A Brutal Reality

Monday Morning. Since I am anyway living life of a robot, as per schedule, my alarm clock starts crying at 7.30 in the morning. I change the side, try to kick the clock, and when failed, curse the guy who invented it, put pillow on my ears and try to grab some more of my monster’s sleep. After about 10 seconds, the volume gets louder, forcing me to get up and hit on the top of that poor thing which is actually trying to help me. With my eyes half open, I wake from bed, fold my blanket, murmur my morning prayers, brush my teeth with random directions and speed for about 10 minutes, walk up in the shower and stand there like an idiot for another 15 minutes. Finally, dot at 9.30, I was on my way to office.

I was waiting for my office bus when I saw a middle-aged lady knocking the cars window when the traffic signals turned red. That didn't surprise me as I am now habituated watching people doing this every day. I have just learned to ignore them. Not that I don’t care, but I know giving them 5-10 Rupees wouldn't solve any of their misery.  This woman, though I must say, somehow looked different than the common beggars’ crowd.  Her face had turned dull what I considered might be because of the sleep deprivation. Her hair was askew, her saari, even after the stains of mud, looked decent. She was sweating profusely from the labor of walking around . But undeterred by the simmering heat, she ambled from car to car at the traffic signal, rapping her knuckles on the tainted windows of each car to plead for help.  But as usual, she was not getting audience. Monday morning, frustrated people, heavy traffic, office timings. She failed to realize that this city can never be her agony aunt.  Once the signal turned green, the cars honked mercilessly at her, leaving her behind to wait patiently for another slot of “We-don’t-give-a-fuck-about-your-condition-we-have-our-own-worries” people.

I don’t know why, but I somehow felt like offering  her something. I signaled her to cross the road and come to me. As soon as she came, I took out a 50 Rs. note. To my surprise, she refused to take the money. “Mala paise naahi pajihe sahib” (I don’t want money Saheb), she said in a clear, no-nonsense and sophisticated Marathi tone. Then what do you want? I asked, clearly taken aback by her tone. She took out a small diary which had some numbers written in it with addresses. “I just want a ticket to go here, she said pointing at one of the addresses”. “Nagpur?”, it’s quite far from here, I said hurriedly, looking at my second office bus swaying away from me. “Please saheb, I beg of you”, She was almost about to touch my feet when I stopped her. Not only it was embarrassing in front of people, but also she was my mother’s age. “Aunty please, I need to go. I have office”. It takes at least 450 Rupees to go to Nagpur from here. I don’t have that much cash with me and I am getting late. Sorry, But this is all I have, I said, taking out whatever I had in my pocket, which were just around 200 Rupees.”  I handed them over to her and started walking away. 

She didn't stop me. But somehow, my conscience did. A lonely old lady in this big City, by looking at her, I knew she wouldn't even be able to find the station even if she had money. Screw the office, what do I have to lose at the most? One fucking day’s leave?  This lady did not take the money, so obviously there was something else to the story. So I turned back. I could see the shine in her eyes as soon as I turned back and started walking towards her. “Okay. I will manage your departure to Nagpur, but first tell me what happened.” I said. She looked so tired and weak that she was barely able to stand. So, I took her to a nearby hotel, ordered some breakfast for her on which she hogged like she was hungry since ages. Then she told me what happened.

When her husband died, her son and his wife asked her to sign on the property paper of house. She happily gave it away. Then the torture started. Her son and his wife used to beat her daily.  They asked her to leave the house. His wife used her as a slave. Asking her anything from cleaning dishes to cleaning their toilet. One day, her son almost tried to kill her. So she ran away in fear, grabbed first train that she could find and landed in Mumbai. Now after three days, with no money and no food, she was helpless. She wanted to go to her brother in Nagpur. The pain she felt because of her own son, whom she had given every bit of her life since his childhood was much more than the pain of wounds and scars she showed me on her back and hands. I was almost in tears. How could one son do this to his mother?  I was so angry about the entire incident, I would have killed that bastard. So I took a leap of faith and decided to do what is right. What my principles permit me. Sending her to Nagpur to her brother was not a solution. Teaching her son a lesson so hard that he would think thousand times before doing such evil thing was all I wanted. Office was  anyway ruined since it was well past 11 O’ clock. Not that I cared. So I called office people and informed them I won’t come. I then called my mother and explained her the situation. She, being a social worker and my father, having well known contacts pulled some strings together and within half an hour, a senior police inspector called me from Pune, asking the boy’s location. This lady lived in Pune so I took the first train with her and went to pune. It did not end there. I had some plans.

By the time we reached there in afternoon, the police had already dragged the boy into police station. A 6’2” drunk guy with red eyes and devil face appeared before me and when he saw me with his mother, the first thing he said, not fearing the police was, “ya kutrila tar me marnaarch aahe, pan aata tula pan sodanaar naahi" (I will anyway kill this bitch, but I won’t spare you as well). Oh My, that guy really had guts to say that in front of police.  I suddenly kicked him so hard in his groin, he almost felt on ground. One kick in his stomach and one solid punch on his face and his nose was bleeding like anything. I would have killed that asshole but police stopped me.  I again called my parents and made sure that this devil stays in the lockup. I don’t know what my father talked to the inspector, but police registered a fake FIR against him for some case and made sure he won’t get a bail. I then convinced them to transfer the property paper back on this lady’s name. It would take some time, but my mother made it sure that it will be done. I then called one of the lady’s sisters staying in Pune and asked lady to stay with her until the matter resolved. That lady joined her palm in front of me despite my attempts and thanked me with gratitude. I gave her my number and asked the policeman to call me next week about the progress in the issue. I then left back to Mumbai.

I thought over it for a long time but couldn't understand why this happened. What is wrong with people? Are we so senseless that we can literally try to kill our own mother, who is no less than God, just for the sake of money? Have we become so cruel that we have forgotten the value of relations? Who poisoned this guy's mentality? His wife? Or his situation? Or his abhorrence?  I still don’t know the root cause. But this thing sadden me to the core. Tore apart my basic understanding of mother and son relationship. When I came back, I was scattered into pieces. 

God alone knows what’s going to happen in this what we call as Kalyug.

The Naked Truth!

She could clearly see the disappointment in his eyes. "The least he can do for me is to act like he is glad to see me", she thought. He didn't say anything. But she understood what that silence meant, for she had lived her whole life with that kind of silence. “You tricked me. You are so ugly. Ugly as a pig shit”. “Forget about marriage, I won’t touch you even if you stand naked in front of me”, he must be shouting inside, she thought. She waited there. Patiently. Hoping he would say something. But he didn't. So finally She looked into his eyes for the answers. Those newly found eyes. They did not spell happiness. They spelled disgust. They spelled hatred. There was nothing much left in her life but whatever it was, it was destroyed at that very moment. She wanted to slap him, yet she didn't. She wanted to scream, but she didn't.  Getting no response from him, she started walking out slowly from the hospital. He didn't stop her.

At night, she took a shower. She didn't realize for how much time she was in there, standing and wailing.  Allowing to let it all flow. When she felt a little less heavy, she came out. Standing naked, she looked in the mirror. She was ugly, she knew it. But tonight, mirror reflected her image uglier than ever before. Scars on the black and pimple covered face, small and distorted nipples, fat belly tyres and short height.  She had nothing to offer to a man except a caring and pure heart. A heart that was romantic as hell. A heart that believed in fairy tale stories. A heart waiting for her prince charming to rescue her. A heart that believed appearances are deceptive, and the only thing that lasts is inner beauty. She smiled at her stupidity. “Ever heard of someone falling in love at first sight with an ugly person?” she thought.  Everything she ever believed in was a fierce lie. A make belief. She thought he was different. At least until he got his vision back.

“I am ugly. You won’t like me when you will be able to see me”, she had warned him once, very well aware of the consequences. “Baby, I love you. You have a pure heart. You are the reason I am getting my vision back. Don’t ever think that you are ugly. You are as much beautiful outside as you are inside, at least for me.” He had given her a hope. A hope which was like the first sun ray entering into her dark world, eradicating all the darkness she had. She had started to dream again. A dream where even she looked beautiful. A dream where they held each other’s hand. A dream where they were together.

“I don’t mind even if you can’t see me. But I want you to have a life that you deserve. Money can’t be the obstacle. I will get your vision back. No matter how much it costs”, she had promised. Now, after 6 months, she had gathered enough money perform an operation on his eyes. It had cost her everything. Her life’s savings, her investments and her jewelries. But nothing was worth his happiness. The least she had expected was his smile when he first looked at her. But it was destroyed. All of it.

“I don’t deserve this”, she cried aloud, throwing a stone at the mirror. The scattered pieces multiplied her ugliness. She looked into them for a long time and just smiled. She knew it is time. Time when she had lost her last hope. Time when she cannot take it anymore. She slowly walked towards balcony. She looked down and closed her eyes. Without a second thought, she jumped from the floor. She did not feel scared. She was simply at peace. For it was her last moment of torture.

Senseless nonsense!

I want to hug you tightly. A little aggressively, may be. A hug that tells you how much I need you. You might resist, not because of the fear, but because of the inexpressible  nervousness. I want to feel that sweet aroma of your body, that washed and then slightly dried hair of yours, those silky lips wearing light colored gloss, and those eyes! How madly I am in love with your eyes. They have all the expressions. Of need, of love, of helplessness, of fear and of lust, too. You are like my alcohol. Giving me temporary pleasure but killing me from inside, slowly and sweetly. I know it and still I want you in my life. For a moment, I want you to forget everything and be a part of me, mentally and physically. Yes, love, when reached to its madness, doesn't stop on heart. It needs everything, flesh, bones and blood.

How does it feel to lose someone you truly care about? How does it feel to see eventually your love turning into hatred? How does it feel when someone who is world to you, betrays you right in front of your eyes? How does it feel to turn into a person who cannot feel anything anymore?

All my hatred, all my frustration, all my sadness, all my love fail to give my expressions that understandable form of words. The more I try to go back to my normal life, the more senseless my writing becomes. Everything is hidden beneath a mask. Everyone is confused. Some do not know when to start and some do not know how to start . At time, life doesn't make sense. 

Oh Thou Mighty Maid!

“Saheb, Mai nahi aa rahi aaj, khana khud bana lo,” my maid shouted on phone. In my apartment, her words are final verdict.  This is not a new thing to me now. Having a maid who takes away her salary on the 1^st of every month, thereby making an intense impression about her punctuality, which she doesn't even remotely apply in her job, is a common sight in Mumbai. You can find a nice job in this city of dreams, even a true love, even a wife. But bai, and that too a hardworking-bai? Ney!

So may I introduce this one of the most typical maid creatures found in this part of world, my dear “sarla tai”.

Well, in Mumbai if you are a bachelor and that too living alone, people in the society automatically label you as “That-Guy-Stays-Alone-So-He-Gets-Laid-With-A-Different-Girl-Every-Night” kind of playboy. It took me all my sophistication to prove to other equally assholes, but hidden beneath "Married" mask people that a maid can come to my house, cook and go away without I raping her. So by mercy of the aunty next door, I was introduced to “Sarla tai”. 

When she first came to meet me, it was I who was scared to death of being robbed and then raped in my own house. “2000 rupaya legi, ek time shamko khana banayegi wo bhi 9 baje se pahele(you got the hint, right?), ek time zaadu maregi, sirf Saturday ko kapde dhoyegi subah aake, toilet-bathroom mai nahi saaf karegi  aur Sunday ko chutti hona mangta”, she said everything in one breathe, flashing her tobacco stained teeth, in her typical tapori Mumbai tone. I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me !? You give me 2000 Rs. and I will do more work than you :P". But at that point my life was just fucked up and I desperately needed a maid. So I accepted all her terms and conditions.

Gradually, hearing things like, “Cooker laga diya maine, teen sitti marne ke baad band karneka, mereko aur bhi kaam hai, ja rai mai”, “Aaj bedroom nahi zadungi to kya bura ho jayega?” “Itna clean chahiye sab to khud zaadu marneka ek baar aur, waise bhi akele hi to sote ho. Kaunsi ladkiya aati hai yaha? ”,  “Mai do din nahi aa rahi, aaj 25^th hai, siddha 1^st ko aaungi (hain? 2 din? :P) salary lene”, “Sunday ke saath Saturday bhi chutti diya ho kya hota?, 5 din to karti na itni mehnat mai (Mehnat? Scratches his balls - because hair is too mainstream??)” , have become an integral part of my life.

For grocery shopping, I hand her over 1000 Rs. each month, along with a list, that at the most costs 700-800, but I never get money back. Despite all rudeness, she is really a nice person at heart. There was a time when I was ill and she took care of me like my own mother for 3 days. There was a time when she told me things about her drunken husband and all the worries she had. How she alone slogs to support her entire family.  But over the time, it became almost impossible for her to manage all the work in the evening. I never complained when she did not show up even for weeks. Last month, she came only for 3 days in the entire month, still I did not say anything. The main reason was, I felt I was under her debt for taking care of me when I was sick. And besides, considering her worries, it was not really a big deal to pay her that much money for whatever she does for me. I don’t know how, but she managed to come to me day before and said, “aap bohot acche ho saheb. Mai itni chuttiya marti fir bhi kabhi kuch nahi bola aapne. Yaha koi samajhta nahi itna. Lekin mereko bhi lag raha hai ke aise haram ka paisa nahi khaneka.” Mai na chhod rahi aajse. Hua to dekhti hu koi acchi kaam karne waali bai aapke liye. Waise aap khud bhi acche se kar lete to tension nahi leneka. Milungi kabhi”, she said with a heavy heart and returned me her last month’s salary despite my attempts to persuade her to keep it.

That was really noble of her. Just one day gone and I already miss her presence. Most of the times, It was me who used to cook and she used to taste it. Half an hour of her typical tapori language and her drama would made my mood fresh like anything. Anyway, things should move on, so should life. :) Long live, Sarla tai.

Changing Times.

My heart is drenched in blood. Still it’s not painful. I am yearning for pain, for love, for sting, for itch. My brain cells are buried under the weight of hurt caused by the unexpected. I finish my dinner unwillingly, drink water, wash my hands, wipe my lips and face with a napkin, fold it back and keep it on the table, clean the dishes, stand up and tiptoe to the roof. Standing on the edge of the height, I look down. Arrays of red and yellow lights are in quest to overtake each other. The life is all about overtaking or stumbling behind, I think. I lit a cigarette. It’s been 2 months I last touched it. But I need it today, desperately. I look at the time. It’s half past three. Sometimes you get so engrossed in something, you forget the existence of time. Why am I so left behind in the race when my intentions were honest and my love was pure? I think. May be because I did not get enough time to communicate? Or May be because someone else was already there occupying my place? Or maybe because distance does the trick? If I were with her all the time, would the things have been same? I don’t think so. The more you know about the person, the more you start liking him/her. Eventually, the good/the bad/the ugly/the rich/the poor, everything boils down to void. Yes, time is one ruthless bastard. It takes away the hardest of the pain, does things which we never think of. Unfortunately, I did not get the privilege of time. Someone else did. Sheer luck, as we call it. This entire dilemma has scattered away my self-confidence. My player image has somehow returning back to haunt me. All I did was to love someone. Honestly. Words never fail me to express. Then why is that I came to this stage? Girls are complicated creatures. No wonder it’s impossible to figure out what a woman wants. They behave two faced, securing all the options. When it comes to love matters, they are confused and cautious as always. A guy lacks rational thinking in love matters. He does what his heart says. 

A biker loudly honks horn on the road, bringing me back to the conscious stage. I cannot bear noise nowadays. Not a bit. Even slightest disturbance makes my brain cells tear apart. Sometimes, I literally hit my head against the wall, hoping to get rid of the severe headache. Yes, migraine is back as well. It took me so long to fight it. But it came back like Karma. “Too much stress and thinking”, doctor had warned. This is not what I deserve for being honest, I cry aloud. Unfortunately, there is no one to hear me. Who imagined my life would be like this all of a sudden? I have lost that charm. And for whom? And WHY? I honestly don’t know why! I have started hating girls. Stopped talking with everybody. Even my best friends. It’s funny how some experiences make your opinion so generalize. I love, I try to show, I then try to hide, I talk, I then go silent, I stare, I then don’t even look, I come out of it for some time, I then go much deeper. Ah! Love is a bitch.

I hear screeching sound of my heart and head. I am well aware of the result, but my yearning for pain suddenly swells. No. I am not a person who gives up things so easily. And pain? I have learned to laugh at it. I had seen worse. This phase shall pass.

My feet trembles, but my determination doesn't.

P.S. After pondering over for a long time, I have decided to come back to blogger! Thanks a lot guys for your inspiration and support. And more importantly, thanks for not leaving me and having faith in me :) 

Oh Womaniya ! :)

Yes, it was you (Eve), who was responsible for the fall of man. Yes, also agree that it was your (Draupadi) giggle that started the Mahabharata. You (Sita) were responsible for Ramayana, also agree with that part. You (Helen) burnt Troy, agree. You are responsible for some of the greatest (Taj Mahal) and the worst events of mankind, accepted. But why did that happen? It is because; we (men) need you. We’ll burn the world, wipe away humanity, and fight against God, for we need you. Bats are blind by nature, whereas though we have eyes, we are blind by character. It is you, who fills in the light in our lives and shape our character, so that we live like an honest man.

You (Mom) are always considered to be the weaker sex, but I understand your strength, for you bore me in your womb for 9-months and did almost all the daily routines and your man (father) only watched and helped a bit, which was his best. You bled, so that I may live. Your strength is what makes me breathe today, and makes me part of the stronger sex. Today, I proudly announce to the world that, I have a heart of a man and strength because of you. If anyone comes up to me, and says: ‘Don’t be a girl dude, be a man’, I’ll with an elan say, ‘I don’t mind being a woman, for my mother is one’. Next time someone says you are weaker, tell them about the son you have.
You (Mom) are considered to be nagging, but later I realized that it is your constant nagging, that today makes me keep my room clean, walk straight upright, close my mouth while I sleep, pick up the rice bits after dinner- so that cockroaches do not roam around, write in good hand-writing, keep my computers motherboard intact by dusting it regularly, keep the required change in my pocket so that I can easily buy a bus ticket, treat girls with respect. Please don’t stop nagging, I may ask you to shut up like I always did, but you please don’t stop it, just like you never did.

You (Granny) are considered to be an old story teller and repetitive, but it is what gives me that extra answer to win in the tie-breaker of a quiz, a story to tell the little kids to keep them entertained, to tell my friends the history of a place to score that extra brownie-points. You are the reason I have preserved the ethics, the values, the culture for which people around me admire me. Today, when you are no longer a part of this earth, I miss you even more. I miss your basen laddoos, I miss the ways you protected me from my parents bash, when I did naughty things. You are the reason I had awesome childhood. You are the reason I valued my principles and morals in life. I hope one day, you will look from the sky, and be proud about your grandson's achievements. 

You (sister) are considered to be the one throwing tantrums, but this is what makes me get my shirt ironed by just dropping you at the bus-stop. Your tantrums, keeps my room clean, your tantrums give storyline to my blogs. Your tantrums, makes me know, how much you love me, when I am sick. If it weren’t for your tantrums, I would not have known the art of combing my hair well, cleaning my shoes and get things from dad, which only your tantrums could do. If I had never fought with you for the TV remote, I would have never hated ‘Bobby Darling’, ‘Ektha-Kapur’, ‘saas-bahu sobs’. Keep throwing your tantrums, keep acting pricey, it helps me, with Dad and with other girls and for keeping me away from the TV-ghost. For without your tantrums and pampering, I would have never missed you, when you’d leave me. I feel jealous of the people who have you. I always yearned to be a brother. But I guess I am not that lucky. But nevertheless, that doesn't stop me from admiring this form of you!

You (friend), people say bitch about others, you are branded as gossip-monger, but if it weren’t for you, I would have never known the news about the most happening things, I wouldn’t have been on guard against the cunning foxes and vixen, I wouldn’t have laughed out till I cried at someone with a bad hair day, I would not have understood the difference between pale yellow and lemon yellow colors. It is because, you are in my life, I can cry in a corner and still not be laughed at. It is because of you I’d still have a friend no matter how many times you get hooked up or break-up unlike guys, whose friendship and time lasts only till he finds a girl. Spread gossips, bitch about others and keep me close to your heart, for you are the one who keeps me sane and hopeful.

You (Love); most of them say is a headache, a burdened commitment. But am glad, I’ll someday have you. For then I shall know, how to look at life in a different way. If I wouldn’t have this headache, I would never shaved properly, never eat in the best restaurants, would not work that extra hard to earn that little extra, would never stop smoking and boozing, I would not enjoy the rains. Someday hope you will give me these headaches, for I want to understand people’s emotion, write the best romantic poems of my life, and plan for the future. I am still looking for you! Hope you will come soon, for my life without you, has no meaning.

You (wife), they say is a trouble. But I am happy I‘ll have joyful troubles. Trouble of being a man, trouble of keeping my woman happy, trouble of being a rock-star’s father, trouble of taking you to the most exotic places on earth, trouble of spending and saving money, trouble of being addressed as someone’s hubby, trouble of crying with you, laughing with you, sharing a life with you. You will be one precious gem that I will preserve for a lifetime. Without you, I’d be happily left alone, with no one to wish on my birthday and no one to cry when I’d die. So keep making troubles in my life and give me kids, who’d make my life happily-miserable. For I want life, and for that I need you as a trouble.

I do not how else to thank you, you exist in different forms, from being the one who makes sure I’m never late to the office, to the one who nurses me when lying hopelessly on a hospital bed. We need alcohol in our systems to have guts and speak the truth, but you do it just like any other thing. It helps. You taught me the first alphabet, and you make me write Romeo & Juliet kind of stories. You are the life of a song and the death behind the death-meal. You are the soul of Titanic movie and the brains behind simple but most essential things. Unless you point out to me, I would not even know, who my father is. Einstein swears by you, a baby hopes by you, Edison learns from you, a Kolkattan destitute smiles by you(Mother Theresa) and irony is, even a pimp lives by you. You are degraded by some of us, yet we hold you the most dearest in our lives. You may well be just a rib of Adam, but you are the breath and reason behind every man.

To all the lovely women in my life, who are present now, and would come in as I move-on in life. Love to you. May your lives shine, so that I’ll be fine, I may sound like a selfish dog, but in your case, I am happy to even be a dog, for I wish to be faithful.

Dedicated to all the wonderful women in my life (the ones who are present, the ones to come).

P.S. I found this article in my old mails. I just edited it a bit. :). Not sure who the actual owner is.

The other aspect of Life.

Again, long time huh? :) I went through the blogs of all my dear follower friends, and was saddened to see, that, like me, most of them have not updated their blog. Well, they might have their reasons, just like I have my own. Chintan, if you ever read this, please add me to your invited readers' list. I am a huge fan of your articles. But sadly, I guess it is now open for invited readers only. I am trying since 1 month, but I have no idea how to contact you. Mirage, drag that asshole to the court for copying your contents :D  Aliza jee, add in your invited reader's list, NOW! :(. TOSM, if you ask me, you still are "very much you" :). RED, God doesn't have ego clashes :P prey! :) And yes, fill your cavity! And last, but certainly not least, my dear Soumya (Hope you don't get offended by the "dear" word now) :), I loved your Honest posts. I Wish you and Cal live a happy life ever after!

I didn't go to office for two days. I wasn't feeling like. There is nothing/no one in the office that motivates me to go. The concept of having office friends around after office hours is gradually diminishing. People here barely talk something other than work, let alone spending quality time after office hours. I have never lived my life like this, so it makes things difficult at times.

Flat shifting. Another cruel joke faith played on me. I was very much happy with my old fashioned but convenient flat. But thanks to my father's surprise visit. I hate surprise visits. Specially when they are from my parents. That So called sucky device called mobile started showing my mother's number at an ungodly hour of morning 5. The first thought that crossed my mind was, "Is everything okay at home?" I prayed to God for the first time in my life. But alas, I should have prayed for myself instead. As soon as I picked the phone,  my mother shouted, "Beta, we are outside your flat. Please come down!". I literally went numb at that moment. I mean come on! This is not fair! I might have been awarded some world record for cleaning my flat in about 2 minutes and 30 seconds, which includes hiding all the underwear, shorts and other not-so-showable stuff, all the bear bottles, cigarrate packets, putting new bed sheets, spraying room with at least 2 full sized air fresheners and what not. Anyway, mother, being a women kind, was suspicious about the sudden freshener's fragrance in my flat. But since I am good with the words, that part went well.

One look at the flat and my father was like, "you can't live in here. End of the discussion. Period." I rebelled, gave my reasons of staying in that flat, but he was determinant. I hate his contacts and reputation. He made only ONE call and my new flat was arranged within 2 hours. No brokerage, No deposit. But now, instead of paying 7 grands, I will have to pay 10 grands. Well, it sucks. But considering that flat and locality, I guess it is worth it. Being a poor son of a rich father has its own advantages and disadvantages. I took 2 days leave from office, but my father shifted my luggage within 4 hours. Since he had some meeting to attend, my parents left on the same day. Since I wasn't feeling like going to office, for remaining 2 days, all I did was to wander in the city.

I went into the restricted areas of Mumbai. I went to Dharavi, the biggest slum area in Mumbai. At the entrance, there was one police constable who stopped me, saying that this locality is very dangerous. I just smiled and said, " I will manage". At the worst what could happen? Loot? Murder? My life is not that cheap that somebody can take it without my permission. And scariness? It's a feeling that I have abandoned long ago. When I am not afraid of death, I am certainly not afraid of anything else in this world. So I went to observe life. Life of the people who barely manage to live. Who don't care about these glorious flats in a 10 story buildings or locality. Whose only aim is to survive for the day. I went deep inside the slum area. I saw children who were hungry and diseased. Adults, who were carrying weapons, who have entered into the life of crime, because they tried so hard for an honest work but the fucking government can't even give them a job of 100 rs/day. I met with young women, whose husband/family forced them into the heinous job of prostitution. Their beauty, or even worse, their gender has now become their curse. But I observed one thing, at least they all looked happy and satisfied with their lives, no matter how hard it is for them to survive. Again, I just smiled. When I wander in the elegant and sophisticated localities, where people travel by Porsche or Mercedes, all I could see is depressed faces or fake smiles. They seem so irritated, stressed. That makes me think, can money really buy happiness? What about satisfaction? You can't buy it. It has to come from within.

We are so busy in finding the answers that we don't actually understand the questions.

I am legend ! (Zinda Hu re mai) :)

Ahh.. So much to catch up! I miss my blogger friends, their articles. I do read your posts guys. It's just I am not getting time to catch up with you. Once this phase is over, we would be together :)


 I am one of those idiots who take critical decisions of life according to mood swings and then regret it for a life time. Resigning my job is one such example. I know I have been cribbing about my job since a while, but quitting it when the experts have predicted a recession, and that too without having any other offer in hand, is a foolish step. Now job hunting is on my nerves. It's not that I won't get a job within 3 months notice period. I certainly (hopefully?) will. The only problem is I cannot be choosy. Let's see how it goes :| Pray for me and you will get a treat, if I get my desired job :)


Petrol hike. Another cruel joke fate (or govt?) played on me. I mean come on! I was a pedestrian for one goddamn year. Only when I finally got a bike, these bloody prices are soaring. Now I am thinking to sell the bike and buy a bicycle. If this rising in price continues, soon my take home salary won't be able to take me home :(


I*fy freezes salary hike. Either these people are a bunch of dumb asses or they don't at all care for their employees. After NRN's retirement, I*fy is no longer a brand name or "a leader" as they quote it. Working hours, appraisals, policies, salary and many other things are there just to suck the blood of an employee. Anyway, I have already put on my papers so I don't care about it anymore.


I am definitely going to vote this time. Not because I want to see any other party in power, but I certainly don't want to see C**gre*s pimps taking decisions for common people. No matter what happens,  C**gre*s is NOT getting a chance to screw up with people's lives this  time. I am so sick of their wanton deeds, I would kill two people of G**dhi Family, Our pres*de*t, Fi**nce min*ster, Agr*cu**ural min*ster, min*ster of home aff**irs, min*ster of petrol**m and na*ural gas. (Not PM, huh? No need. Kill G**dhi and he is anyway gone!) and then happily commit suicide, if that is the price I need to pay. And I mean it. (Yeah, Ka*il S**el, Monitor this blog, if you can, and shut it down, I don't give a fuck! ). So if you haven't voted till date, I request you to consider it this time. Please. Every vote does count. It's high time that We, the young crowd, need to take things seriously.


Well, that's all as of now. See you guys soon. Bu-bye bros and sissies, and girls! ;)

"Out of Mind" Reply!

I am currently out of my mind. But you may leave a message!

Regards,

A Careless Blogger with a fucked up life!

Rape of a poor language ;)

Few people are bad with grammar and languages. But raping it to the core is a different thing altogether. My higher authorities, for example, speak like a random word generator software. It’s like they know the words necessary to complete the sentence but they just put them in any order, irritating readers/listeners to the extent that we literally scratch our hair. As these people are born entrepreneurs, they refuse to abide by the grammar rules and instead, create their own “raped” version of a sentence. Here are some golden sentences from my friends and some other people.

   If you want(have?) any issues, mail me.

   Why the heck I want to do that?

   You are confusion.

   Asshole, say this to your child. I am not confusion. I have a confusion.

   Please be on top of this issue.

   Thank God, you are courteous enough not to mention the position!

   I am having a bad headache today

   Yeah, as If I get a good one

   This issue is very erotic no?

    Sir, you speak like this in front of the people whose first language is English. And then you complain why aren't we getting enough business from these clients. It’s erratic , you hole.

   (To a Girl) – You will work down with Manoj!

   No wonder I didn't see that girl again.

   I am taking my “wife’s back” to  a doctor

   Haha, lets just hope buddy. You get the point. Don’t you?

   I am taking leave for 2 weeks. So you can expect my absence in that duration

   How hard was that to guess, huh?

   You did it tomorrow, no?

    I just can't take it when people append a "no" to every sentence they speak. And Nope, I will do it yesterday!

   I will brief you "in detail" about this topic today

   Thank you sir, thank you very much. Only Rajnikant or you can do it.

   Would you like to “cum” with me? Ping me.

   No thanks, I would rather “cum” alone :P

  

An unconventional valentine Story

This is the first time I felt it worthwhile to post someone's article on my blog. A must read :)

Splash story winners…

This story won the third prize. But it simply deserves the first place. Truly amazing.

Do take sum time to read it. An unconventional valentine story…

Third Place - Prathama Plakkatt

Valentine’s Day is not just for the young or for lovers. It’s the day we celebrate love with person whom we love most and whom we want in our life forever! This fictitious story is about one such person.

Prakriti, as I am called, was born to a single mother but it was when I grew up that I realized the stigma attached to it. So we both went far away from the people who knew us and whom we knew to started life anew, me as student and mom as a teacher. As time flew by, I had become a successful pediatrician, on the way, achieving a state and university ranks and many accolades!

One day as I was at work, I got a call from mom asking me if I can come home a bit early than usual. I felt something amiss as mom never called me during work hours. I immediately applied for an emergency leave and left for home.

The moment I saw her, I rushed to her and hugged her. I felt her softness – she was so soft, her skin full of wrinkles and her warmth had unlimited love – love that you can receive from no other than a mother! I wanted her hug for a long long time, I never wanted her to take her hands off me, but then she pulled me back and took me to her room. In all these years that I was striving for my achievement I had never once gone into her room. But after all these years, I felt like I was entering a museum – that had every single memory, every single achievement, the simplest of the simple beauties of my life!

My mom opened a small box and placed it in front of me and asked me to open it. I thought she had brought some jewellery but to my surprise it was something extraordinary, something precious, something even money can’t buy! She had collected all the things, the tiniest of the tiniest things that I had thrown away – there were hair pins, ribbons, small buttons of my dress, toys, clips, the friendship band that I had got from my friends, greeting cards, the dresses that had torn and I had asked them to use it as spare cloth, rubber bands, the flowers that I had thrown away after cultural programs, the pens, pencils, crayons, painting box and brushes, dissection instruments, nose rings, bangles, earings, bracelets, the letters that I had written to her when I was away from her and even one of my tooth that had fallen – the list is endless. It was a box filled with memories, a box more precious that anything else in this world. She told me how she would look into that each night before sleeping so that she felt closer to her daughter. My eyes moistened on seeing that, I could not speak, I had done an unrepairable wound in my mother’s heart, but she never once complained, even now when she opened the box! I regretted – regretted for not caring for my mom, for my own selfishness, for my own happiness that I had got by suppressing my mom’s wishes and most of all not giving her my TIME – something that will never ever come back.

After a long silence she asked me “Can you be my valentine?” I was speechless! I checked the date – it was 14th February. All through my growing years I had celebrated this day with friends, enjoyed a lot, I had got many gifts too but never once had I thought that my mom could become my Valentine! How wrong I was!

As my eyes filled with tears, mom’s face blurred. I realized what true meaning of Valentine was. All I could say was a simple “YES!” - And it was forever the best Valentine’s Day for me – for life!

The Corporate Creatures! ;)

 “I-know-how-to-use-my-charm" girls
These girls are usually blessed with an angelic/pretty face and a perfect body. They define the word "beauty". And the worst part is, they know what they are and how to use their charm. They don’t really need to struggle in order to get the work done. Be it a coding assignment, which they pass on to their colleagues by saying “DEAR,(yes, this much is sufficient for a guy) could you do it for me, please?” or a leave application to be approved my their managers. They spend half of their office time over phone or talking nonsense (or in washrooms, for that matter!) and still manage to get the best rating by their mere charm. Everyone in the team including married bastards try hard to hit on them and these girls don’t mind. For it serves their purpose too to have a licking puppy. These girls usually neglect people who have no commanding position in the project and chess after people like team leaders or managers who are responsible for hike in the paycheck. They are pain-in-the-ass for people who slog almost 10 hours a day in office and still get no credit, because higher authority prefers to scan these girls’ inner-wears rather than checking other's sucking line of codes. 

“Mustache-girls-with-sucky-dressing-sense”

Honey, I agree God has not given you a cute face or a nice body. May be he was in depression while creating you! But least you can do on your part is to make yourself presentable. I mean, you get the paycheck every month. Ever given it a thought to buy something useful? Umm. How about a razor? And sensible girls do not wear sport shoes on a salwar kameez, a dark lipstick on already dark face, slippers on sari. So on and so forth!

“committed-to-work-girl”
A rare type, indeed, when it comes to GIRLS. (Feel offended? Drag me to the court!). These girls either have no personal life, or don’t know how to use their charm or simply don’t prefer to use it or are carrier oriented. They may be good looking, but in most of the cases, they are not. So they bypass the trouble of people hitting on them and make sure they utilize their office time well, in learning the actual work. They don’t have to butter every other lusty bastard in the project to get their promotion. They don’t bitch about other people, or even about bitches. They fight alone and their work says it all.  

“Girls-with-no-knowledge-but-good-presentation-skills”

    They know what to ask and when to ask. By using this dangerous weapon called "word", they create such an impression that people actually think these girls are master resource of the project. Well, the truth is, if you observe it keenly, they have a repeated pattern of when to nod, when to say yes, when to raise a doubt. They are masters when it comes to using perfect timing and situations. In actuality, they don't even have a slightest idea about the work and they tremble when you press things a bit deeper. Marketing genius, I call them! Who gives a fuck about what work they do as long as they know how to allude senior authority with their presentation skills? 


 “Good-for-nothing" girls

    Take negative points from all above points and combine them into one loser. You will get your "good-for-nothing" girls. They have the most depressing face on the earth, hairy hands/mustache, no knowledge, no charm, no dressing sense, no social manners, inferiority complex and no presentation skills. They still survive in the industry. Phew, hats off. Being a girl helps sometimes, huh?


 Decent girls

    They come to office only to work and nothing else. Well mannered and quite knowledgeable. It really doesn't matter whether they are good looking or not, have a nice dressing sense or not. All that matters is they are good at heart and are always willing to share other's responsibility. They are dedicated to work and yet know how to enjoy life. They never behave like a bitch even when they don't get promoted or credit of work. Instead, they try to work hard next time. They can be your good office friends, a resting shoulder in your hour of needs. They mind their own business. They come to office, work, go home. As simple as that. Respect for such girls.


 A Perfect corporate beauty

   These girls are very good at what they do. They are gifted with stunning beauty and are knowledgeable too. They don't need to use their gifted beauty for getting the hikes. Instead, they let their performance do all the talk. Nonetheless, they posses the killer ability to sugar quote their work with advertising. If performance fails, they still know how to get the promotion by using other things. But at least they define their standards and don't let every tom-dick-harry cross their path. 
  
The nagging bastards

   These assholes are never happy with what they get. Be it a promotion or a project or something else. They just send a wave of frustration among their colleagues and are looked down upon. They are responsible for all the negative energy in the team. They always fart frustration. No matter what the situation is, they lose!

"I-know-it-all" boys”

   These creatures consider themselves the pinnacle of the company. Ask them anything and they will have an answer. (Not necessarily the right answer!). They never skip a chance to boast about their achievements. These guys usually suck at building rapport with other people due to this egoistic/flamboyant nature and end up scoring lowest, be it in promotion or impressing girls.

    
 The "cool" dudes
  These guys know how to impress higher authority despite being a guy! They have knowledge, good convincing skills, know how to advertise their work when necessary and have a good impression on girls. People don't usually utter bad things about them, even behind their back. They go well along with any kind of people and are good at heart



 Lusty fuckers

   These guys have an inbuilt scanner in their eyes. They scan each and every girl from top to bottom and usually find something good in ANY girl (of course, only physically). They don't really bother or complain about their type of work but yes, put them in a project where there are no girls and they develop suicidal tendencies.


    So which category do you fall in? ;)


    P.S. I am back! For those who thought I will commit suicide after what they have done to me, well, not so easy suckers! Now it's revenge time.
   P.S.1 There is something terribly wrong with the indentation. I can't figure out why. (Yes, I am an IT engineer!) :P

A screaming heart

Dear Blog,


It's been quite sometime I didn't visit you. Trust me, this is not what I ever wanted. You are a part of me that cannot be separated. No one is able to figure out what is wrong. Well, to some extend I know. People say I am a fighter. Screw the people. I once was. There is no fighting back when fate decides to fuck you. I still try. I have always tried. Friends wonder about my drastically changing nature. They say I am no longer charming, I have lost it ! They say I seem depressed. They complain I never tell anyone what is wrong in my life. They are right. I like to keep things to myself. The incidences in early childhood have made me that way. I trust only myself. I don't like anyone's sympathy or advises. Life has never been fair to me. Did I ever complain? At least I don't remember cribbing about my problems. I stand upright and I face them. I always did. 


Till date, no body has ever been able to figure out the intensity of pain behind this ever smiling face. But I guess you know it all, don't you? Remember our first encounter when I was 10 years old? You were a diary then. Remember the things I went through? Those insults, tortures? infinite sleepless nights? That inability to find a single person to talk to? These things are locked somewhere in your pages. It took me years to be what I am today. You know that everything was next to impossible. Did I ever give up? People say I am a role model for them. They say they want to be like me. Do I consider this as my achievement? Why don't I feel happy about it anymore? Only you and I know what had happened in past one month. Tell me, did I ever do something wrong to anybody? Did I hurt anybody in my life? You know I am a good person. I know I have dozens of friends who are there for me. So why is that my life keeps fucking me every now and then? Why am I having problems in every aspect of life? Am I turning into a beast and a loner? I need to get out of this. The fucking fate/luck can't write my life the way it wants. I won't let it do it. I am working on things. One at a time. I know it will take time. But you have to keep your faith in me. I have to keep faith in myself. I won't let my life go back to the time when it was nothing. I am a born bellicose. Trust me, Mani will be back. Rocking and Kicking.


Dear Followers/Readers/Friends,


I am glad to see that you are still there with me. It means a lot. A strong bond I share with you guys which cannot be expressed in words. I don't get time even to visit you people, to see what is happening in your life, but you still understand me. Thanks for being there. Just hang on a little longer, I will be back with my stupid comedy articles ! :)

Sex and The Mentality !

/***Disclaimer : This post is not meant to offend anyone's views. And I am NOT provoking sex here. I am just trying to explain my views. Respect to the people who think otherwise! ***/


"What exactly do they do in blue films?" one teenager asked another. I was sitting at some local tea stall and this group of 5 boys was having a conversation about what sex is all about.
I was surprised as they were very young (not more than 15 years). 15 years? I mean come on! Till my early 20s, I firmly used to  believe that only kissing makes someone pregnant and masturbating leads to AIDS. Generation gap it is, I think. "Dude, you are such a dumb! They do all the positions in blue films. I am even working on my stamina. You need to hold at least for 20-30 mins!"  The confidence in his voice made me feel sad. Not the stamina part, but the way by which they were trying to understand this sex thing.


Sex is something we (specially Indian)people avoid to discuss. Since decades, our so called priests, sages, pandits and other religious people have created so much hype about topics like presence of god, love, bramhacharya etc and on the other hand, same people have succeeded poisoning the very core of this feeling. This antagonism of religion against sex drives me crazy. Aren't they sides of the same coin? Sex is one of the irresistible feelings God have given to mankind (or every animal on planet, for that matter). So if sex is dirty, doesn't that mean the God you believe in is also dirty?


We are curious creatures by nature and our mind mostly gets attracted to the things we are forbidden to think of. Parents don't discuss sex talk with their children. No wonder we grow up having this thing all the time on our minds. Thanks to the society and it's decades old rules! You don't give sex education, youth will learn it anyway. So rather than they learning it from dirty books/magazines/porn sites, isn't it better to give them a crystal clear idea of what it is all about? 
Even after so much modernization of our society, people still hesitate to go to the chemist and buy a condom. If somebody does try, people around(sometimes even the chemist himself!) give him a look as if he has committed a serious crime and should be punishable by death!


Fortunately, I have had people in my family who taught me the essence of this eternal feeling. I have read more than n number of books to understand it. Right from the origin to methods and views of people about it. And trust me, to understand the sex is a complicated procedure. When girls see me talking/having books about it in my shelf, they are like "YUK!" you discuss/read THAT? and when boys find it out, normally their question is, "Please tell me how to do it better?(As if I am a sex-guru! :( ) You have an encyclopedia with you". Both opinions I find pretty irritating.

I laugh on people when they say sex is dirty, animalistic, different than love or when they just cut the topic in the middle of a discussion, avoiding it altogether.

So let me clear these things for you!

1.Isn't sex animalistic?

YES. It is. But aren't you forgetting something honey? Man IS an animal. As much of an animal as any other animal. But that doesn't  mean man finishes with animality here. He can be far more than animal and far less than animal. That is the glory of being human. Our infinite potentiality gives us the freedom and the danger, the agony and the ecstasy, the longing and the suppression. It is as simple as that. we get to choose ! Since the origin of mankind, man has killed infinite number of same/other species through war, murder and what not. And you call sex animalistic? Animals have never been more animalistic than man. Sex can be animalistic, but it can also raise to higher level. It can become love or divine prayers. It all depends on you. Sex is nothing like a fixed entity, it's just a possibility. You can make it the way you want ! Period.

2. sex is YUK. sex is dirty!/ I hate sex/I can represses my desires.

Slap hard on the face of whosoever says this to you!(except the elder ones, of course! Respect). Neither love is the first stage of a feeling nor sex is the last! They both go hand in hand to achieve the ultimate. But again, thanks to the religious people who have poisoned all mankind with their gyan! And this is going on since decades and has become a part of our mentality. Do you even know the origin why it all started? I do. I am someone who believes only in facts and evidences. But every-time I try to open my mouth, somebody shuts me down. Hating it is simply repressing it. Don't you know that whatsoever is repressed will come up the one way or other? The other ways lead to anger, guilt, agony, hate, unstable mind, which, when combined together, create a disaster. Ever wondered why do people rape or murder someone? Or why teenagers are so much desperate to get into a sex relationship? The origin lies somewhere in your repression. Remember, sex is natural. Don't even try to find out a substitute for it. Substitutes don't help, they CANT help! Also, sex is mortal, Religion is doing what you have been told, no matter what is right. Mortality is doing right things, no matter what you have been told.

Be natural if you want to go beyond nature, be rooted in your body if you want to become a soul, be rooted in sex if you want to become a lover! Yes, the more energy is converted into love, less and less interested you will become in sex, but you will then not hate it.

Understand why the process was created in the first place. Understand why not to overdo it, understand the motive of sex being irresistible, understand why it is a divine feeling and where it can lead you to. Understand why our society is not willing to give up it's conventional thinking. Understand why religious people have poisoned the mentality of people about sex. Most importantly, understand that sex is not the problem, lust is. When you put all these pieces together, may be my pravachan will make sense to you!


P.S. So much from a guy who have not had sex yet ! :P :D


P.S.1 - Ahh..Could somebody please give me pointers to how to add "you may also like" links below the posts? I am too lazy to dig it out from blogger. Thanks in advance

Pain-in-the-ass-habits !

Habits describe human nature. Don't they? But nowadays, mine are such a pain in the ass. I don't know what is wrong, but past two weeks, few things have turned into a weird routine. Mind you, what you are about to read are just two weeks older! But bitches are getting consistent each passing day.


1. It's getting colder here day after day. I usually take bath with cold water. Nowadays, after entering the bathroom, all I do is stare at that icy water, wondering what to do with it. How am I supposed to take bath with that icy bitch? So I just stare for 5 mins and all of a sudden I take that bucket full of water on my body. Sigh! No wonder I feel sick. 
P.S. I do have a geyser in my bathroom. Am I dumb?


2. Every night I swear to God that I will keep my door key in place. I never do. It specially irritates me to the core. Because I am obsessed with this organization thingy. In my room, you won't find a thing moved an inch away from its place. But when it comes to the door key, I get screwed. Now missing the office bus or running after it is a part of my life. I get up exactly half an hour before arrival of the bus and I spend at least 10 mins searching for this damn key ! I mean how hard is to get a key-chain or place the key on the table?


3. I spill milk almost everyday. To break this routine, I used to stand in front of gas like an idiot, hoping to cut off the ignition at the boiling point. 5-10 mins and nothing happens. Then I suddenly feel this urge to listen to music. So I go to bedroom, switch on my laptop and by the time I return, bang ! it's all gone. Bastard is playing with me huh?


4. I sleep chanting , "I am the master of my own bladder" The simple reason is, if I wake up to pee in the middle of night, I can't sleep afterwards. So I make sure that I drink plenty of water, pee and then sleep. And fuck! After few hours, I again wake up to pee! The more I try to not think about it, the more intense it becomes. Winter effects or bloody moody penis of mine?


5. I stare at people for no reason. Actually I have this tendency to stare at someone when I am lost in my thoughts. But nowadays, every-time I stare at someone, it happens to be a beautiful girl. No wonder I get "Mind-your-own-business-you-creep, never-saw-a-girl-before? You-horny-bastard" look. :(


6. I switch on alarm clock in my phone. I sleep for 15 mins and then convince myself that it's not on. Furious, I wake up again. Stare at it. See it is on. In frustration, turn it off and then on again. Then sleep. I still don't realize it's on for 7.30 PM and not AM. I have been doing this since 4 days now. Even apes are smarter than me !




Is the world really coming to end? Somebody save me :(

Ugh. I don't want to get married !!

Today I was looking at my blog stats which are now constantly showing a remarkable improvement. I never really cared about people viewing/not viewing my posts because I write for myself, most of the times. But alas, this bloody human nature always seeks appreciation. Though it always makes me wonder why the number of people reading my blog is never proportional to those commenting or following. I mean guys, your one extra little step to comment/feedback/(or even insult, though less preferable) makes my day and helps me improve my writing. (Of course, If my articles make sense to you, which, I assure you will be a very rare case!)


Anyway, coming back to the post. My parents and I were having serious (of course, one sided) discussion about the marriage thing. I don't understand. My parents always think I am too childish and I always behave like a kid. On the other hand, how can the same people insist me to get married every now and then. The discussion went something like this


(Scenario - Phone on speaker mode. Big deal?  I will prefer running naked on the road than talking to both my mom and dad at the same time ! And I mean it. (provided I am allowed to cover the most important body part))


Mother - So? Have you thought about your marriage?
Me : (Damn Maa, why are you so straight forward? At least don't jump to the topic right away!) -Oh please. For God's sake, I am just 24.
(And the adviser enters!) Father : I was 21 when I got married. We still live a happy life. What is wrong about it?
Me : (Oh yeah. Just because you found your pretty lady so soon. I am not that lucky)  Things were different back then ! I need to get settled first. Financially.
Father: Yeah. Talk about financial stability. Your father has enough money to let you live life of a king size. Why don't you quit that bullshit job and join me? Even I pay my people more than what you get.
Me : (Right. Whatsoever happened to "I-Want-To-Establish-My-Own, Sucking-Poor-But-OWN-Identity" concept? )(Almost shouting) Look at the petrol prizes.
Father : (Surprised)- What the hell it has to do with you? You don't even own a bike/car. You said you don't need one as of now.
Me : (Feeling like a jack-ass now) - But girls prefer guys that have a stable future (And of course, much more. But I should only talk about the things that I am capable of)
Mother - Look, I have only one son. And I want to see him get married before I die.
Me : (Now, where the heck this came from? Emotional blackmailing..I so hate it !) -There is no guarantee of life.  Even I can die before you (After-all I am your son, So I also know a bit of "How-to-return-tortures" ;))
Father : Are you dating someone? You can tell us. At least we can then stop searching girls for you. We are getting a lot of proposals from our community.
Me : (Now this is the couple that had an ..may I quote it.."inter-caste" love marriage when there were so many restrictions in the society. Still he takes care to say, "from our community". Really?  What makes you think I will marry a girl of our caste only? I could have ended this topic by saying "yes" but again, that would have led to an infinite series of questions that they don't even care about in reality, such as, "Who is she?" , "How does she look?" " Is she of our caste?", etc., so decided otherwise.) - No. I am not dating anyone. But you can still stop searching for me.
Mother : You know about %$%^ right? He is having a fat paycheck but now he has crossed age 30. No one is willing to make an alliance with him. Just don't cry once your young age is passed.
Me : (Okay. Think of it logically. He is 7 years older to me..7 fucking years. And No one is willing to make an alliance with him  because %$%^ is not only ugly but also rude and arrogant and has tons of dirty habits. Din't anyone tell you that?) - Don't worry. I will manage.
Mother : Also, You are getting bald. Aren't you? Where is your hair? I din see it last time you came home.
Me : (:Bangs his head: )I am not getting bald. I cut my hair. There is a hell of difference between these two. You had problems when I grew it up to my shoulders. Now you have problems when I keep it short. And a Girl is not going to marry me because of my hair anyways. (Just an assumption ;))
Mother : Fine. So tell us how much time you need? It takes almost a year to search for the right girl, knowing her background and all preparation stuff. Would you be interested in looking at some of the photos?
Me : (Yeah, send all of them to me along with mobile numbers :P I will then decide what to do with them ;)) -
At least 3 more years. Period. 
(After a long long pause!) Mother: This guy is impossible. (To father) You tell him.
Father : Look beta.. (And the Gyan Begins!) $@##%$^%&*^*^*#$%...
Me : (Puts the phone aside, washes his face, combs his "bald" headed hair, eats an apple and comes back) - Yes paa. I get it. I will think over it. Happy? Now please, I have a call to attend.
Father : You always avoid the topic. Don't tell me you are not interested in girls. I get that a lot now-a-days. Big city culture. 
Me: (Dumbstruck! Thinking: There was a time when even uttering the word "sex" in front of your parents could cause them a heart attack. And now the same parents are raising concerns about their son getting into a homosexual relationship. Either Indian culture is getting out if it's traditional thinking or my father has lost it. Don't worry Paa, Law 377 has not provoked me . But let's see how you can take it!)
Me : Hmm.. Not sure :P
(I din imagine that little sentence of mine could cause disaster. Within 2 mins , my mother cursed every known guy friend of mine. If she had the authority, she might have even deported them to US, the country she believes that started this trend of homosexuality, thereby reducing human species, and in turn, the number of girls her son has a shot with! But who will dare to tell her that it all started decades ago and that too in her holy India)
Me : oh stop it ! I was just kidding. I swear on you. I am straight !
Father : (still suspicious) - So why don't you want to take this marriage thing seriously?
Me : (Bite me) - I said I will think about it.
Mother : (Not willing to give up this time) - WHEN?
Me : When I get my hair back :D (Hangs up abruptly, looking in mirror and silently praying his hair to grow as slowly as possible ;))