Thursday, September 26, 2013

Senseless nonsense!

I want to hug you tightly. A little aggressively, may be. A hug that tells you how much I need you. You might resist, not because of the fear, but because of the inexpressible  nervousness. I want to feel that sweet aroma of your body, that washed and then slightly dried hair of yours, those silky lips wearing light colored gloss, and those eyes! How madly I am in love with your eyes. They have all the expressions. Of need, of love, of helplessness, of fear and of lust, too. You are like my alcohol. Giving me temporary pleasure but killing me from inside, slowly and sweetly. I know it and still I want you in my life. For a moment, I want you to forget everything and be a part of me, mentally and physically. Yes, love, when reached to its madness, doesn't stop on heart. It needs everything, flesh, bones and blood.

How does it feel to lose someone you truly care about? How does it feel to see eventually your love turning into hatred? How does it feel when someone who is world to you, betrays you right in front of your eyes? How does it feel to turn into a person who cannot feel anything anymore?

All my hatred, all my frustration, all my sadness, all my love fail to give my expressions that understandable form of words. The more I try to go back to my normal life, the more senseless my writing becomes. Everything is hidden beneath a mask. Everyone is confused. Some do not know when to start and some do not know how to start . At time, life doesn't make sense. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Oh Thou Mighty Maid!

“Saheb, Mai nahi aa rahi aaj, khana khud bana lo,” my maid shouted on phone. In my apartment, her words are final verdict.  This is not a new thing to me now. Having a maid who takes away her salary on the 1st of every month, thereby making an intense impression about her punctuality, which she doesn't even remotely apply in her job, is a common sight in Mumbai. You can find a nice job in this city of dreams, even a true love, even a wife. But bai, and that too a hardworking-bai? Ney!

So may I introduce this one of the most typical maid creatures found in this part of world, my dear “sarla tai”.

Well, in Mumbai if you are a bachelor and that too living alone, people in the society automatically label you as “That-Guy-Stays-Alone-So-He-Gets-Laid-With-A-Different-Girl-Every-Night” kind of playboy. It took me all my sophistication to prove to other equally assholes, but hidden beneath "Married" mask people that a maid can come to my house, cook and go away without I raping her. So by mercy of the aunty next door, I was introduced to “Sarla tai”. 

When she first came to meet me, it was I who was scared to death of being robbed and then raped in my own house. “2000 rupaya legi, ek time shamko khana banayegi wo bhi 9 baje se pahele(you got the hint, right?), ek time zaadu maregi, sirf Saturday ko kapde dhoyegi subah aake, toilet-bathroom mai nahi saaf karegi  aur Sunday ko chutti hona mangta”, she said everything in one breathe, flashing her tobacco stained teeth, in her typical tapori Mumbai tone. I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me !? You give me 2000 Rs. and I will do more work than you :P". But at that point my life was just fucked up and I desperately needed a maid. So I accepted all her terms and conditions.

Gradually, hearing things like, Cooker laga diya maine, teen sitti marne ke baad band karneka, mereko aur bhi kaam hai, ja rai mai”, “Aaj bedroom nahi zadungi to kya bura ho jayega?” “Itna clean chahiye sab to khud zaadu marneka ek baar aur, waise bhi akele hi to sote ho. Kaunsi ladkiya aati hai yaha? ”,  “Mai do din nahi aa rahi, aaj 25th hai, siddha 1st ko aaungi (hain? 2 din? :P) salary lene”, “Sunday ke saath Saturday bhi chutti diya ho kya hota?, 5 din to karti na itni mehnat mai (Mehnat? Scratches his balls - because hair is too mainstream??)” , have become an integral part of my life.

For grocery shopping, I hand her over 1000 Rs. each month, along with a list, that at the most costs 700-800, but I never get money back. Despite all rudeness, she is really a nice person at heart. There was a time when I was ill and she took care of me like my own mother for 3 days. There was a time when she told me things about her drunken husband and all the worries she had. How she alone slogs to support her entire family.  But over the time, it became almost impossible for her to manage all the work in the evening. I never complained when she did not show up even for weeks. Last month, she came only for 3 days in the entire month, still I did not say anything. The main reason was, I felt I was under her debt for taking care of me when I was sick. And besides, considering her worries, it was not really a big deal to pay her that much money for whatever she does for me. I don’t know how, but she managed to come to me day before and said, “aap bohot acche ho saheb. Mai itni chuttiya marti fir bhi kabhi kuch nahi bola aapne. Yaha koi samajhta nahi itna. Lekin mereko bhi lag raha hai ke aise haram ka paisa nahi khaneka.” Mai na chhod rahi aajse. Hua to dekhti hu koi acchi kaam karne waali bai aapke liye. Waise aap khud bhi acche se kar lete to tension nahi leneka. Milungi kabhi”, she said with a heavy heart and returned me her last month’s salary despite my attempts to persuade her to keep it.

That was really noble of her. Just one day gone and I already miss her presence. Most of the times, It was me who used to cook and she used to taste it. Half an hour of her typical tapori language and her drama would made my mood fresh like anything. Anyway, things should move on, so should life. :) Long live, Sarla tai.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Changing Times.

My heart is drenched in blood. Still it’s not painful. I am yearning for pain, for love, for sting, for itch. My brain cells are buried under the weight of hurt caused by the unexpected. I finish my dinner unwillingly, drink water, wash my hands, wipe my lips and face with a napkin, fold it back and keep it on the table, clean the dishes, stand up and tiptoe to the roof. Standing on the edge of the height, I look down. Arrays of red and yellow lights are in quest to overtake each other. The life is all about overtaking or stumbling behind, I think. I lit a cigarette. It’s been 2 months I last touched it. But I need it today, desperately. I look at the time. It’s half past three. Sometimes you get so engrossed in something, you forget the existence of time. Why am I so left behind in the race when my intentions were honest and my love was pure? I think. May be because I did not get enough time to communicate? Or May be because someone else was already there occupying my place? Or maybe because distance does the trick? If I were with her all the time, would the things have been same? I don’t think so. The more you know about the person, the more you start liking him/her. Eventually, the good/the bad/the ugly/the rich/the poor, everything boils down to void. Yes, time is one ruthless bastard. It takes away the hardest of the pain, does things which we never think of. Unfortunately, I did not get the privilege of time. Someone else did. Sheer luck, as we call it. This entire dilemma has scattered away my self-confidence. My player image has somehow returning back to haunt me. All I did was to love someone. Honestly. Words never fail me to express. Then why is that I came to this stage? Girls are complicated creatures. No wonder it’s impossible to figure out what a woman wants. They behave two faced, securing all the options. When it comes to love matters, they are confused and cautious as always. A guy lacks rational thinking in love matters. He does what his heart says. 

A biker loudly honks horn on the road, bringing me back to the conscious stage. I cannot bear noise nowadays. Not a bit. Even slightest disturbance makes my brain cells tear apart. Sometimes, I literally hit my head against the wall, hoping to get rid of the severe headache. Yes, migraine is back as well. It took me so long to fight it. But it came back like Karma. “Too much stress and thinking”, doctor had warned. This is not what I deserve for being honest, I cry aloud. Unfortunately, there is no one to hear me. Who imagined my life would be like this all of a sudden? I have lost that charm. And for whom? And WHY? I honestly don’t know why! I have started hating girls. Stopped talking with everybody. Even my best friends. It’s funny how some experiences make your opinion so generalize. I love, I try to show, I then try to hide, I talk, I then go silent, I stare, I then don’t even look, I come out of it for some time, I then go much deeper. Ah! Love is a bitch.

I hear screeching sound of my heart and head. I am well aware of the result, but my yearning for pain suddenly swells. No. I am not a person who gives up things so easily. And pain? I have learned to laugh at it. I had seen worse. This phase shall pass.

My feet trembles, but my determination doesn't.

P.S. After pondering over for a long time, I have decided to come back to blogger! Thanks a lot guys for your inspiration and support. And more importantly, thanks for not leaving me and having faith in me :)