Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Lost Mind

It has been more than 4 nights, I am wide awake. Eccentric changes in heinous relationships and the fact that life cannot be predicted, have changed something in me. I no longer feel a part of this world, where there is no value for honesty, trust, caring nature or relations. The only person you can rely on for solving brutal problems of life is "you". Attachment, wanting someone's shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to or dependency on anyone is nothing but your weaknesses. Only haplessly incompetent people need these things. Within 3 weeks, I have buried that ever smiling, cracking-stupid-joke-on-every-single-sentence, caring and helping Mani somewhere deep in my heart. He is no longer a part of me. I no longer feel attached to anyone. I don't know what happened. Many things happened to me all of a sudden and the effect was catastrophic. It destroyed the very existence of me. I don't know how much time will it take me to recover from this impasse.

All I want to do now is to be focused on my future. My desire to be perfect in my dreamed aspects has grown more stronger. Ever since I was born, life has never been fair to me. I struggled almost in every phase. Very few people know the struggle I did for my entire goddamn identity. But I never complained. I smashed the fate every-time it tried to let me down. But there has to be limit. I mean why me? This fact turned me into an agnostic 5 years before. I never believe in God. Because if he were there, he would have done something about me. But he never helps. May be God only helps the stronger. So damn it, one day, I will be. No matter how many times you let me down, I will come back. So dear god and all those "inspirational" people, WATCH ME !

Sunday, July 18, 2010

GMAT : The End?..A New Beginning..

Many things have changed in last week. For some personal reasons, my family is going through a very flinty situation and I have decided to postpone the exam by 5 months. To be honest, this is not what I wanted. I was in extreme positive mood about taking the exam and resigning my job. But sometimes things change with a blink of an eye and you are forced to take some tough decisions. I am not demotivated. I just need to devote some time to my family. And considering some other situations, I have planned to take the exam in January. But this decision did not sway my attitude towards the exam neither I will stop studying. In fact, this dilemma has enlivened my desire to get an mba, at any cost.And I have got enough patience to wait for the right time. It's okay to lose a couple of battles, keep your eyes focused on the war! But one thing for sure,  you will never know how bad life can get. Even perfectly planned things descend into an anarchy. All you can do is to have faith in your abilities.I need to be focused for next 5 months. I know it's tough. But I am left with the only option. After all, this is not the end. It's just a new beginning.