Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Oh Thou Mighty Maid!

“Saheb, Mai nahi aa rahi aaj, khana khud bana lo,” my maid shouted on phone. In my apartment, her words are final verdict.  This is not a new thing to me now. Having a maid who takes away her salary on the 1st of every month, thereby making an intense impression about her punctuality, which she doesn't even remotely apply in her job, is a common sight in Mumbai. You can find a nice job in this city of dreams, even a true love, even a wife. But bai, and that too a hardworking-bai? Ney!

So may I introduce this one of the most typical maid creatures found in this part of world, my dear “sarla tai”.

Well, in Mumbai if you are a bachelor and that too living alone, people in the society automatically label you as “That-Guy-Stays-Alone-So-He-Gets-Laid-With-A-Different-Girl-Every-Night” kind of playboy. It took me all my sophistication to prove to other equally assholes, but hidden beneath "Married" mask people that a maid can come to my house, cook and go away without I raping her. So by mercy of the aunty next door, I was introduced to “Sarla tai”. 

When she first came to meet me, it was I who was scared to death of being robbed and then raped in my own house. “2000 rupaya legi, ek time shamko khana banayegi wo bhi 9 baje se pahele(you got the hint, right?), ek time zaadu maregi, sirf Saturday ko kapde dhoyegi subah aake, toilet-bathroom mai nahi saaf karegi  aur Sunday ko chutti hona mangta”, she said everything in one breathe, flashing her tobacco stained teeth, in her typical tapori Mumbai tone. I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me !? You give me 2000 Rs. and I will do more work than you :P". But at that point my life was just fucked up and I desperately needed a maid. So I accepted all her terms and conditions.

Gradually, hearing things like, Cooker laga diya maine, teen sitti marne ke baad band karneka, mereko aur bhi kaam hai, ja rai mai”, “Aaj bedroom nahi zadungi to kya bura ho jayega?” “Itna clean chahiye sab to khud zaadu marneka ek baar aur, waise bhi akele hi to sote ho. Kaunsi ladkiya aati hai yaha? ”,  “Mai do din nahi aa rahi, aaj 25th hai, siddha 1st ko aaungi (hain? 2 din? :P) salary lene”, “Sunday ke saath Saturday bhi chutti diya ho kya hota?, 5 din to karti na itni mehnat mai (Mehnat? Scratches his balls - because hair is too mainstream??)” , have become an integral part of my life.

For grocery shopping, I hand her over 1000 Rs. each month, along with a list, that at the most costs 700-800, but I never get money back. Despite all rudeness, she is really a nice person at heart. There was a time when I was ill and she took care of me like my own mother for 3 days. There was a time when she told me things about her drunken husband and all the worries she had. How she alone slogs to support her entire family.  But over the time, it became almost impossible for her to manage all the work in the evening. I never complained when she did not show up even for weeks. Last month, she came only for 3 days in the entire month, still I did not say anything. The main reason was, I felt I was under her debt for taking care of me when I was sick. And besides, considering her worries, it was not really a big deal to pay her that much money for whatever she does for me. I don’t know how, but she managed to come to me day before and said, “aap bohot acche ho saheb. Mai itni chuttiya marti fir bhi kabhi kuch nahi bola aapne. Yaha koi samajhta nahi itna. Lekin mereko bhi lag raha hai ke aise haram ka paisa nahi khaneka.” Mai na chhod rahi aajse. Hua to dekhti hu koi acchi kaam karne waali bai aapke liye. Waise aap khud bhi acche se kar lete to tension nahi leneka. Milungi kabhi”, she said with a heavy heart and returned me her last month’s salary despite my attempts to persuade her to keep it.

That was really noble of her. Just one day gone and I already miss her presence. Most of the times, It was me who used to cook and she used to taste it. Half an hour of her typical tapori language and her drama would made my mood fresh like anything. Anyway, things should move on, so should life. :) Long live, Sarla tai.


  1. A very good read (funny too), long live Sarla tai !
    The black background made my eyes a trifle uneasy, if you don't mind my saying so.

  2. Hey, first of all, welcome! :) Well, I will keep that in mind next time. I thought the background goes well with the font color ;) And thanks. :)

  3. And todaay my Maid did not come. HELL BROKE LOOSE. MY BACK ACHES...MY BRAIN IS DAMAGED!

  4. RED! Where on the earth are you? :( And you at least have a brain, you know ;) I don't have to worry about that part :P