Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Changing Times.

My heart is drenched in blood. Still it’s not painful. I am yearning for pain, for love, for sting, for itch. My brain cells are buried under the weight of hurt caused by the unexpected. I finish my dinner unwillingly, drink water, wash my hands, wipe my lips and face with a napkin, fold it back and keep it on the table, clean the dishes, stand up and tiptoe to the roof. Standing on the edge of the height, I look down. Arrays of red and yellow lights are in quest to overtake each other. The life is all about overtaking or stumbling behind, I think. I lit a cigarette. It’s been 2 months I last touched it. But I need it today, desperately. I look at the time. It’s half past three. Sometimes you get so engrossed in something, you forget the existence of time. Why am I so left behind in the race when my intentions were honest and my love was pure? I think. May be because I did not get enough time to communicate? Or May be because someone else was already there occupying my place? Or maybe because distance does the trick? If I were with her all the time, would the things have been same? I don’t think so. The more you know about the person, the more you start liking him/her. Eventually, the good/the bad/the ugly/the rich/the poor, everything boils down to void. Yes, time is one ruthless bastard. It takes away the hardest of the pain, does things which we never think of. Unfortunately, I did not get the privilege of time. Someone else did. Sheer luck, as we call it. This entire dilemma has scattered away my self-confidence. My player image has somehow returning back to haunt me. All I did was to love someone. Honestly. Words never fail me to express. Then why is that I came to this stage? Girls are complicated creatures. No wonder it’s impossible to figure out what a woman wants. They behave two faced, securing all the options. When it comes to love matters, they are confused and cautious as always. A guy lacks rational thinking in love matters. He does what his heart says. 

A biker loudly honks horn on the road, bringing me back to the conscious stage. I cannot bear noise nowadays. Not a bit. Even slightest disturbance makes my brain cells tear apart. Sometimes, I literally hit my head against the wall, hoping to get rid of the severe headache. Yes, migraine is back as well. It took me so long to fight it. But it came back like Karma. “Too much stress and thinking”, doctor had warned. This is not what I deserve for being honest, I cry aloud. Unfortunately, there is no one to hear me. Who imagined my life would be like this all of a sudden? I have lost that charm. And for whom? And WHY? I honestly don’t know why! I have started hating girls. Stopped talking with everybody. Even my best friends. It’s funny how some experiences make your opinion so generalize. I love, I try to show, I then try to hide, I talk, I then go silent, I stare, I then don’t even look, I come out of it for some time, I then go much deeper. Ah! Love is a bitch.

I hear screeching sound of my heart and head. I am well aware of the result, but my yearning for pain suddenly swells. No. I am not a person who gives up things so easily. And pain? I have learned to laugh at it. I had seen worse. This phase shall pass.

My feet trembles, but my determination doesn't.

P.S. After pondering over for a long time, I have decided to come back to blogger! Thanks a lot guys for your inspiration and support. And more importantly, thanks for not leaving me and having faith in me :) 


  1. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

    Why didn't you tell me about this? Maybe I could have helped. I was busy getting married I know, but I sure would have helped. Cos I know what it is to get hurt in love.

    I also know that the phase passes. More sooner than you expect it. And then love will find you again, just like it found me. And this time it will be for keeps. Just like mine.


    Migraine, take care. I have the same, so I know how much that hurts too. Don't stress much and do eat on time.

    I'm here for you, anytime. Feel free to call me and let me know if you need to talk. I'm here. Always.

    Nice to have you back. But not with this post.

  2. Hey :) Nothing much to worry about :) I am back on the track. You have become one busy girl now, so don't feel like troubling you much :) But I always know you are there for me. Thank you so much. It feels comforting.

  3. Agree with Soumya..I'm sure you are nice guy..and nice guys will always get nice girls..Dont be sad,love will find you..

    I have migraine too..Two days ago I had a bad migraine that caused me to vomit (not sure how migraine and stomach upset are related) Doctor said I'm concentrating on things too much..:(

    Take care,hope all is well with you :)

  4. TOSM :) Don't worry. Nothing can make me sad now ;) I am fine! And you too take care, mate! :)Follow up with doctor regularly :pokes:

  5. Migraine is a bitch too!!!

    Girls are simple. Love them. Truly love them with all your heart. Tell them that you love them because we need to hear it. Show it because we need to see it for our self.

    You hate girls and I hate boys. That's just peachy ;)

    I stopped talking with everybody too. For me it was easier to stop talking with everybody than to listen them discuss my feelings and me. I have literally no friends left and it sucks.

    Can I tell you something? While I was reading the post I sort of prayed and hoped for it to be purely fictional. I guess its not.

  6. Girls are simple? :P Need to think about it. And don't worry, if not purely, some parts of it were fictional. :) And if you have no friends then who am I? :( Dil tod diya oye! Mujhse jyada to aapki tension ho rahi hai mujhe :/ You okay? Ping me sometimes and we will talk :D

  7. I like to think we are :p Boys think that we're complicated so they tend to complicate things :p

    And how do i ping you?? :p

  8. ummm. on my mail id? :) me.maninavandar@gmail.com. I thought you had it :P Anyway, add me. We will talk :)