind. I feel like an idiot. I swear on my parents,I will never play poker again.

This is not about money,this is about life's principles. I never go against my principles,no matter what. I am sure I can earn everything back in one night, but I don't want to. I am glad at least I din lose anything from my pocket because that was poker saving. But damn it,when you are in need,source doesn't matter.

Anyway, good that this chapter ended once and for all. This has to end someday. The early the better.

The decision

Hmm.. Check out

http://a-non-official-guide-to-gmat.blogspot.com/2010/10/when-attitude-meets-determination.html

:)

The BirthDay !

Finally,one more year is added (subtracted?) to/from my life.No big deal.It happens sometimes ;) .more on this later!

When Things change..

There comes a point in your life from where things cannot get any worse. Accompanied cursed fate has changed many things in past two months. The effect was so severe that it isolated me from the world. It destroyed my sense of fear, worry, reality, relations, hopes and humor. The Only thing I did in past 15 days was thinking. Some people, I thought are the ones who will always give me a shoulder, were the first one who crushed me right under their feet, and some people whom I thought as "ready-to-dance-on-my -grave" were the ones who helped me in these critical situations. It's funny. It really is. The fact that I have to start everything from the scratch scares me. In one minute,I was secure and in next, insecure. Suddenly change has become enemy and I am trying to cling on to the past with dear life. I want to stop that moment when everything went wrong. But soon I realized past is drifting further and further away. Lying on bed, I feel like an idiot. My priorities have changed, my opinion about people has changed. But the storm inside is now settled. In one way, I have controlled my mind to think what I want to think. It is settled and the answers are now clear. I am still in the hope that sun will shine.

The Lost Mind

It has been more than 4 nights, I am wide awake. Eccentric changes in heinous relationships and the fact that life cannot be predicted, have changed something in me. I no longer feel a part of this world, where there is no value for honesty, trust, caring nature or relations. The only person you can rely on for solving brutal problems of life is "you". Attachment, wanting someone's shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to or dependency on anyone is nothing but your weaknesses. Only haplessly incompetent people need these things. Within 3 weeks, I have buried that ever smiling, cracking-stupid-joke-on-every-single-sentence, caring and helping Mani somewhere deep in my heart. He is no longer a part of me. I no longer feel attached to anyone. I don't know what happened. Many things happened to me all of a sudden and the effect was catastrophic. It destroyed the very existence of me. I don't know how much time will it take me to recover from this impasse.


All I want to do now is to be focused on my future. My desire to be perfect in my dreamed aspects has grown more stronger. Ever since I was born, life has never been fair to me. I struggled almost in every phase. Very few people know the struggle I did for my entire goddamn identity. But I never complained. I smashed the fate every-time it tried to let me down. But there has to be limit. I mean why me? This fact turned me into an agnostic 5 years before. I never believe in God. Because if he were there, he would have done something about me. But he never helps. May be God only helps the stronger. So damn it, one day, I will be. No matter how many times you let me down, I will come back. So dear god and all those "inspirational" people, WATCH ME !

GMAT : The End?..A New Beginning..

Many things have changed in last week. For some personal reasons, my family is going through a very flinty situation and I have decided to postpone the exam by 5 months. To be honest, this is not what I wanted. I was in extreme positive mood about taking the exam and resigning my job. But sometimes things change with a blink of an eye and you are forced to take some tough decisions. I am not demotivated. I just need to devote some time to my family. And considering some other situations, I have planned to take the exam in January. But this decision did not sway my attitude towards the exam neither I will stop studying. In fact, this dilemma has enlivened my desire to get an mba, at any cost.And I have got enough patience to wait for the right time. It's okay to lose a couple of battles, keep your eyes focused on the war! But one thing for sure,  you will never know how bad life can get. Even perfectly planned things descend into an anarchy. All you can do is to have faith in your abilities.I need to be focused for next 5 months. I know it's tough. But I am left with the only option. After all, this is not the end. It's just a new beginning.

My Life Partner!

Well, Since few days, I am getting this question every now and then. "Mani, what are your expectations from your life partner?" And all I can do is to stare at the questioner! I mean come on, I am just 22 and I have many things to accomplish in my life before I get into this love feeling. (Of course, hope so, it will be a love marriage!). It's not that I am a saint and I never flirted with girls. I did and I do! But deciding your life partner needs time. I mean much time. I have a poster of "suggestion for Success" hanging on my wall and the very first point is "Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery. Anyway, not getting into that "I-will-give-you-lectures-about-how-a-life-partner-should-be" mode, I will just jot down things that I expect from my life partner!

1. She should NOT be perfect. Well, yes, no one is perfect. But still there are certain creatures in this world who are close to perfect. I mean I have seen some girls who are gorgeous, talented, good in nature, passionate and what not! But so far I have observed that perfection goes hand in hand with the arrogance. I want someone who is down to earth. At least She should know the fact that she is not the only one in the world.

2. The most important condition, She should take care of my parents. I am the only son of my parents and considering "I-want-my-own-space" mentality of our young generation, I think I may need to search for a long time for a woman possessing this quality. I don't expect her to bow down before my parents and take care of them as if it's her duty. But at least she should give them the respect they deserve. And of course, same is equally applicable to me when it comes to her parents.

3. She should be at least 5'1"-5'2".

4. Though I am of the mentality to prefer nature over the looks, things need to be a bit practical. Of course, nature is the first thing I will look at, but yes, she should at least be noticeable, if not good looking.

After all, I will have to my life with her, and you know how guys are :)

5. She should be educated! I think it is very important to have that compatibility level with your fellow partner, otherwise practically, things become difficult. I am okay if she earns or doesn't earn. It really doesn't matter. Because deep inside I know I will earn enough amount so as not to let my family deprived of any facilities! So even if she earns, it's her choice whom to spend money on. I will not interfere with it!

6. I won't give a damn about her background or any bad thing related to her family. After all, she didn’t born in that particular family by her choice :) And it's the girl I want to marry, not her family.

7. I am not race-caste biased. My parents had love marriage. Though my mother has some personal reasons and she wants me to marry me a girl of our caste, I can persuade her! I am okay to marry a girl of different caste or religion. It is least of my worries. And if she loves me, I have enough guts to convince her parents about the same factor!

8. I don't mind if she drinks or smokes or is a non-veg eating girl  (My entire family excluding me is vegetarian. I had to learn to eat non-veg to survive in hostel and now in south India). But there should be a limit about drinking-smoking habits. I think these things do not necessarily decide a person's character. It's okay to do them in a moderate proportion.

9. She should be caring and romantic. At least honest in relationship. I don't give a damn about her previous life. Whether she had a boyfriend or not or anything for that matter. But once we are in a relationship, we should be loyal to each other.

10. I am enough broad minded to accept the fact that if she is working too, then she may not be able cook or may have to stay for long hours in the company or she may have friends or colleagues just like I do. These people might be in our lives before we will even meet each other. So cut the crap! She will have her liberty and own-space about these things :)

11. I prefer someone who is from my field. Though the lowest of all conditions. I think if partners are from the same educational background then it helps them to understand each other’s concerns in more relative ways.

12. I am okay if she is elder to me by 2-3 years. It doesn't matter. After all, we never know what will happen in next moment :) I want to be with her and not with her age

Well, as of now, this is it! I believe these are very simple and straightforward expectations, still I can compromise if situation demands it. (Sometimes even a single factor about the person is sufficient to spend the entire life with him/her!). It's been quite some time that I haven't posted anything on this blog. GMAT is on my nerves. 46 days to go. More on this later.

My mother was right, Hell is real

I didn't post anything in past 6 days (on the GMAT blog), and I hated it! I am devastated. Work load is increasing day by day and I am not able to cope up with maintaining both job and studies. But it's not really about work. I still come from office around 6 but the guilty part is, I don't study. My Exam is just 50 days away and I am losing my grasp. When I see my friends enjoying life, I feel like why I am the only one who has to lock himself at home for studies? Why can't I be careless and stop worrying about this bullshit thing? This feeling wasted my 3 days. I was out and partying like a wild animal. But then I realized that it's complete foolishness. It was I who decided to go for the exam. It was I who want to be something in my life. What we are doing for enjoyment now is just hallucination. Real enjoyment of life will last till the end if we build a solid base in earlier years. As they say, "it always tastes bitter before sweet"! Well, I regret what I did this week, but it's better late than never. Now I am back, rocking and kicking. I have revised my timetable so as to compensate the lost time. Hopefully I will do it. It's very important to stay motivated. When feel frustrated, I picture a Top B-school, my first day, that environment and of course! my first 6 digit pay check. That everything brings me back to my schedule. What the heck, if these 50 days will decide my lifetime then I would like to screw my parties, my friends and everything for that matter. Let’s get back to real enjoyment! When you feel like giving up, think of all the reason why you held it for so long, Do or Die is the old saying, "Do before you Die" is the new one. Hold on GMAT, Mani is back !