Saturday, December 10, 2011

Sex and The Mentality !

/***Disclaimer : This post is not meant to offend anyone's views. And I am NOT provoking sex here. I am just trying to explain my views. Respect to the people who think otherwise! ***/

"What exactly do they do in blue films?" one teenager asked another. I was sitting at some local tea stall and this group of 5 boys was having a conversation about what sex is all about.
I was surprised as they were very young (not more than 15 years). 15 years? I mean come on! Till my early 20s, I firmly used to  believe that only kissing makes someone pregnant and masturbating leads to AIDS. Generation gap it is, I think. "Dude, you are such a dumb! They do all the positions in blue films. I am even working on my stamina. You need to hold at least for 20-30 mins!"  The confidence in his voice made me feel sad. Not the stamina part, but the way by which they were trying to understand this sex thing.

Sex is something we (specially Indian)people avoid to discuss. Since decades, our so called priests, sages, pandits and other religious people have created so much hype about topics like presence of god, love, bramhacharya etc and on the other hand, same people have succeeded poisoning the very core of this feeling. This antagonism of religion against sex drives me crazy. Aren't they sides of the same coin? Sex is one of the irresistible feelings God have given to mankind (or every animal on planet, for that matter). So if sex is dirty, doesn't that mean the God you believe in is also dirty?

We are curious creatures by nature and our mind mostly gets attracted to the things we are forbidden to think of. Parents don't discuss sex talk with their children. No wonder we grow up having this thing all the time on our minds. Thanks to the society and it's decades old rules! You don't give sex education, youth will learn it anyway. So rather than they learning it from dirty books/magazines/porn sites, isn't it better to give them a crystal clear idea of what it is all about? 
Even after so much modernization of our society, people still hesitate to go to the chemist and buy a condom. If somebody does try, people around(sometimes even the chemist himself!) give him a look as if he has committed a serious crime and should be punishable by death!

Fortunately, I have had people in my family who taught me the essence of this eternal feeling. I have read more than n number of books to understand it. Right from the origin to methods and views of people about it. And trust me, to understand the sex is a complicated procedure. When girls see me talking/having books about it in my shelf, they are like "YUK!" you discuss/read THAT? and when boys find it out, normally their question is, "Please tell me how to do it better?(As if I am a sex-guru! :( ) You have an encyclopedia with you". Both opinions I find pretty irritating.

I laugh on people when they say sex is dirty, animalistic, different than love or when they just cut the topic in the middle of a discussion, avoiding it altogether.

So let me clear these things for you!

1.Isn't sex animalistic?

YES. It is. But aren't you forgetting something honey? Man IS an animal. As much of an animal as any other animal. But that doesn't  mean man finishes with animality here. He can be far more than animal and far less than animal. That is the glory of being human. Our infinite potentiality gives us the freedom and the danger, the agony and the ecstasy, the longing and the suppression. It is as simple as that. we get to choose ! Since the origin of mankind, man has killed infinite number of same/other species through war, murder and what not. And you call sex animalistic? Animals have never been more animalistic than man. Sex can be animalistic, but it can also raise to higher level. It can become love or divine prayers. It all depends on you. Sex is nothing like a fixed entity, it's just a possibility. You can make it the way you want ! Period.

2. sex is YUK. sex is dirty!/ I hate sex/I can represses my desires.

Slap hard on the face of whosoever says this to you!(except the elder ones, of course! Respect). Neither love is the first stage of a feeling nor sex is the last! They both go hand in hand to achieve the ultimate. But again, thanks to the religious people who have poisoned all mankind with their gyan! And this is going on since decades and has become a part of our mentality. Do you even know the origin why it all started? I do. I am someone who believes only in facts and evidences. But every-time I try to open my mouth, somebody shuts me down. Hating it is simply repressing it. Don't you know that whatsoever is repressed will come up the one way or other? The other ways lead to anger, guilt, agony, hate, unstable mind, which, when combined together, create a disaster. Ever wondered why do people rape or murder someone? Or why teenagers are so much desperate to get into a sex relationship? The origin lies somewhere in your repression. Remember, sex is natural. Don't even try to find out a substitute for it. Substitutes don't help, they CANT help! Also, sex is mortal, Religion is doing what you have been told, no matter what is right. Mortality is doing right things, no matter what you have been told.

Be natural if you want to go beyond nature, be rooted in your body if you want to become a soul, be rooted in sex if you want to become a lover! Yes, the more energy is converted into love, less and less interested you will become in sex, but you will then not hate it.

Understand why the process was created in the first place. Understand why not to overdo it, understand the motive of sex being irresistible, understand why it is a divine feeling and where it can lead you to. Understand why our society is not willing to give up it's conventional thinking. Understand why religious people have poisoned the mentality of people about sex. Most importantly, understand that sex is not the problem, lust is. When you put all these pieces together, may be my pravachan will make sense to you!

P.S. So much from a guy who have not had sex yet ! :P :D

P.S.1 - Ahh..Could somebody please give me pointers to how to add "you may also like" links below the posts? I am too lazy to dig it out from blogger. Thanks in advance

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Pain-in-the-ass-habits !

Habits describe human nature. Don't they? But nowadays, mine are such a pain in the ass. I don't know what is wrong, but past two weeks, few things have turned into a weird routine. Mind you, what you are about to read are just two weeks older! But bitches are getting consistent each passing day.

1. It's getting colder here day after day. I usually take bath with cold water. Nowadays, after entering the bathroom, all I do is stare at that icy water, wondering what to do with it. How am I supposed to take bath with that icy bitch? So I just stare for 5 mins and all of a sudden I take that bucket full of water on my body. Sigh! No wonder I feel sick. 
P.S. I do have a geyser in my bathroom. Am I dumb?

2. Every night I swear to God that I will keep my door key in place. I never do. It specially irritates me to the core. Because I am obsessed with this organization thingy. In my room, you won't find a thing moved an inch away from its place. But when it comes to the door key, I get screwed. Now missing the office bus or running after it is a part of my life. I get up exactly half an hour before arrival of the bus and I spend at least 10 mins searching for this damn key ! I mean how hard is to get a key-chain or place the key on the table?

3. I spill milk almost everyday. To break this routine, I used to stand in front of gas like an idiot, hoping to cut off the ignition at the boiling point. 5-10 mins and nothing happens. Then I suddenly feel this urge to listen to music. So I go to bedroom, switch on my laptop and by the time I return, bang ! it's all gone. Bastard is playing with me huh?

4. I sleep chanting , "I am the master of my own bladder" The simple reason is, if I wake up to pee in the middle of night, I can't sleep afterwards. So I make sure that I drink plenty of water, pee and then sleep. And fuck! After few hours, I again wake up to pee! The more I try to not think about it, the more intense it becomes. Winter effects or bloody moody penis of mine?

5. I stare at people for no reason. Actually I have this tendency to stare at someone when I am lost in my thoughts. But nowadays, every-time I stare at someone, it happens to be a beautiful girl. No wonder I get "Mind-your-own-business-you-creep, never-saw-a-girl-before? You-horny-bastard" look. :(

6. I switch on alarm clock in my phone. I sleep for 15 mins and then convince myself that it's not on. Furious, I wake up again. Stare at it. See it is on. In frustration, turn it off and then on again. Then sleep. I still don't realize it's on for 7.30 PM and not AM. I have been doing this since 4 days now. Even apes are smarter than me !

Is the world really coming to end? Somebody save me :(

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Ugh. I don't want to get married !!

Today I was looking at my blog stats which are now constantly showing a remarkable improvement. I never really cared about people viewing/not viewing my posts because I write for myself, most of the times. But alas, this bloody human nature always seeks appreciation. Though it always makes me wonder why the number of people reading my blog is never proportional to those commenting or following. I mean guys, your one extra little step to comment/feedback/(or even insult, though less preferable) makes my day and helps me improve my writing. (Of course, If my articles make sense to you, which, I assure you will be a very rare case!)

Anyway, coming back to the post. My parents and I were having serious (of course, one sided) discussion about the marriage thing. I don't understand. My parents always think I am too childish and I always behave like a kid. On the other hand, how can the same people insist me to get married every now and then. The discussion went something like this

(Scenario - Phone on speaker mode. Big deal?  I will prefer running naked on the road than talking to both my mom and dad at the same time ! And I mean it. (provided I am allowed to cover the most important body part))

Mother - So? Have you thought about your marriage?
Me : (Damn Maa, why are you so straight forward? At least don't jump to the topic right away!) -Oh please. For God's sake, I am just 24.
(And the adviser enters!) Father : I was 21 when I got married. We still live a happy life. What is wrong about it?
Me : (Oh yeah. Just because you found your pretty lady so soon. I am not that lucky)  Things were different back then ! I need to get settled first. Financially.
Father: Yeah. Talk about financial stability. Your father has enough money to let you live life of a king size. Why don't you quit that bullshit job and join me? Even I pay my people more than what you get.
Me : (Right. Whatsoever happened to "I-Want-To-Establish-My-Own, Sucking-Poor-But-OWN-Identity" concept? )(Almost shouting) Look at the petrol prizes.
Father : (Surprised)- What the hell it has to do with you? You don't even own a bike/car. You said you don't need one as of now.
Me : (Feeling like a jack-ass now) - But girls prefer guys that have a stable future (And of course, much more. But I should only talk about the things that I am capable of)
Mother - Look, I have only one son. And I want to see him get married before I die.
Me : (Now, where the heck this came from? Emotional blackmailing..I so hate it !) -There is no guarantee of life.  Even I can die before you (After-all I am your son, So I also know a bit of "How-to-return-tortures" ;))
Father : Are you dating someone? You can tell us. At least we can then stop searching girls for you. We are getting a lot of proposals from our community.
Me : (Now this is the couple that had an ..may I quote it.."inter-caste" love marriage when there were so many restrictions in the society. Still he takes care to say, "from our community". Really?  What makes you think I will marry a girl of our caste only? I could have ended this topic by saying "yes" but again, that would have led to an infinite series of questions that they don't even care about in reality, such as, "Who is she?" , "How does she look?" " Is she of our caste?", etc., so decided otherwise.) - No. I am not dating anyone. But you can still stop searching for me.
Mother : You know about %$%^ right? He is having a fat paycheck but now he has crossed age 30. No one is willing to make an alliance with him. Just don't cry once your young age is passed.
Me : (Okay. Think of it logically. He is 7 years older to me..7 fucking years. And No one is willing to make an alliance with him  because %$%^ is not only ugly but also rude and arrogant and has tons of dirty habits. Din't anyone tell you that?) - Don't worry. I will manage.
Mother : Also, You are getting bald. Aren't you? Where is your hair? I din see it last time you came home.
Me : (:Bangs his head: )I am not getting bald. I cut my hair. There is a hell of difference between these two. You had problems when I grew it up to my shoulders. Now you have problems when I keep it short. And a Girl is not going to marry me because of my hair anyways. (Just an assumption ;))
Mother : Fine. So tell us how much time you need? It takes almost a year to search for the right girl, knowing her background and all preparation stuff. Would you be interested in looking at some of the photos?
Me : (Yeah, send all of them to me along with mobile numbers :P I will then decide what to do with them ;)) -
At least 3 more years. Period. 
(After a long long pause!) Mother: This guy is impossible. (To father) You tell him.
Father : Look beta.. (And the Gyan Begins!) $@##%$^%&*^*^*#$%...
Me : (Puts the phone aside, washes his face, combs his "bald" headed hair, eats an apple and comes back) - Yes paa. I get it. I will think over it. Happy? Now please, I have a call to attend.
Father : You always avoid the topic. Don't tell me you are not interested in girls. I get that a lot now-a-days. Big city culture. 
Me: (Dumbstruck! Thinking: There was a time when even uttering the word "sex" in front of your parents could cause them a heart attack. And now the same parents are raising concerns about their son getting into a homosexual relationship. Either Indian culture is getting out if it's traditional thinking or my father has lost it. Don't worry Paa, Law 377 has not provoked me . But let's see how you can take it!)
Me : Hmm.. Not sure :P
(I din imagine that little sentence of mine could cause disaster. Within 2 mins , my mother cursed every known guy friend of mine. If she had the authority, she might have even deported them to US, the country she believes that started this trend of homosexuality, thereby reducing human species, and in turn, the number of girls her son has a shot with! But who will dare to tell her that it all started decades ago and that too in her holy India)
Me : oh stop it ! I was just kidding. I swear on you. I am straight !
Father : (still suspicious) - So why don't you want to take this marriage thing seriously?
Me : (Bite me) - I said I will think about it.
Mother : (Not willing to give up this time) - WHEN?
Me : When I get my hair back :D (Hangs up abruptly, looking in mirror and silently praying his hair to grow as slowly as possible ;))

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Like many men my age, I am now 25 years old !

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the heck happened ! :D

Recap :
Before Birth :
Doctor : "We can save either mother or child ! ". But my mother was a strong woman. She fought like hell and finally gave birth to the dumbest creature on the earth ! "Welcome", I said to myself. Now, "what next?"

2.5 years Later :
Father : "Let's send him to a school'. He seems to have a quick learning ability. I think he will manage.
Mother : "No way, we will wait for 2 more years. It will become difficult for him to compete against other guys in future.
Father : "Okay. We send him now. If things get tougher for him, we will make him sit in the same class in senior kg."
For first 4 years, I topped the school so finally my headmaster told my parents that no gap is needed. Damn ! And there was a small boy, sitting in a class of people that were at least 1.5 years elder to him. :(. Mercy God, mercy!

Early Childhood :
A pampered child. Good at studies. Sucked in social protocols. An Introvert. In simple words, sucked in almost everything that is defined by attitude-confidence-passion trilogy.

Late Childhood :
A torturous, struggling period. Life fucked hard and that too every single day. Those 3 years were a nightmare, but that period brought out a "new" me ! Everything changed, right from my height to my personality, I achieved whatever I wanted. Looking back, those were the most dreadful days I have ever had. But no complains.  Memories of them now make me smile. This period taught me that the concept of luck and destiny is futile. Life certainly can be the way you want. You make choices and you don't look back !

After 20 :
A hopeless romantic turned into a damn good flirt. An introvert turned into a chatter box, an ever smiling guy. A sentimental fool turned into a reason for people to smile, laugh. The guy who once struggled for one single friend now have at least dozens of people loving and caring for him. Most importantly, Manoj turned into Mani. What's the difference? I cant even pen it down!

At the age 25 :
I am still not clear about what I want in life. But I definitely have targets. I am achieving them one after another, though slowly, but consistently. In short terms, I know where I want to be. In long terms, who cares? Life is an unpredictable bitch! So I want to enjoy this moment. After its share of bitterness, life has now blessed me with awesome friends, achievements, secure future and stability. I am simply at peace. Hope this will continue :)

A promise to self ! 

1. Now is the time to fall in love! Three more years from now I will be with my better half ! (Considering my parents' pressure ). I hope she is somewhere (hopefully on the Earth !)out there reading this ;) Anyone interested? :P

2. Change the way I look ! This thing has been pending for quite a long time now and I want to get it done ! I am satisfied with the way I look,  but I want to be a bit better.. Anyway, I am not talking about my face. But certainly many things related to my personality and appearance can be changed. Let's see how it goes.

3. Gift something expensive to my parents within next one year. It can be anything. It's not just about money but I want to show my gratitude for the people who sacrificed everything just to see me happy, who never let things affect me when they, my parents, were financially down, who were with me through thick and thin. Now that your stupid boy is able to stand on his legs, you will always be the first priority for me. Though things you did for me cannot be expressed with just a "thank you" or return favor, this is least I can do to start off. :)

4. I never hurt anyone, even my enemies in past one decade. It gives me an ineffable feeling to see/make people happy. So, even if I hurt someone unknowingly, it is never what I wanted. I will try to improve. Words make a dangerous weapon so I should better be careful before using them.

Well, as of now, this is it ! 

P.S. Oh yes, I never knew so many people will actually remember my b'day. But they did. After certain point, I had to stop counting number of people wishing me. You guys made me feel special ! Thanks a ton. This thing will be long remembered. 

Sunday, October 2, 2011

A Dreadful Dream :(

The house was certainly haunted. Or may be I was. In the sheer darkness, that image still looked pretty clear to me. It was none other than my reflection in the mirror. But it was not me. It didn't make sense. The ugly, half-burned face in mirror was asking me to join him. There was a strange attraction I felt towards him. The force was too strong to resist and I was getting pulled over by his side, wanting to be a part of his pain. But then, it was him who was screaming. Not me. I was not scared. I was just calm, waiting to accept whatever happens. Was I being hypnotized?

All of a sudden, the mirror broke into pieces, half of them piercing through my body. Within a minute, every part of me was drenched in blood. But I was still smiling. There was no sign of pain. Whenever I looked into the broken pieces of mirror, each one showed me a different face. But none of them were me. Was I dreaming? "Who are you?" I asked in a low voice. The faces in the broken mirror were getting uglier each passing moment. Among them, he was a devil. His one red eye and half burned face showed no traces of mercy. Why was I not scared of him? "You are not scared because I am your reflection." , the hideous voice whispered into my ears. How could he know what is going on my mind? Something was terribly wrong. unusual. He was so far yet so near to me. I could not even discern moon ,stars or colors of any kind. All was grey, impenetrable and dead dim. 

What place this was? Nowhere was the least sign of life. The house was utterly deserted. What was I doing there in the midst of profound silence and desolation? Silence? No! As I listened, there came to my ears from all sides, dully at first and almost imperceptibly, a low creeping sound like subdued moaning; a sound that never ceased, and that was so native to the place, I had at first been unaware of it. But now I clearly gathered in the sound and recognized it as expressive of the intensest physical suffering. To my astonishment , this time It was my voice ! But I was calm.. Then who was screaming? "Someone murdered me here! the voice screamed". Who murdered whom? I was still there, alive ! I slapped myself hard, hoping this all to be a part of my dream. But all in vain. Voice kept screaming, asking me to find him. But I was too confused. If it were my reflection, why dint it say, "Someone murdered "YOU" here." why did it say "ME?". 

"There is no time!, you need to free my spirit." And suddenly he started laughing. That was a cruel laugh. How was I able to see him when I don't know where he was? The red teeth clearly indicated they tasted blood before a while" Was he trapping me? Despite all the negative clues, why was I so sure that he was me? It was a strange immeasurable sympathy I felt towards him. He was asking me to open a door. As I approached it, the wailing sound redoubled in intensity, and a noise as of struggling made itself audible within. When I reached the door, the sounds around me grew and gathered volume, formulating themselves into distinct cries and bursts of frenzied sobbing. "Why Am I not scared?" I cried. There was no answer. The door was impassable. It had neither lock nor handle from outside. The idea of interference was futile. It could be opened only from within. I beat madly against the door with my hand and shrieked for help; but nothing moved. 

Strangely, voices suddenly stopped screaming . And the door slowly opened itself with a deadly noise. My beast appeared in front of me. Desperate to make me a part of his world. And before I could recognize what happened next, with the swiftness and shock of a fall, I opened my eyes.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

A committed loser :@

 "What do you know about girls dude, you are still single". A "committed" friend of mine was having heated argument with me about the most complicated creatures on the earth.  Those harsh words pierced through my feelings. It was I who helped him to fall in love. It was I who made it possible for them to be in love. And now the same guy was insulting and abusing me for not knowing anything about relationship.

Yes. I am single. But I understand the delicate heart of a girl way more than you losers who treat them as an object. To be single is my own choice. And for your information, I do not have bank-balance neither do I have stunning looks or any special talent. But girls still feel comfortable with me. Ever wondered why is that most beautiful and talented girls are ready to commit to a dumb like me? It's simple. They need someone who understands, supports and love them the way they are. Not male chauvinist pigs like you who proudly want to show the world that they have a girlfriend and who do not think anything other than sleeping with them. I am still single because I feel I should be in love only when I have the potential to keep my girl happy, to take care of that precious gem, be it in any sense. I don't give a damn about what world or suckers like you think of me. What do you feel so proud about? When your girlfriend expresses her concerns with me despite you being her lover, what have you earned in a relationship? You feel inferior to her because she is more talented, beautiful and earns more than you. So you ask her to quit her job. Is that all you have got, you asshole? Ever considered raising your standards instead of not torturing her on a daily basis? And you still have guts to provoke me ! You call me flirty. Yes I am ! But I never hurt a girl's feelings . I respect them the way I respect my mother. They too have a heart. In fact much more sensitive and caring than you guys. And not everyone is a bitch. Even a bitch has a heart that seeks respect. You taunt me for being virgin? I have had chances to sleep with them when you din even know how to talk to a girl. But I don't need labels just to prove you suckers that I can do it. And I am NOT afraid of commitment. I am just waiting for a proper time and a perfect person. How is that your business anyway? People like you are responsible for girls losing their faith in boys. If being in love means stalking your girlfriend, calling her at midnight just to check whether she is on call with someone else, being jealous when she talks to some other guy, asking her to stop to meet her guy friends, calling her in front of a bunch of people and asking her to say "I love you" so that you can boast about it, not allowing her to wear short clothes just because she looks adorable and someone else might hit on her, and asking her to sacrifice her job because she earns more than you, then I am proud that I am not a committed loser !

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Versatile Blogger Award !

This post has been pending for long, not because I din't want to write, but because I was not sure what to write. When I started this blog, I was not even 1% sure that somebody will actually read it ! Now,after 2 and half years, I feel overwhelmed by the fact that people around the globe and all my friends take out time to read my stupidity. I still remember, I was so naive in expressing my feelings in English. My grammar and vocab sucked. I maintained a personal diary since the age of 14, so I knew I am somewhat good at expressing my feelings. But being a Marathi/Hindi medium student,and with no proper background/environment in school/collage, English always scared me. This blog and MBA preparation were the reasons I spent endless nights in learning the language.

@Soumya - You were the reason I started this blog. (Remember  Stalker Scare?:P). You were (and still are) the one whose constant feedback (and of course, taunts :( )  make me improve my writing each passing day. This blog is the reason we turned from strangers to enemies, then friends and then best friends ( at least I feel so :P). Thanks for everything my Lioness . And thanks for the award as well. It means a lot, specially coming from a diversified writer like you !

Hmm..What next? 

7 Random things about me - Well, I knew this would be coming one fine day ;) So I already have a post for this. In fact, I have 20 such things which make a stupid-unique "ME". Check out ... 20 facts about me

My favorite song - Summer of 69- Bran Adams :D

My favorite Dessert - Hmm.. Let's skip this part ;) 

What pisses me of - Dirty/messy rooms, flamboyant/unhygienic  people,  girls with poor dressing sense, poor English grammar ( Can you believe that?:P)

Best feature(s) - Damn ! I wish I had at least one :(

Everyday attitude - Make someone smile :)

What is perfection - Hmm..There is no such thing as "perfection".. 

Guilty Pleasure - Prefer not to reveal it ;)

People I will pass this award to -

This is the toughest part. Well, to be honest, I sincerely feel I am not worthy enough to judge someone's writing. So be it. Who cares about my opinion anyway when there are masters out there on this site :)

Cheers ! :D

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Wrong Number and an Affair ! :D

On weekends, I don't usually wake up before afternoon. This applies even when somebody around me is dying (not literally, but still :D). I don't really need any entertainment or "counting-sheep" thing before sleeping. I just close my eyes and bang ! I am dead at least for next 8 hours. Today, that bastard suddenly started ringing at the ungodly hour. I just cut the call even without bothering to look at the screen. 5 mins of silence and it started ringing again ! "What the fuck ! go to hell you jackass !", I shouted and threw it away, hoping it to be broken. But it being Nokia's cheapest model, refused to give up. 10 more minutes and it started ringing again. Trust me, I was in a mood to kill whoever it was across the line. Fumbling, I somehow answered it. 

"You screwed my wife's life, you bastard. Now tell me everything that happened between you two !" a voice at the other end shouted, desperate to kill me. "damn !?" Within a moment, my brain searched for every possible "lady" in my friend list, but none came across as a "screwed-by-me" one. Keeping my voice level to minimum, I asked  "May I know whom do you want to talk to?". "Playing  smart huh? I know you are the one, Vivek!".
I heaved a sign of relief. "I am sorry sir, but you have dialed a wrong number". That gentleman was in no mood to listen. "Tell me your address and I will settle everything once and for all, you coward. You think you can tell my wife about my extramarital affair and sleep with her?". Now this was the limit!. I still tried to keep it cool. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about sir. My name is Manoj and I don't know your wife. You have dialed a wrong number". "Oh yeah, how would your mother feel if she finds out that your father is having extramarital affair?". Now though this was for that so called "Vivek",the effect of last night's drink and disturbed sleep started taking out the "real me". And I am a harmless creature only until my senses are in control. Once I lose the grip, there is no looking back. So I decided to jump in, for Vivek's and his married lover's sake !  

"Listen you jackass, my father is not like you. And when you can sleep with other woman, what is wrong with your wife sleeping with me? Now I am even going to tell this to all your family members. Do what you want to do !" (Sorry Vivek, I am putting you at stake!;)).

I could feel the anger reaching to its extreme levels at the other end. "You know who I am, boy? Once I find out your address, I assure you, you are dead. I know you are from Kolkata".. (My smart mind started doing quick calculations before going further. Now considering this number was a land-line one with code 020 (Pune), and Kolkata being a huge city and that too at the other side of the country , I knew this dumb is never gonna figure out Vivek's address ! ) So I went ahead. " hmm..I get that a lot, just go and sleep with your bitch you loser. And what I do with your wife is none of your business ! (Bingo ! I should get an award for that lame line :D)". 

Now that man started abusing me in local language. I was tempted to do the same, but stopped. (who cares? Vivek, being from Kolkata, must not know Marathi. Though it was still a mystery for me  how he came so long to meet this  gentleman's wife). "I swear to god, I will find you $@%$#%%$#%" .." the man had lost all his control. It was fun and I couldn't stop laughing. That made it even worse.

 "Tell me what do you want to get out of my wife's life?" he demanded after 10 mins of "fun-abuse-cry-torture" drama. Now you are talking buddy ! And after all the boasting he had done about himself, a thought of asking him a million rupees crossed  my mind. I knew he would happily give them away. (What ? Don't give me that look :P. I did not start it and opportunity knocks only once ! And besides, I am under heavy debt !) But alas, this bloody conscience and principles of mine always ruin my life. So all I asked him was "Okay. You immediately quit from your extramarital affair and I won't ever see your wife again!" ( Now this logic was more dependent on his wife, assuming if her husband comes back to her, she will put an end  to her relation with Vivek. Only Vivek will be on the losing side. But what the heck. If he can make a married woman fall in love, he will definately make it with someone of his age ;) Sorry Buddy :P ).

Two minutes of Silence and the man spoke.. " If I keep my word, will you keep your side? I was mislead. I promise never to hurt my wife again". Now it was necessary to pull his wife in so I added , "confess everything in front of your wife and tell her you are not gonna see that other girl again. It's a deal !" (Assuming she won't ditch him for Vivek or else this dumb-ass will again revert back to me :S) "Fine" the man said and simply hung up the phone.

 "Heck, forget about money, I din even get a "thank you" for reunioning two lives :(

Sunday, September 11, 2011

When Alcohol Speaks ;)

1. Just 3 pegs down dude, I am not drunk !

2. I will drive, you just shut up and take the "driver's seat" :P

3. Today I will tell her that I love her. (But I will call from your cell, not because I am running out of balance, but because I want to call her from an unknown number)

4. I can die for you my buddy

5. Don't you think we will need more? I still feel absolutely normal.

6. I am paying the bill. Money is not important, you are. (After looking at the bill) - Only because you are insisting, but next time, it's my turn !

7. I never get high, you wanna bet?

8. This is my last peg . I will quit from tomorrow. I swear.

9. Do you think she loves me?

10. When I drink, I love everybody. :D

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Top 10 Funny/Irritating Facebook status !

1. I am going Home - Seriously? And you really think people care?

2. Just took a shower - Dude, are you freaking kidding me? I hope you at least put on the clothes or did you directly come in front of your laptop to update status?

3. Feeling Hungry - Then go and eat, you dumb-ass. How hard is that? and why the heck the world needs to know about it anyway?

4. She broke my heart ,she is a bitch - I am glad she did. People like you who don't understand the word "privacy"  deserve to be kicked. And even if she had feelings for you, now after reading your status, rest assured, she is never gonna come back !

5. Reached Karnataka border, 120 km away from home- Well.. No comments !

6. Watching XYZ movie with my GF , it's awesome - How on the earth your GF din mind to come with an attention seeker like you? You idiot, if you keep us updating like this(not that we care!), probably this is the last movie you will ever watch with your GF.

7. I am in a sad mood - Tell me, what do you expect from us? Dance for you? 

8. Yippe, got a new laptop/mobile/bike - Buy one for us as well and we will think about liking your status or commenting on it :P

9. Feeling sleepy - Asshole and you still have time to update people about it. Just go and sleep. We don't care whether you are feeling sleepy or dead !

10. I will now have breakfast at 8 - For this one, I was literally banging my head against the wall for 10 mins. I mean come on ! Thank god you din feel it worthy to share your bowel movements !

Monday, August 22, 2011


He sat there alone, in the corner of a dark room. The weather outside with dark night and heavy rain created a perfect milieu. “Do I have any reason to live without her?” He asked. But the mind refused to give the answer, knowing the rhetorical question. He was a strong person having ability to overcome the emotions. But again, he WAS. Today was different. His heart wanted to scream and this time he allowed the tears to flow. He remembered his old days. He was a man of honor and principles. There were no addictions, love life, whatsoever.  Over the years, things changed. And before he could recognize what is going wrong, he found himself trapped in the cruel hands of Love and now, suddenly released.

How can she do this to me? How can she end 4 years of a relationship within a minute? There were no answers. Just the questions. He was crying like a kid who might have lost its loveliest thing. Giving it a thought for few more minutes, he finally picked up a knife from the kitchen. The tool looked dangerous in his hand. He stared at it for a long time. Then slowly, he started cutting his vein. He felt no pain. At least not physically.  The darkness in the room overshadowed the red colored liquid oozing from his hand. Knowing that there is no pain, he stabbed the knife deep in his another hand and then in stomach. Memories from the childhood flashed in front of him. Loving parents, his achievements, the days when he was single and happy.  For a second, he decided not to die. “But it is too late now”, he whispered, feeling the weakness.

She was not sure how it would affect him. She din even have an idea that the funny plan of trapping someone on an April fool’s day could lead to his death. She gave no explanations,  just said “I don’t want to meet you ever, we are breaking up. It’s over”  and left. She was desperately waiting for 12 O’clock, to reveal the truth, not knowing that it will never be revealed.

“Should I call him? He is too sensitive and might take all this fun thing in a wrong way”, she thought.
“Oh come on, let us see his face when you tell him that you made him a fool, just wait for another half an hour”, one of the friends gave a “valuable” suggestion.
She hesitated. She had kept her phone off since morning to make him think that she is serious about what she had said. “What harm can half an hour do?” she said, oblivious that the harm is already done.

He could feel the drop of pulse rates. He was not sure how much time had passed . Drenched in the blood, he was now certain about his death. It was just a matter of time. “May be 5-10 minutes more”, he thought. He was worried about his parents. 

“How would they react after knowing their only son died?”. “Who would take care of them?”  “Is she of more importance to me then my parents?” . “Do I deserve to die for others harsh decisions?” A number of thoughts flooded his mind. But he was too weak even to respond to the thoughts. The phone on the table started ringing. He just smiled. “No calls on this number from tomorrow”, he said, slowly closing the eyes.

The unread message said, “ Hey, I am so sorry. We had a bet to trap you on April fool’s day. How can I ever leave you alone? The day you die, I will die honey. Please pick up the call, I love you.”

Monday, August 8, 2011

Awesome One Liners !

Well, these one liners always make me laugh, no matter fucked up my life is.
The most effective ones include

1. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

2. Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are. ;)

3. If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"

4. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth !

5. Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

9. If you ever want to see a man cry..Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other..And..MAKE HIM CHOOSE!

10. I used to think the brain was the most important organ in the body, then I realized --- look what's telling me that.

11. I dont make mistakes, I date them.

12. Do you belive in love at first site, or shall I walk past again?

13. I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on EBAY

14. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

15. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich

16. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time

17. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing .

18. If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now :P

19. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem !

20. Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys. ;)

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A Thought

"Despite having so many friends, why do you sit alone at home like an idiot? Go out Mani, enjoy the life!". I just smiled. Someone who doesn't even know about me was showing me the path to happiness. Though I am a party animal who is always ready for hangouts and mixing with everyone around, now-a-days I enjoy spending time with myself. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you are sad. In fact when I am very happy about something, I just like to be with myself. Because this part of me is eternal. The only person who is not bound to materialistic things, when it comes to being there for me. Over the years I have seen friends and priorities changing. Nothing lasts the way you want. I mean think about it. How many of your old school/collage friends are still there with you? Even if they are, what is the frequency of calling them or when was the last time you met them? Dint they make promises to you once about not ever letting you go out of there lives? That they cant live without you or vice-versa? Nobody noticed but gradually the number of calls reduced from 5 times in a day to once in five days, then once in a week, then once in a month and now somebody just calls me on my b'day and then we don't speak until the next b'day. On social sites, they are just a part of  big crowd saying "Hi" or pressing "like" button. Everybody has excuses, "I don't get enough time" is one of them. How can you not have time for the people you care? And anyway, how much time does it take just  to say, "I am missing you and our old days?" You very well know that 10 mins of yours can add to someone's everlasting memories. What stops you then? It is really the time constraints or is it something else? Why is that the sharing 1 beer among 4 friends used to make you happy despite you now being able to afford a whole can for yourself? Why is that rides by filling 30 Rs. petrol in a friend's bike used be the best rides of your life but now a ride in your own car seems not so worthy? Why is that the pleasure of having 6 roommates in 1 BHK was more than you owning a 2 BHK for yourself? Why is that you still remember begging someone asking for his mobile just because you ran out of balance in the middle of the conversation with your best buddies but now when you have all the balance you need , you don't have someone to talk to for hours? The more I think about it, the more I feel that this so beloved Money has ruined everyone's life. I have started hating the words such as dreams, aspirations, career ,future growth. Why do you need all these things in the first place? Simple. To be happy. Isn't it ironic that we had literally screwed our one part of happiness in order to gain another? Why do you wonder where you will be in a year or two when you don't even know where you are now? Except your office colleagues, how many numbers are there in your cell? People whom you have not called in ages? I am sure you will come up with more than a dozen numbers. Weren't they an integral part of your life once? Now what happened? We always have the lame excuse of "Life needs to move on" . No, it doesn't. We force it to move on. Going back in times, I realize that the friends I have lost touch with are the most important ones and the friends I think I am so close to aren't exactly the greatest people I have ever met. So when you know that the people you gonna be friends with wont last for a lifetime, Isn't spending the time with yourself a better choice?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dare to pick up the phone, I am an Insurance Agent !!

"Hello Mr. Manoj, If you remember I have had calling  you since one month for taking  LIC and you tell me to call in July asking about it". A voice over the phone with superior(?) English accent and who just "murdered" grammar with a mere sentence, literally made me jump of out the bed. "Heck , Not this jerk again !", were the only expressions I could afford . "So you are free to talk , right?" , the tone of his voice was rather commanding, than inquiring. Knowing that I have nothing else to do , I decided to pull him a bit and so started the conversation

Manoj - I can talk. Tell me what is it?
Agent : (For the reader's sake, I will translate his speech in what I think is "English !" ) Sir, are you interested in an LIC policy now? If yes, I can go ahead and provide you plans that suit to your requirement.
Manoj - (Haha, even I cant provide myself worthy enough to fulfill my own requirements,but anyway) I am , now. What kinda plans do you have to offer?
Agent : There are a number of schemes available. May I ask you how much do you earn per month?
Manoj : (Wow, thanks for suggesting me the easiest way to get rid of you !) 5000 pm. A flat reply .
Agent : ( Probably after a 30 second pause !) - Okay (This time he omitted "Sir" ;) ), and how much can you invest in a plan?
Manoj : ( Fuck ! This guy is a real optimist, try one more time Mani ) - Hmm..Dunno, around 500 rs? :P
Agent : Sir, as you very young, I would suggest you should go for at least 2k per month's plan.
Manoj : (Fine, it's now on Bitch. I am tough when it comes to give up , son!) I am sorry, but not possible, I just got married and have a wife to take  care of. Max I can invest is 1 grand.
Agent : That will do , sir. But I were told that you work with an IT company past three years. Your salary is a bit low as compared to your experience.
Manoj : (What the heck ! Who on the earth provides information to these people?) Well, the company fired me one month before.
Agent : Oh , I am sorry. But I do have plans for 1 grand. You can take that one as of now and later upgrade it or take a new plan in parallel.
Manoj - (Okay, I give up, you win .Happy?) Hmm.. seems good . So tell me about it. (Now considering the fact that I already knew what he is going to say because I already have a policy, I switched my cell to speaker mode , kept it aside, washed my face, changed cloths and returned.)
Agent : (Still talking ! It surprised me because he was "he" and not "she" ) x%$$^^%^&*.. You there ,sir?
Manoj : I am listening.
Agent : So as I was saying, maturity period can be 20-30 years, depending on your choice and you can get a fair amount which summons up to approximately 6 lacs. 
Manoj : (I get that amount in less than one year you jackass. But anyway, who cares?) It's not very much.
Agent : But sir, you are investing ONLY 1k per month. 
Manoj : (This time laughing on the insult ) . Right. But I met another agent who says I can get up to 15 lacs on the same investment. 
Agent : (Not quite sure about his own expertise in the field) I din come across such policy which gives so much return value. Can you tell me which company he represents?
Manoj : (only if I knew !)He has asked not to reveal the name. Sorry.
Agent : (Still not willing to give up)- As you can see sir, this policy does not involve risk factor. So you will not have to be worried about your money. And there are many additional benefits.
Manoj : ( Why the heck will I be worried about 1k per month anyway? And dude, can't you get it? I am not interested. Why did I start the conversation in the first place?) I don't want additional benefits.
(Do something you idiot..)
Agent : But sir, once you listen to me, I am sure you will be interested.
Manoj : ( It's high time for me to hang up ! So the drama begins!) - Hello..hello.. I can't hear you.
Agent : But I am getting your voice very clearly, as I was saying..
Manoj : Hello..Hello..I think some problem in the network . Please do call me after some time.
Finally ! Damn it, exhausted after this half an hour "Even-if-you-are-a-beggar, please-take-my-LIC-policy" conversation, I quickly added that number to my black list and heaved a sigh of relief. 
Insurance Agents ! They Bite :(

Sunday, June 19, 2011

When life doesn't move on

A lot of things are going on these days. When I try to contemplate the situation two years back to the current one, I realize that nothing much has changed in life. Time is running faster than I anticipated. The concept of enjoying life as a youth is lost somewhere among career growth , Struggle, financial stability, family issues, load of loans, and other worries. After few months, I will turn 24 and damn it, living this way makes no sense to me. Being a happy-go-lucky animal, my nature does not permit me to regret over the mistakes I did. I think, I think a lot. I do realize the fact that it's not too late and there are some major things I can still start over or change. But I lack the power to implement them. The feeling of loneliness is the toughest to get rid of. Despite having blessed with so many best friends, at the end of the day, I literally need to convince myself that I am not alone ! Office work has no connection whatsoever with what I thought I would be doing at this stage. I always dreamed big, but my aspirations have buried somewhere in the corner of my heart after successive futile attempts to make them a reality. What I do today is just to pay my bills and loans. Financial security always overcomes my willingness to take a risk and in turn, my self-confidence. With my comedy nature, boyish charm and mature thoughts, I have always been centre of attraction for people. But these things are no longer helping me to stop ever growing inferiority complex. There is not one aspect of my life in which I am good at. Work wise, forever fluctuating between whether to continue with technical field or to get an MBA. Financially, despite earning a decent salary, overburdened with loan EMIs. Love life wise, still a single despite having opportunities to get along with caring, beautiful friends. Family wise, despite being the only son, the inability to call parents to stay with me due to other worries. An Introvert who once did everything that it takes to be an extrovert is eventually turning into an introvert again. I feel I have isolated myself from the world. Now, most of the times I sit idle at home thinking for hours and trying to put some sense in my life, but nothing much comes out. It hurts and feels helpless to see myself turning from once an advice consultant to an advice seeker. Heck ! Life sucks. It does. I need to figure out how to deal with these things otherwise soon I will be a body living with no respect, self-confidence and in turn, no soul.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

The "Real" Son of a Bitch !

       Glad that for the first time, I am using this phrase at the right place ! (Most of the times, I end up offering it to the creatures called "friends" ). Few days before, I went to the other part of city to attend my cousin's wedding. Well, I am not much into attending marriages but then one day my mother scared hell out of me saying, "Mani, If you don't attend family weddings, no one will bother to come to yours". From that day, I made it compulsory to show my stupid face and bless(?) bride and groom. After the ceremony was over, I was on my way back home and saw this cutest puppy. He was walking amid the traffic street, not caring that this is not a property of his forefathers. He had no sense or fear, whatsoever. As I am born with a nature that cannot see people/animal helpless (Slight exaggeration, but will do for this point!), I decided to adopt him. By looking at his face, no one can say he is a street dog. On the other hand, every time I go to a standard place, I need to convince people that I am a "professional" earning nice paychecks. Anyway, carrying  him home was another big problem as PMT buses here don't allow to carry "Low profile animals" (pets) along with "high profile animals" like me. My attempts to bribe conductor failed despite me offering him 50rs for a 7rs ticket. So Finally I had to spare around 350 bucks to hire an auto and take him home. As soon as he entered home, he gave me a clear warning of not to confuse his cute face by what he actually is by turning my white tiles into a dirty green-yellowish color . I never thought God will be so kind that I will actually have to clean someone's shit one day. I named him Patchy after a brown patch on his whitish body. So as I thought, Doctor declared him a "dalmatian" cross breed . He must have left home and unknowingly ended up on the streets. Knowing his breed, I spent around solid 5 grands purchasing his stuff. Hell, taking care of a dog is much more costly than taking care of a human being. I mean 900 bucks for a small injection? 1000 for pedigree? 850 for a bed? You must be kidding me. Soon every single thing that once belonged to me was his property. He is like a flatmate offering poo and pee instead of rent ! He eats more than a weight lifter following hefty diet and poops more than a disturbed-stomach person . I was patient, believing that one day he will be trained and make it a habit to do his dirty stuff outside. But he is not ready to change. On the other hand, now I got a habit to clean his stuff before going to and after coming from office. My once neatly cleaned and organized room , hygienic nature are no longer a part of my life. Anyway, he is too young to understand it all. Patience is the key. He is very clever by the way. For example, He never cries or barks at night which helps me to get up on time for the office. And God, you cannot break his defense mechanism . He is adept in hiding himself from danger and if you try to dominate him, he goes very aggressive biting you at the "right" positions that will force you to give up. He is a highly active creature and requires a lot of attention so I have decided to send him home. It is not possible to take care of him throughout day due to office timings and I don't want his active nature to go waste. My parents are very much excited. The proud words from my mother were, "Don't worry, we will take very good care of him. Anyway, we feel lonely after one dog left the home ( Why do I feel it was for me? well, it was !) so another one will make home alive again" . He is such a sweetheart. I can literally spend hours just by having him on my laps. His innocent eyes talk to me. He shows his affection towards me by licking my face all the time. (Okay, that once was the most unhygienic thing for me, but now, it isn't !). I do give him a lot of time but I feel he needs more. Apart from his fecal matters, he doesn't trouble me much . Sending him away is rather a situational demand than my will. Anyway, I can go home every weekend and meet him so this is not a big deal. This is least I can do for him, after all, he is one of the best things ever happened to me !